Sometimes, there are feelings you can't seem to express, leaving you with a heavy heart. Sometimes, there are words that you can't seem to vocalize, leaving you with a bad taste in the mouth. When these things happen, sometimes, there are people who convey the feelings you kept hidden to yourself and utter the words you dared not say.
When I told Biboy about a certain event in my life two months ago, he was the first to shed tears for me. I was yet to understand my feelings but he was already ahead of me. I have avoided being resentful of the situation or towards anyone, but again, he did it for me. Rationalization was in no way part of his vocabulary when it comes to articulating his feelings. So what if feelings are irrational! Karapatan n'ya maramdaman 'yun, so be it! For that, I am grateful to him. Siguro kaya nahirapan din akong damdamin ang nangyari 'cause he already did it for me. He literally took the pain away from me. But of course, it shouldn't end there. I still had to my share of low moments just so I could get over it completely. Kaya naman di maiiwasan ang panaka-nakang pagluha every now and then.
Then comes an unexpected post from a friend that truly moved me. For the things I couldn't say, she had phrased them so clearly. Minsan nga ay napag-usapan namin na, tulad niya, kailangan kong sabihin 'yung nararamdam ko, kahit ga'no pa man ito kasakit o kadumi, pero minsan hindi ko kaya. Sa pagsusulat ko nailalabas. "Writer ka nga," sabi niya. However, this is something that I wasn't able to write yet directly. Pahaging-haging lang. I'm still waiting for a particular blow that would make me let go of it all. Or maybe I have already done my time, I just don't know it yet.
To Acy, thank you for such words. Hindi ko 'to malilimutan. Sabi ko naman sa 'yo, i-sangla na natin ang bahay mo at mag-produce tayo ng movie! Kahit 'kaw pa ang artista. Buhayin natin ang ST/TF films! Love you, gurl!
***
what a journey it has been
Kaibigan ko si Jheck kaya alam ko kung gaano niya mahal ang pagsusulat. At dahil kaibigan ko siya, nararamdaman ko kung gaano naging masakit ang pag-end ng isang journey na mahaba pa ang dapat niyang tahakin.
Minsan naiisip ko, ang mundo ng pagsusulat ang isa mga pinakamagulong mundo, hindi lang halata kasi tahimik lang ang bawat pangyayari. Marami ang lihim na pinaiiyak ng mundong ito, madamot ang mundong ito pero ito pa din ang pinipili namin.
Naniniwala akong walang ipinanganak na writer pero may mga taong ipinanganak para mahalin ang mundong ng writing. At isa kami ni jheck sa nagmamahal sa mundong ito.
Sabi nga ng isang sikat na writer ang madalas daw ang mga taong into creative like writers eh hindi nagiging successful sa business, eh kasi most of them just needed self satisfaction to the things they love to do. Yun naman pala eh, mahirap bang pagbigyan kami ng aming self satisfaction?
Naalala ko yung takot na madalas namin maramdamang mga brainstormers, yung mabakante kami or kung saan kami pupulutin after ng isang show. Or kung may next show pa ba kami? Minsan nga naiisip ko, bakit naman kaya kami nag-undergo pa ng training sa scriptwriting kung brainstorming lang ang gagawin namin? Paano naman yung ibang tulad ko na hindi magaling sa brainstorming pero mas nailalabas ang nararamdaman thru writing? Ang damot ng mundong ito noh, pero sige pa din kami ng sige.
Minsan naiisip ko bakit dapat ganito? Bakit dapat na maging madamot ang mundong ito eh gusto lang naman namin magsulat. Ang totoo siguro, maraming buwaya sa mundong ito, hindi lang halata. Maraming bakaw, maraming mapagsamantala. Hindi lang obvious ang lahat, dahil hindi lang talaga obvious. Ahahahha! Saka kapag sinabing writer ka, mukha kang mabait at hindi ka gagawa ng masama. Ahahaha!
Unpredictable nga daw ang pagtatrabaho sa TV writing at you're only good as your last show. Pero kahit anong kademonyuhan ang ipakita sa amin ng mundong ito, ang hirap iwan, ang hirap kalimutan.
Eh kasi gusto lang naman namin magsulat, yun lang.
Tapos gusto din namin yumaman tulad ng nila. Ahahahha!
