Taking Chances

I was trying to make a good impression by letting you know that I have been thinking about you, yet mas nakasama pa 'ata. You were offended by my misquotes when it wasn't really my intention. Sinabi mo na nadadalas ang pagmi-misquote ko, and I'm clueless about those instances. However, it wasn't intentional. I was focused more on the idea about my memories of you than the actual words used and sentences told. Nasabi ko nga sa sarili ko na I want more of those. I want to have a future with you.

But do I really?

Never in my entire life that I tried to impress someone much the way I want to do with you. But it seems like no matter what I say, parang laging may mali. It feels like I'm walking on thin ice. The moment I let the cat out of the bag, I don't know how to be cool with you again. Parang make or break for me palagi.

I met someone online a few months ago. (Or it was last year, I think.) We kinda hit it off, and he seemed nice enough to hang around with. He likes movies the way I do so major pogi points na 'yun. However, the minute I told him that I took some MA units in Ateneo and is in UP for MA Film, he took some steps backward. Intimidated daw siya sa mga ganu'n kasi di siya nakatapos ng college. From then on, unti-unti na siyang lumayo until he stopped communicating with me.

Hindi naman ganu'n katagal ang naging communication namin sa isa't-isa. A few days lang 'ata. We haven't met personally and had not talked much, so I haven't had the chance to prove myself to him that I don't wear my "accomplishments" as badges. Kaya I don't understand why he suddenly brushed me aside just because he feels intimidated.

Now I get it. Ganu'n pala ang pakiramdam when you feel like someone is way out of your league. You don't even wanna give it a try. The problem is, the more I try, the more I feel like a failure. Parang I can't get through you. I can't win.

So what am I to do?

I don't know really. Parang tama na sa 'kin that I took a leap of faith by letting you know how I feel. Fate na lang ang magde-decide whether we're meant to be or not given the odds between us.

Mahirap kasing makipaglaban if you feel na mag-isa ka lang sa struggles mo. Ang sa 'kin, I did my part. It's up to you to do yours, whether in favor sa 'kin o hindi. I just don't wanna look as if I'm pushing myself hard on you. And I don't wanna feel pathetic by being glad with whatever crumbs you hand out to me.

I am tired really. I've been burned so many times before. Is it so bad to ask na maging in favor naman sa 'kin ang mundo once in a while?

Don’t know much about your life.
Don’t know much about your world, but
Don’t want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.

You don’t know about my past, and
I don’t have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it’s not meant to last...