Nostalgia is denial... denial of the painful present. The name for this denial is golden age thinking, the erroneous notion that a different time period is better than the one one's living in. It's a flaw in the romantic imagination of those people who find it difficult to cope.
Immediately, it felt like it was written for me. Inisip ko pa nga kung original ba ang statements na 'yun made by the poser. But it wasn't. It was a quote from a Woody Allen film called Midnight in Paris which I haven't seen (and will soon see).
I've told Gino, a friend, about it. Aware of my latest heart disaster, he suggested that I may have wanted to back to my last semester's experience. But I don't. In fact, my last semester experience is one of the reasons that had prompted me to go into this nostalgia trip that kept me away from the present time/reality.
Gino adds another quote from Mad Men which sums up what nostalgia is about:
Teddy told me that in Greek, "nostalgia" literally means "the pain from an old wound." It's a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone. This device isn't a spaceship, it's a time machine. It goes backwards, and forwards... it takes us to a place where we ache to go again. It's not called the wheel, it's called the carousel. It let us travel the way a child travels - around and around, and back home again, to a place where we know are loved.
What makes nostalgia more powerful than memory is its emotive affinity.
Gino further says, "Tagos sa 'yo 'yan, Jek. Iyong-iyo talaga. Tinaub ka ng quote."
Tarantado 'tong si Gino, ah! Ang sarap kurutin sa bayag!
Once, during k'wentuhan mode with MA classmates, nasabi ko na "regressing" towards the past gives us security. Most often than not, ang natatandaan natin sa nakaraan ay 'yung mga masasayang alaala. Once healed, we tend to forget the hardships that we went through. Besides, even with such hardships, we knew that we had surpassed them so we still feel safe with them. With bruises and all, we survived it!
When I get confronted with things I couldn't handle immediately, I tend to cave in to a safer world. I'd sleep for days until I get the answer I needed or occupy my mind with activities unrelated to the situation I am facing--movies, music, blogging, etc.
Recently, my nostalgia trip brought me back to the music of my youth where the songs were diverse and rich. May kanta para sa hilig ng bawa't isa--ballad, dance, rap, banda, novelty--at hindi lahat ng singers ay iisa ang timbre ang boses. It was a time when an acoustic song was just an alternate version of a fully orchestrated song. The lyrics were poetic at malaman ang sinasabi.I developed a compulsion to buy original OPM CDs from the '80s and ripped them to 320 kbps. When I was done with it, I downloaded '80s music ripped to 320 kbps. Hindi lang 'yun. I had to put the exact album (or single) covers where the songs came from or else, I wouldn't be happy with it or be satisfied. It kept me busy for a while and away from the stressful situation. But I knew that once I get tired of it, I will eventually go back home--to the future. One can't keep living in the past if he wants to see the future.
Dahil pa rin kay Gino at sa tanong niya kung ano ang theme song ng Top Gun, I watched the film again. I saw it in 1986, and it made a big impression on me. It and Dead Poets Society were two films that made me appreciate Hollywood movies. Masang-masa kasi ang panlasa ko noon.
I didn't care about the action of the film. I was into the romance and the drama of it and TOM CRUISE! Nainlab ako sa mokong! Ang cute-cute naman kasi! Tapos ilalabas pa ang kanyang boy-next-door smile! Sino ba naman ang di mahuhulog sa kanya? He was my man until he went cuckoo with Katie. Bye-bye, Tom, na ang drama!
Top Gun then made an impact on me, the same way it did this 2011.
Tom's character, Maverick, seems to be arrogant and so full of himself. But it is only on the surface. Deep inside, he wants to prove himself to the world that he is better than his father. He puts on a tough facade to hide what he truly feels inside. However, his commander is on to him. He says, "You have a confidence problem, Maverick." It is at the time when his best friend died, and he decides to quit the force because he couldn't deal with it.I am Maverick.
I receive a somewhat good news about my Sharon Cuneta paper. It is eligible to be published in Plaridel, a UP mass communication magazine, so long that it passes the requirements after revisions have been made. The comments given are of extreme quality. May sobrang nakakagaan sa pakiramdam at may sobrang nakapanglulumo talaga.
A friend tells me to be happy more than feel bad about it. "'Wag ka ngang masukista," he says.
I agree with him. Still, I couldn't help asking myself kung bobo ba ko para di malaman ang ibang mga naging simpleng comment ng reviewer ba minsan ay spelling problem lang o pagbabaybay? (The paper is written in Filipino na akala ko ay bihasa na ko. Hindi rin pala.) Deserving nga ba talaga ang naisulat ko for publication or pangpalubag-loob lang since may potential naman daw? Alam ko namang hindi ko alam ang lahat at para rin sa ikabubuti ng research ko ang mga nasabi nila. Pero hindi ko pa rin maaalis sa sarili ko ang masaktan at pagdudahan ang sarili. I knew that I had to go through all these stages so that I'd be ready and armed to deal with it.
Maverick faces his demons. He chooses to graduate and tests his skills in battle than quit.
I choose the same. The nostalgia trip is over and done with. (For the meantime at least. Until I see the need to go on a trip again.) I sent my long-overdue response of acknowledgement to Plaridel and am hoping for a favorable response regarding the deadline. In case it is unfavorable, I only have myself to blame and the trip I made this semester.
Aside from that, last semester's heartache is over! I have moved on. The LMC fantasy has ended. Actually, matagal na akong aware sa pantasya. Pinatagal ko lang siya at pilit na nagpakalunod sa kilig na ako lamang ang gumagawa. Masarap man sa pakiramdam ang kilig, nakakaumay rin sa katagalan lalo na't mag-isa ka lang na gumagawa nito.
So ayun! Hello, world na muli!
