It's Now Official!

I don't have a job! Actually, it could also be unofficial. I don't know. But for sure, I'm out of the job. I have sent a message to my employer asking for a break to think things over. In the SMS, I told him that I am freaking out and feeling like I couldn't do a job. I told him that I was out of town and couldn't find a signal. Therefore, if he wanted to talk to me, he won't be able to. Thinking that he'd get the idea of the difficulty in reaching me, he assumed that it was my way of saying that I want out. He then sent me a message saying that it seemed that I didn't want to talk anymore. If so, just please return this and that.

If he was disappointed with how I have treated this situation, I understand. I'm not so good with confrontation (or confronting my feelings) especially if it involves people that I care about. However, frankly speaking, I am disappointed, too, with how he dealt with this. He was asking for the "papers" I worked on for about a week. As if everything in them were his ideas. Of course, I'd give them to him. I have no reason of keeping them. What I'm concern about is that he failed to at least acknowledge that I have worked my ass off during the times I was in his office. In case we'd talk, I would even tell him not to pay the hours I spent in the office. Pampalubag-loob kumbaga. But he didn't even say anything about it. As if telling me that I didn't do anything! When, in fact, he told me earlier that he'd be paying me for the feasibility study. I'm offended... Oh well, I can't do anything about it anymore. I guess this is the payment for what I did.

My other concern, as well, is that I don't want him to think badly of me. However, it would be inevitable. I just have to accept it. Besides, I couldn't help it if people would think so and so about me. My greatest adversary, though, is myself. I hope that I could get over this. The sooner, the better...

Freaked Out

It has been four days and I haven't reported from work. Last week, I said that I was sick. Today, I didn't say a thing. I just turned my fone off. The truth is, I am freaking out! I still have no clue on what to do. I have been praying and asking God for answers. I don't if I had already received them and just didn't recognize it or He was leaving me to decide on my own. Last night, I have dreamt mostly about death and impossible situations happening. I'm not sure if the answers were hidden behind those dreams.

What's worst is that I am feeling guilty with these absences. My employer is very kind to me and the last thing on my mind is hurting him. I don't have any idea what to say to him. And I don't just want to go back to work with this on my mind. Basically, that is what bothering me the most. I don't want to leave him empty-handed or disappointed on me. It would hurt me a lot if leaving him would 'cause a rift in our relationship. I'm afraid, though, that if I continue, he'd end up disappointed, as well, because I won't be giving my best efforts.

Oh, God. Please give me the wisdom to decipher what to do and the courage to do it...

On Video: Pa-Siyam (RP 2004)

Pa-Siyam came out a few months after the highly-successful Pinoy horror flick Feng-Shui. Of course, good publicities for the film were left and right. I had my doubts because it was from Regal Films. Regal Films and horror are words that truly don't jive with one another. Most Regal horror films are highly commercialized that stories are being overlooked. True enough, when the movie came out in theaters, it turned out that the good publicities were all hype!

When I went to the video stores, Pa-Siyam was available. I wasn't really too keen on watching it but I told myself, what the heck? Let's see what is it all about. I wasn't expecting anything good. I wanted to know how the movie truly sucked!

Pa-Siyam is about five siblings who came back to their hometown to bury their mother. The reason for her death was still unknown to them. After the burial, the family held the traditional 9-day novena (pa-siyam). From then on, a series of weird events happened to them. Until finally, they were able to uncovered the truth behind her death.

The moment I put the disc in, I started flipping the remote control - fast forwarding the film when there were no dialogues spoken. Actually, you really wouldn't miss a thing because, for a so-called horror film, it dragged a lot! There wasn't even any scenes that would make you crawl out of your skin. So, for a horror film, this movie sucked big time!

HOWEVER

For the movie to work, one should not take it as a horror flick but rather a psychological thriller/drama kind of movie. The strange events weren't scary but rather weird. So the weirdness of it all wouldn't get one scared but rather seek answers. Besides, there is nothing scary about your own dead mother trying to make her presence felt among her children. A dead relative isn't the best one to use as a horror creature.

Because it is oh-so-slow, you have to sit right through it till you get the answers. In that respect, it is already a psychological ride ala A Tale of Two Sisters. And I suggest that you stay put because you might never know, you may get the suprise twist of your life! But of course, it really isn't that twisted but commendable enough to pull you through and rip your heart out in the end! Trust me, if you were one of the siblings, you might think of killing yourself afterwards!

Pa-Siyam has the distinction of using the being "the first horror movie to be shot using high-definition digital tape with original live audio on the soundtrack". For that, it is really commendable! From that start of the film, it would really make you get the weird feeling. The use of green color for the entire film was great! Plus, music soundtrack was eerie! It would make you feel like bawl yourself to death while credits are going on. But the story surely needed some more polishing.

My recommendation, try Pa-Siyam. Just do as I tell you and you won't get disappointed.

Conglomeration of Smilies

I have a job. Yehey! I should be rejoicing, right? Actually, I don't remember if I did rejoice about it. I know that I did feel glad when I was offered the job. It was a case of "ask and you shall receive" kind of thing. When the opportunity came, I immediately grabbed it without really thinking the things that would be asked from me. The cards were laid on the table yet I didn't go through each and every of them. I was looking after the fact that it would give me the future that I was hoping to have. What I overlooked is the hardships that it would entail to reach that aspiration.

Don't get me wrong. I am not someone who would just give up because of the difficulties of the job. But my dilemma now is that I don't have a clue re my job. It isn't my forte. I know that I said that I was told about the job description before accepting it. I was even given a few days to think about it. However, the problem was that I didn't think of it thoroughly. I became blinded with what's ahead and not with what's in front of me.

Self-fulfilling Prophecy
Biboy had already warned me about the job. Back then, I didn't understand why he was rejecting the idea of me accepting the job. Then, dad said "Try mo muna ng one week. Baka di mo magustuhan." That shocked me even further! How could he say such a thing? How could Biboy react that way? Was there a sign on my forehead that said "Danger ahead"?

What to Do?
I don't know. I'm filled with confusion at the moment. This week has started on the wrong foot. First, I was awaken by my best friend's message saying that his father has passed away. Second, I was so disappointed that we couldn't even be with him in this time of turmoil because his father's dying wish is to be buried in Pangasinan where he has spent his last days. Pangasinan isn't unreachable but it is just too far. It makes me terribly sad that I couldn't be with Than-than these days.

Third, I came to realize that I don't know what I was doing in my job. I don't want to disappoint my employer because he has put all his trust on me. He has high expectations of me. He even said "Excited na ko sa maaari mong gawin!" I'm afraid that I won't be able to live up to his standards because I don't understand what I was doing. Not to mention that I don't want to disappoint myself.

I have also other worries. For one thing, I am alone with the job. No help whatsoever. I have to decide on my own and come up with the best possible plans that would fulfill my employer's vision. Sure, he gives some output once in a while or pitch in some ideas. But the fact remains that it's gonna be all on me and he himself doesn't have much idea on what to do. That's why he hired me for the job - not exactly for my knowlegde but for the passion he sees in me! But the passion is slowly dying down everyday. It isn't giving me enough strenght to hold on and continue with what I'm supposed to. Every waking day is becoming a struggle.

What have I put myself into? Moreso, the pay isn't that encouraging enough...

When Fate Play Its Dirty Tricks
As if all the confusion was enough to keep me stranded, there goes another situation. Biboy lost his *new* celfone! Someone stole it from him on the bus! OMG! A new and expensive fone given as a gift to him by his father! Just last Saturday, the rift between them have seemed to smoothened out. All is well, ika nga. But how could have this happened?! Nananadya ba talaga ang pagkakataon?

He's definitely gonna receive some blows from him and his mother since this isn't the first time he lost a fone. He was already marked for life by the incident before and now, he'd just gonna prove them right. Aside from that, it was an expensive fone!

Biboy initially wanted us to replace the fone. I know how scared he must be feeling. But what will it do? We don't have that kind of money to buy such fone. Using a credit card would just drown us more in debts since we have been paying more debts as it is today. He said that he would pay it using his salary. How? He won't be making enough money to survive his everyday expenses and the would-be payment.

Bakit Ganito?
He's been feeling down about his job. He wants to quit.

I am having doubts about my job. I feel like like quitting before it's too late.

What should we do? Why is this happening to us? Could someone please give me answers?