Anti-Climactic

Parang napaka-anti-climactic ng ilang mga nangyayari sa buhay ko. Kumbaga sa movie, dumating na ang climax na hindi man lang napapansin ng mga manonood. It flows evenly that there seems to be no dramatic conclusions to it.

Two years ago, I got sick for almost three weeks. On and off ang naging lagnat ko n'un during the first couple of days until nagtuloy-tuloy na siya the week after. Nang mag-pa-check-up ako, I had dengue daw, according to the doctors. Usong-uso 'yun that time. Dahil sa prolonged fever, naisip na rin namin na baka nga dengue. But I waiting for some bleeding or rashes to surface para masabi ko nga na tinamaan nga ako ng lintek. There was none kaya the result was sort of surprising. Dagdag pa nga ng mga doctors na I already have an anti-dengue strain in my blood so they were able to tell na 'yun nga ang naging sakit ko. Luckily, malakas ang resistensya ko kaya nalampasan ko. Imagine, nagka-dengue na pala ako ng hindi ko nalalaman. Kung hindi kami pumunta sa hospital, I could've gotten better without knowing what hit me. Hindi ko lang kasi tinuloy-tuloy ang pag-inom ng paracetamol kaya nagpa-balik-balik 'yung lagnat ko, thus we had to visit the doctor.

Last Friday, my dad and I made another hospital visit. This time it was because I felt a sudden lightness and numbness in my left arm. I am not that alarmed with it but I had to make sure that it wasn't what we're thinking it was. Because the feeling was sudden and first time, the doctors had to asked me to be admitted for at least a day. I had to be under observation because it might've been a case of "mild stroke," just what Biboy thought it was. And if I really suffered such, the next hit would be dangerous and might lead to death. Still, I wasn't that alarmed. I didn't have any thoughts of it might be my last day. However, we had to make sure. Kahit kapos sa budget, carry na rin.

Naisip ko, kita mo nga naman, kung totoo nga, na-istroke na pala ako nang hindi ko nalalaman. Anti-climactic, di ba? Siguro kaya minsan nagkakaganu'n ang mga pangyayari sa buhay ko is because I don't like confrontations. Usually, when I feel bad about something, iniinda ko muna; ninanamnam bago iparating sa mga taong involved. So when it reached them, hindi na ganu'n kalakas ang impact on them or on me even. Pang-closure na lang kumbaga. Naisip ko nga noon pa na kung magkakaroon ako ng sakit, sakit sa puso 'yun dahil sa dami ng kanyang dinadala.

Naisip ko rin, hindi ring malayo na nagka-mild stroke ako that night. This year has been quite awful to me and my family and it seems that it keeps on hitting us, testing our strenghts and courage. Hindi pa nga kami fully recovered with the last major blow, may mga dumadating na naman. Aside from that, this week (and the past months) has been pretty stressful to me. Everything seems to be not going right in my life. Parang anytime ay magbe-break down ako. A lot of thoughts have been running through my mind and I'm having unpleasant dreams. Wala akong maaccomplish. Wala akong magawang tama. It seems like no matter what I do, everything is against me.

Fortunately, after all the tests that were given to me -- ECG, Head CT Scan, urine test, blood test, I was cleared. There was no stroke, no hypertension, no diabetes. Malinis ako. Most likely, it was just muscle strain. But still, we shouldn't dismissed the idea of a stroke. I have to observe myself if there'd be any changes these coming two weeks. Baka mayro'n daw kasing hindi nakita sa CT Scan. Para lang makasiguro.

Sa ngayon, mayro'n pa rin akong muscle pain. Ngayon nga lang nag-surface 'yung sakit. Hindi pa rin normal ang pakiramdam niya compared with my right arm. Nagna-numb pa rin 'yung left thumb ko once in a while.

One thing na nasiguro ko with my first time confinement in a hospital is that I wouldn't want to die in it. Ang lungkot-lungkot niya kahit pa sabihin mo you'd be surrounded by your love ones. The fact that you're there is already a statement of sadness. Mas masarap pa rin sigurong bawian ng buhay sa sarili mong tirahan, sa sarili mong kwarto. Walang kung sinu-sinong nurses at interns (idagdag pa ang Care Giver students) na titingin sa 'yo at mag-uusisa sa kung anuman ang nangyari sa 'yo. Mamamatay ka nang matiwasay. (Assuming that you'd die of a disease, ah.)

Anyway, nagpapasalamat pa rin ako na walang nangyaring masama sa akin. But if it was my time, carry na rin. At least okay rin 'yung may sort of warning of an impending death. May time ka pang magpaalam sa lahat. Huwag naman sana anti-climactic uli na hindi na lang ako magigising one night at mare-realize ng lahat na I have passed on. Ang corny ng ganu'n!