Promises, Lies, & Deadmahan

Promise is such a scared word to me. Binibigyan ko siya ng malaking pagpapahalaga na kapag ginamit mo siya sa akin, I'll hold you to it. Para siyang seal dealer for me; isang contract na pinapasukan mo with me; ang iyong John Hancock.

The sad thing with people today is that they throw the word like piece of shit. Ginagamit nila ito to get what they want that when it comes to giving their end of the bargain, they fall short. Despite the loose use of the word, umaasa pa rin naman ako madalas na aakuin ng tao ang salitang binitawan nila sa akin. It's my weakness really. Kahit pa ilang beses na akong napagsinungalingan, I still give people the benefit of the doubt. Laging iniisip ko na, "Maybe this time, they would own it." However, it's me who end up eating my own words.

The ex and I converse once in a while because of the expenses he left here that I need to attend to. I send him e-mails or text messages reminding him of due dates. However, lately, I haven't been hearing from him despite my numerous messages to him. The last words I received from him was that he'd send the payments eventually. Eventually? How could he give me such a time when due dates come every month?

I wouldn't mind the delay so long as natutupad niya 'yung obligation niya. The thing is, ni hindi siya sumasagot sa mga e-mails ko despite my pleas. Ako kasi ang kinukulit at hinahabol ng mga credit card companies at pangalan ko ang nasisira dahil card ko ang ginamit niya noong andito pa siya. Bukod pa sa naiwan niyang sarili niyang card na may balance pa rin at dito naka-address sa 'min.

Before that, three months ago, he'd promised that he would send the payment in a week's time. Buwan na ang lumipas at wala pa rin. Dagdag pa ru'n 'yung sasabihin niyang the payment was on its way at bangko ang may problema sa delay. Then the delay would take such a long time na parang di na 'ata tamang tanggapin na bangko ang may problema. I've asked him about it pero deadma siya. Ang gusto ko lang naman ay explanation para maintindihan ko ang nangyayari. Para hindi ako nag-e-expect. But nothing! Nakasanayan na niya talaga lokohin ako na until now ay ginagawa pa rin niya.

Nagpahiram ako ng (rare) CDs sa isang "kaibigan." Those were in exchange of the CDs that I borrowed from him, as well. Then, a few months ago, nagkaproblema kami with each other. I was borrowing some Tagalog VCDs from him that I'd be using sana for a class project, pero pinagdamutan niya ko. Sinabi niyang hindi siya nagdamot when I confronted him about it a few weeks after, saying that he was just busy then. But I knew better. I knew he was lying kasi hindi tugma ang sinabi niyang dahilan sa Facebook statuses niya that time. Eh ang gusto ko lang naman ay sabihin niya sa akin ang totoo. The lies made how I feel worst. Idagdag pa sa fact na everytime na may gusto siyang hingin o hiramin sa 'kin noon, pinagbibigyan ko siya.

I asked for my CDs back, telling him to ship them to me. Gusto niya makipagkita ng personal, but I didn't want to see him. Kinulit ko siya about it that he became defensive. "Isosoli ko rin ang mga CDs mo. Hindi ako magnanakaw," he said. He didn't use the word promise, but the words he used were pretty much guarantee that he would do what he said.

Pinangako niyang ibabalik ang CDs ko by August 30, but it didn't happen. I waited patiently even if I already shipped his CDs to him. I asked again last week, and he said that he was about to send the CDs to me. May sinabi pa nga siyang he's hoping that we have the friendship back and that he would do what it takes to win back my confidence in him.

The CDs did not arrive. I asked him for updates several times pero deadma siya. Di nagre-reply sa texts ko o FB messages. Di rin sumasagot sa mga tawag ko.

Again, I wouldn't mind the delay basta lang ipaalam niya sa 'kin. Maiintindihan ko kung wala pa siyang perang pang-ship. I even suggested na mag-meet na lang kami. But nothing. I asked him for an explanation dahil ayokong isiping ninenok na nga niya 'yung CDs. Deadma siya. Kung nawala naman during shipping or whatever, tell me! 'Yun ang gusto ko. Pero mukhang pinaninindigan na niya ang pagiging asshole tulad ng paninindigan niyang bisexual siya.

The CDs he borrowed are not available in stores anymore: Kung Ako Na Lang Sana and Forever soundtracks and Sharon's Seafood City compilation given to me from the US. So hindi sila mapapalitan basta-basta.

'Yung isang kakilala ko naman ay pinahiram ko ng (rare) DVD at VCD of two different movies. Nu'ng pinapasoli ko na sa kanya, he also became defensive saying na hindi niya pinag-iinteresan ang mga movies na 'yun. Ako naman si tanga ay naniwala sa kanya. Same thing happened. Deadma sa messages and calls.

I guess this one ay sanay na sanay sa pagsisinungaling. When we met, sinabing niya wala na sila ng bf niya. He's starting anew. Yet I got a message from his bf na sa house niya pa rin ito tumutuloy at ongoing ang relationship nila kahit ayaw na niya (nu'ng bf).

When I asked the guy about it, nag-sorry siya about the "lie" at sinabing wala na sila talaga at kukunin na niya ang gamit niya to move back to his parent's house. Hindi na ko nagtanong pa about the bf dahil alam kong kasinungalingan lang ang matatanggap ko. (Napatunayan ko rin 'yun dahil nag-I love you siya sa mga photos ng supposedy ex-bf niya na nilagay niya sa FB.) I just want my videos back para tuluyan na siyang mawala sa buhay ko.

Ganyan 'ata talaga when you're dealing with a (once a) child actor. He blurs the line between the truth and the staged life.

Crush promised to come here on Oct. 30. He didn't. Ni hindi sumasagot sa texts ko at FB messages when I asked him what happened. Kahit sa FB chat, deadma siya.

Naghanda ako sa pagpunta niya rito. I even cooked pasta for him. Also bought a gift for him to remember me by. I made sure na gusto niya 'yung binili ko para ma-appreciate niya ng husto. Kahit pa pagkamahal-mahal nu'n para ibigay sa isang crush lang.

I asked for an explanation. Iintindihin ko so long as maipaliwanag niya. But nothing. Deadma siya.

Tinatanong ko kay God kung bakit ganito ang nangyayari sa 'kin. Bakit sunod-sunod. What pattern am I in na kailangan kong alisan para magbago ang kapalaran ko? Is He saying na huwag na ko magtiwala? Na huwag akong maniniwala kaagad sa mga pangakong binibitiwan ng tao sa akin? What would I become then if I do that? Tuluyan na ba akong magiging jaded at bitter?

What did I do to deserve this kind of treatment?

Sana hindi ka lang nangako. Sana hindi na lang kayo nangako.

Edit:

As of 11:50 PM, nagkaru'n ng linaw ang kwento ni crush. No phone siya for two days now. (I didn't bother calling him actually.) And he thought na 31st ang dapat pagpunta niya kaso wala pa raw siya tulog till now. Pagluluto ko pa raw ba siya kapag nagpunta siya?

Ewan ko ba! Sobrang nakakainis na ang nangyayari! Laging mali ang diskarte ko sa isang ito.