Promises, Lies, & Deadmahan

Promise is such a scared word to me. Binibigyan ko siya ng malaking pagpapahalaga na kapag ginamit mo siya sa akin, I'll hold you to it. Para siyang seal dealer for me; isang contract na pinapasukan mo with me; ang iyong John Hancock.

The sad thing with people today is that they throw the word like piece of shit. Ginagamit nila ito to get what they want that when it comes to giving their end of the bargain, they fall short. Despite the loose use of the word, umaasa pa rin naman ako madalas na aakuin ng tao ang salitang binitawan nila sa akin. It's my weakness really. Kahit pa ilang beses na akong napagsinungalingan, I still give people the benefit of the doubt. Laging iniisip ko na, "Maybe this time, they would own it." However, it's me who end up eating my own words.

The ex and I converse once in a while because of the expenses he left here that I need to attend to. I send him e-mails or text messages reminding him of due dates. However, lately, I haven't been hearing from him despite my numerous messages to him. The last words I received from him was that he'd send the payments eventually. Eventually? How could he give me such a time when due dates come every month?

I wouldn't mind the delay so long as natutupad niya 'yung obligation niya. The thing is, ni hindi siya sumasagot sa mga e-mails ko despite my pleas. Ako kasi ang kinukulit at hinahabol ng mga credit card companies at pangalan ko ang nasisira dahil card ko ang ginamit niya noong andito pa siya. Bukod pa sa naiwan niyang sarili niyang card na may balance pa rin at dito naka-address sa 'min.

Before that, three months ago, he'd promised that he would send the payment in a week's time. Buwan na ang lumipas at wala pa rin. Dagdag pa ru'n 'yung sasabihin niyang the payment was on its way at bangko ang may problema sa delay. Then the delay would take such a long time na parang di na 'ata tamang tanggapin na bangko ang may problema. I've asked him about it pero deadma siya. Ang gusto ko lang naman ay explanation para maintindihan ko ang nangyayari. Para hindi ako nag-e-expect. But nothing! Nakasanayan na niya talaga lokohin ako na until now ay ginagawa pa rin niya.

Nagpahiram ako ng (rare) CDs sa isang "kaibigan." Those were in exchange of the CDs that I borrowed from him, as well. Then, a few months ago, nagkaproblema kami with each other. I was borrowing some Tagalog VCDs from him that I'd be using sana for a class project, pero pinagdamutan niya ko. Sinabi niyang hindi siya nagdamot when I confronted him about it a few weeks after, saying that he was just busy then. But I knew better. I knew he was lying kasi hindi tugma ang sinabi niyang dahilan sa Facebook statuses niya that time. Eh ang gusto ko lang naman ay sabihin niya sa akin ang totoo. The lies made how I feel worst. Idagdag pa sa fact na everytime na may gusto siyang hingin o hiramin sa 'kin noon, pinagbibigyan ko siya.

I asked for my CDs back, telling him to ship them to me. Gusto niya makipagkita ng personal, but I didn't want to see him. Kinulit ko siya about it that he became defensive. "Isosoli ko rin ang mga CDs mo. Hindi ako magnanakaw," he said. He didn't use the word promise, but the words he used were pretty much guarantee that he would do what he said.

Pinangako niyang ibabalik ang CDs ko by August 30, but it didn't happen. I waited patiently even if I already shipped his CDs to him. I asked again last week, and he said that he was about to send the CDs to me. May sinabi pa nga siyang he's hoping that we have the friendship back and that he would do what it takes to win back my confidence in him.

The CDs did not arrive. I asked him for updates several times pero deadma siya. Di nagre-reply sa texts ko o FB messages. Di rin sumasagot sa mga tawag ko.

Again, I wouldn't mind the delay basta lang ipaalam niya sa 'kin. Maiintindihan ko kung wala pa siyang perang pang-ship. I even suggested na mag-meet na lang kami. But nothing. I asked him for an explanation dahil ayokong isiping ninenok na nga niya 'yung CDs. Deadma siya. Kung nawala naman during shipping or whatever, tell me! 'Yun ang gusto ko. Pero mukhang pinaninindigan na niya ang pagiging asshole tulad ng paninindigan niyang bisexual siya.

The CDs he borrowed are not available in stores anymore: Kung Ako Na Lang Sana and Forever soundtracks and Sharon's Seafood City compilation given to me from the US. So hindi sila mapapalitan basta-basta.

'Yung isang kakilala ko naman ay pinahiram ko ng (rare) DVD at VCD of two different movies. Nu'ng pinapasoli ko na sa kanya, he also became defensive saying na hindi niya pinag-iinteresan ang mga movies na 'yun. Ako naman si tanga ay naniwala sa kanya. Same thing happened. Deadma sa messages and calls.

I guess this one ay sanay na sanay sa pagsisinungaling. When we met, sinabing niya wala na sila ng bf niya. He's starting anew. Yet I got a message from his bf na sa house niya pa rin ito tumutuloy at ongoing ang relationship nila kahit ayaw na niya (nu'ng bf).

When I asked the guy about it, nag-sorry siya about the "lie" at sinabing wala na sila talaga at kukunin na niya ang gamit niya to move back to his parent's house. Hindi na ko nagtanong pa about the bf dahil alam kong kasinungalingan lang ang matatanggap ko. (Napatunayan ko rin 'yun dahil nag-I love you siya sa mga photos ng supposedy ex-bf niya na nilagay niya sa FB.) I just want my videos back para tuluyan na siyang mawala sa buhay ko.

Ganyan 'ata talaga when you're dealing with a (once a) child actor. He blurs the line between the truth and the staged life.

Crush promised to come here on Oct. 30. He didn't. Ni hindi sumasagot sa texts ko at FB messages when I asked him what happened. Kahit sa FB chat, deadma siya.

Naghanda ako sa pagpunta niya rito. I even cooked pasta for him. Also bought a gift for him to remember me by. I made sure na gusto niya 'yung binili ko para ma-appreciate niya ng husto. Kahit pa pagkamahal-mahal nu'n para ibigay sa isang crush lang.

I asked for an explanation. Iintindihin ko so long as maipaliwanag niya. But nothing. Deadma siya.

Tinatanong ko kay God kung bakit ganito ang nangyayari sa 'kin. Bakit sunod-sunod. What pattern am I in na kailangan kong alisan para magbago ang kapalaran ko? Is He saying na huwag na ko magtiwala? Na huwag akong maniniwala kaagad sa mga pangakong binibitiwan ng tao sa akin? What would I become then if I do that? Tuluyan na ba akong magiging jaded at bitter?

What did I do to deserve this kind of treatment?

Sana hindi ka lang nangako. Sana hindi na lang kayo nangako.

Edit:

As of 11:50 PM, nagkaru'n ng linaw ang kwento ni crush. No phone siya for two days now. (I didn't bother calling him actually.) And he thought na 31st ang dapat pagpunta niya kaso wala pa raw siya tulog till now. Pagluluto ko pa raw ba siya kapag nagpunta siya?

Ewan ko ba! Sobrang nakakainis na ang nangyayari! Laging mali ang diskarte ko sa isang ito.

"Sex and the City 2" (Philippine Release DVDs)

Sex and the City 2 comes in three 1-disc DVD editions:

1. With free shades that come in four styles depending on each character.
(Since I am a Miranda character, I chose her. Though it will be just for collection purposes! I wouldn't have the nerve to wear them in public.)


2. With free notebook


3. Regular edition - no free item

Life: A Chronology

So true, right?

From Murray The Nut

"Hayop sa Sarap," Parang Timang Lang (1985)

Read entry here: "Hayop sa Sarap," Parang Timang Lang (1985)

Age Is Not Just a Number

Age is just a number, so goes the saying. But we often hear such words from older people who don't want their ages to define them or be use it against them. However, for the young, it isn't so. When it comes to relationships, age is a major player.

I must admit that I like 'em young (and fresh). The innocent, cute boy looking strike up a tingly chord in me. As I age though, I don't see them the way I do before. Sa ngayon, mga inosenteng crush na lang na parang high-schooler ang dating. I don't see them as potential partners or at least having a long-term commitment with them. If ever, for fun na lang.

I have a friend (slightly younger than me) who I learned is in a relationship with a 17-year old boy. Medyo takot siyang pumasok sa mga relationship dahil hindi naman siya completely out, so I was surprised to see a change in his Facebook status. Two days ago, he felt bad, citing that this boy tells him he loves him, yet still communicates with "others." Nasasaktan siya.

That is how with this so-called relationship with teens goes. I had once a fling with a 17-year old boy. Alam ko namang walang patutunguhan ang relasyon namin. Nevertheless, pinatulan ko pa rin. Gwapo at cute, eh. The same with my friend, this boy told me he loved me several times. Napakadali para sa kanyang sabihing ang katagang 'yun kaya naman wala rin kadating-dating sa 'kin. Empty words; hallow feelings. Still, sinakyan ko. It was good until it lasted--for about a week or so! (After ko mabili 'yung polo na gustong-gusto niya sa Folded and Hung. He made sure na gustong-gusto niya kasi hindi siya tumigil sa kakasabi habang nasa Megamall kami.)

Unless matapang ang sikmura mo na makipagsabayan sa mga bagets or you get the upper hand, importante na malaman mo ang susuungin mo when it comes to dealing with them. These kids are so volatile. Konting alog lang, sumasabog na. Lalo na sa panahon ngayon kung saan they are free to express themselves well. Kasehodang makasakit ng iba, gagawin nila ang gusto nila. (I don't think na may concept sila ng konsensya at this stage of their lives.) They also get into "relationships" easily na parang nagpapalit lang ng brief. (Assuming they wear briefs at hindi nila naiiwan 'yun sa last encounter nila.) If straight teens can be promiscuous, lalo na ang gay teens. Pagsamahin ba naman ang dalawang lalaki na di uso ang ligawan!

Nabanggit ni Marc na ang hilig ko nga raw talaga sa bata when he learned that I am into this UP undergrad classmate of mine. (See previous posts.) Pero never naman ako na-attract sa kanya because he's young(er). (He's in his 20s.) What attracted him to me is 'yung dating niya--smart and confident. Isa sa hinahanap ko ay 'yung may laman ang utak. 'Yung makakapag-usap kami at the end of the day ng tungkol sa kahit ano. Aanhin ko ang super hunk kung mani naman ang laman ng utak? Further, he has this huge booming voice na very butch ang dating. Plus, one can never dismiss his wide smile and dimples. Kaya naman never ko ring naisip na we're so many years apart from each other until he tells me na hindi niya napanood ang Dawson's Creek! That's when I realized na ang tagal-tagal na nga ng 1993! Sa generation namin, parang kailan lang iyon.

Isa 'yun sa biglang naging consideration ko in pursuing him. Makakasabay pa ba ako sa kanya? Mahahabol pa ba niya ako?

Anyway, age consideration or not, I've decided to lay low. When I asked him before kung sa'n siya sa QC nakatira, he jokingly said, "Sa puso mo." Then, let it just be. Stay there until I know what my next move would be...



Photo Credit: http://latinaish.com/2010/09/01/escritura-y-diferencias/

Taking Chances

I was trying to make a good impression by letting you know that I have been thinking about you, yet mas nakasama pa 'ata. You were offended by my misquotes when it wasn't really my intention. Sinabi mo na nadadalas ang pagmi-misquote ko, and I'm clueless about those instances. However, it wasn't intentional. I was focused more on the idea about my memories of you than the actual words used and sentences told. Nasabi ko nga sa sarili ko na I want more of those. I want to have a future with you.

But do I really?

Never in my entire life that I tried to impress someone much the way I want to do with you. But it seems like no matter what I say, parang laging may mali. It feels like I'm walking on thin ice. The moment I let the cat out of the bag, I don't know how to be cool with you again. Parang make or break for me palagi.

I met someone online a few months ago. (Or it was last year, I think.) We kinda hit it off, and he seemed nice enough to hang around with. He likes movies the way I do so major pogi points na 'yun. However, the minute I told him that I took some MA units in Ateneo and is in UP for MA Film, he took some steps backward. Intimidated daw siya sa mga ganu'n kasi di siya nakatapos ng college. From then on, unti-unti na siyang lumayo until he stopped communicating with me.

Hindi naman ganu'n katagal ang naging communication namin sa isa't-isa. A few days lang 'ata. We haven't met personally and had not talked much, so I haven't had the chance to prove myself to him that I don't wear my "accomplishments" as badges. Kaya I don't understand why he suddenly brushed me aside just because he feels intimidated.

Now I get it. Ganu'n pala ang pakiramdam when you feel like someone is way out of your league. You don't even wanna give it a try. The problem is, the more I try, the more I feel like a failure. Parang I can't get through you. I can't win.

So what am I to do?

I don't know really. Parang tama na sa 'kin that I took a leap of faith by letting you know how I feel. Fate na lang ang magde-decide whether we're meant to be or not given the odds between us.

Mahirap kasing makipaglaban if you feel na mag-isa ka lang sa struggles mo. Ang sa 'kin, I did my part. It's up to you to do yours, whether in favor sa 'kin o hindi. I just don't wanna look as if I'm pushing myself hard on you. And I don't wanna feel pathetic by being glad with whatever crumbs you hand out to me.

I am tired really. I've been burned so many times before. Is it so bad to ask na maging in favor naman sa 'kin ang mundo once in a while?

Don’t know much about your life.
Don’t know much about your world, but
Don’t want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.

You don’t know about my past, and
I don’t have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it’s not meant to last...

The World's First Bionic Burger

Tempting Fate

They say that when you are about to die, memories of your past life flash before your eyes. I feel that it's the same thing when something in you is about to get lost forever. Memories of your good times together start to haunt you, making you regret what you did.

Memories rewind, from the latest ones to the oldest; from the time you were walking away to your destination, texting me "babay", to the time that we almost sat beside together in class during the first day then asking me for a spare pen on the next meeting.

Memories flash by, from one scene to the next; from the time you were teasing me about my 6-page final exam, saying how it was so lazy, undergrad-like, to the time you were smitten about the clock in my room, asking if it rings on alarm.

I should've stayed away from you the minute I learned your name. But I couldn't resist. I just had to get close to you. I had to fight fear. I had to stay strong.

I should've kept a distance from you when you told me that you weren't into relationships. But I was stubborn. I didn't listen, thinking you might turn the other way.

I have tempted fate. It felt like the signs were all against us, yet I took a chance. I have risked our friendship, and I was left with none.

I am sorry that I have overstepped my boundaries. I just wanted to get it out there. But jumping out of the bus has it consequences. You'd either die or survive. You'd either be scratch-free or wounded.

I'm sure that I'll survive. I just couldn't say if I'll be scratch-free.

This is what happens when you look for happiness. You get hurt. I hope that once it finds me, I'd still be alive to enjoy it.

So I walked under a bus
I got hit by a train
Keep falling in love
Which is kinda the same
I've sunk out at sea
Crashed my car, gone insane
And it felt so good
I want to do it again...

Elwood Perez's "Waikiki" (1980)

Read post here, Ikaw na ang Maging Alicia Alonzo sa "Waikiki"!