Eulogy For a Love That Will Never Be

Nag-usap kami ni ChatGPT. Tinanong ko siya, “How do you stop loving someone who doesn't love you back?”

Medyo atribida si Chateng. Walang awat. Feeling close sa akin. Sinabi niya nang diretso ang mga bagay na naglalaro na sa isip ko pero hindi pa ko handang harapin. At one point, sinabi pa niyang matalino ako dahil sa detalyeng binigay ko sa kanya. I sensed a tone of condescension pero marunong bang maging condescending ang AI? So I wasn’t offended. Matalino naman talaga ako. Bobo nga lang pagdating sa larangan ng pag-ibig. Pero tulad ng sinabi ko sa isang kaibigan, “Natuturaan ba ang puso kung sino ang dapat mahalin?” The answer to that is… yes. Because love is a choice. Love is a decision. And I chose to fall in love with you. A stupid decision from the very start. Pero nand’yan na ‘yan. Hulog na ako. And the question now is how to pull myself up from the quicksand I created myself.

“Mourn the love that couldn’t happen. Yes, mourn. This is a kind of grief. It’s okay to cry, to feel betrayed by the unfairness of love, to feel the ache of what you wished for but couldn’t have.”

Hindi pa kami tumatagay nitong si Chateng pero sapul na sapul kung bumanat, eh.

Pinanood ko ang interview ni Harlene Bautista sa YouTube tungkol sa separation niya kay Romnick Sarmenta. (Kilala mo ba sila? If you read the “Fan Girl, Fan Boy” post na sinend ko sa ‘yo, you’d know the significance of Romnick in my life.) Every month Harlene would find herself crying. She asked, “’Bakit ganito ang iyak? Para akong namatayan,’ sabi ko sa best friend ko. Sabi niya, ‘Of course, because may loss. Loss of your marriage.’”

I never saw it that way. Usually, ine-equate natin ang salitang mourn kapag namatayan tayo ng mahal sa buhay. But yes, it makes sense. When we are trying to let go of a love, it is also a kind of death. Kapag may break-up or separation, may death of a relationship or marriage. May mga pangarap na nagtatapos. May mga planong hindi na matutupad kailanman. A part of you dies. A part of your soul gets ripped off. It’s an end.

Nang sinabi mong magre-resign ka na rin after ***, pinigilan kita. Sinabi kong it will make me sadder. It will break my heart even further. So you didn’t. I was glad. But I knew it will happen eventually. Kinuwento mo naman sa akin ang plano mo sa buhay. I just didn’t anticipate that it will be sooner. When it finally happened, I knew that the end was coming. And I have been mourning ever since. Kahit pa sinabi mong, “Hindi naman ako mawawala. Sabi ko naman sa ‘yo, tatambay pa ko sa n’yo, di ba?”    

Mayroon tayong dalawang funny Messenger exchanges na pinaalala mong buhay ka pa—

One was when I sent a snippet of Rachel Alejandro’s “Paalam Na” which played on my playlist:

Paalam na, aking mahal

Kay hirap sabihin

Paalam na, aking mahal

Masakit isipin na…

You commented, “Yung kanta di ko alam kung buhay pa ba ko e. Baka susunod nyan, ‘Hindi Kita Malilimutan’.”

I laughed. It seemed like that pero hindi naman pang-patay ang kanta. It is a break-up song. Though di naman tayo nag-break, I was saying goodbye sa kung anong dynamics ang mayroon tayo sa office. Dahil hindi na natin magagawa ang mga bagay na ito outside the office.

Hindi na kita makikita sa office at maririnig na babati nang buong galak ng, “Good morning, direeeeek” which is enough to make the rest of my day. Hindi ka na magtatanong kung mag-o-office ba ko o kung nasaan na ko kahit alam mong coding day at di ako makakaalis nang maaga sa bahay sabay send ng selfie na nasa office ka na. Hindi ka na mag-aaya ng lunch out o magtatanong kung may gusto ba akong ipabili sa labas. Hindi mo na ko sasabihang miss mo ko during the days na wala ako sa office.

You were my happy pill, I told you that. I enjoy myself when I’m with you. Your smile that used to greet me so enthusiastically kept my day going. Just knowing you were there made the mood light, fun, and bearable. Kayá ko sinabi sa gift card na my days at the office won’t be the same without you.

 So, yes, "hindi kita malilimutan."

The other instance was when I told you, “Binalikan ko nga mga convo natin dati. Huhu.”

“Buhay pa ko, ha… Paalala ko lang,” you reminded me.

Of course, you are. But I know that my idea of you… of you and me… will cease to live. Hanggang mga alaala na lang.

Noong isang araw, sinabi ko sa ‘yo, “I had flashes of you today: You wearing your beige jacket entering the room with your lunch, you asking for utensils, you sitting as you eat your fave sinigang salmon, you walking in and out of the room.”

These will be the things I will remember when I think of you… and more.

Remember when I told you about this: “Minsan, lumapit si *** sa ‘kin. Sabi nya, Ba’t tamihik ka, direk? May problema ba?’ Sabi ko, wala naman. ‘Ang tahimik mo, eh.’”

It made me realized how my demeanor was tuwing wala ka sa office.

“Paano pa itong mga susunod na araw? 🙁” you said.

I had bouts of depression nitong mga nakaraang linggo. It comes and goes. Recently, just this week, starting Thursday, I slept for three days and cry in between waking hours. Trying to let go of the feelings I have for you. Nagdadalamhati. Nagluluksa. Nagising na lang ako nitong Linggo na parang wala nang nakadagan sa dibdib ko. I feel fine. Or am I, really? 

It is not an easy process. Walang instant solution. Walang gamot na makakaalis ng sakit, na makapagpapabago ng nararamdaman. If only I were the type of person who buries himself with work or other things when faced with heartaches, it might’ve been easier and productive for me. But I am not. I’m barely functioning during these times. Talking to friends about it helps, but they can only do so much. It is I alone who can save myself from this.

Sabi ng cheesy theme song ko para sa ‘yo bago lumabas ang lahat ng sakit na ito—

Langit ka, lupa ako

Hanggang tanaw na lang ba tayo?

Mahal kita, mahal mo ba ako?

Hanggang pangarap na lang ba ito?

Kaya kong gawin ngunit 'di kayang sabihin

Ang pag-ibig ko sana'y mapansin

Gusto kitang patuloy na mahalin. Pero mahirap para sa akin ang mahalin ka na hindi maghahanap ng kapalit. Kilala ko ang sarili ko. Magsisimula akong mag-demand. Manghihingi ng atensyon mo. Makikiusap sa oras mo. Na hindi mo maibibigay. Kaya masasaktan lang ako. At ayoko nang masaktan. Ayoko nang magmahal at nasasaktan. Ayoko nang magmahal na nasasaktan.

“Ask yourself: Does time with him leave me feeling good — or hollow? Be honest with yourself.”

Itong si Chateng, ayaw maghinay-hinay. Go nang go sa kanyang intrusive yet life-changing questions.

Spending time with you makes me feel good. The time we had with you at your tito’s funeral, though short, made me happy. It wasn’t the best of circumstances, but it was a chance I took to be with you kasi parang ang tagal-tagal na kitang hindi nakakasama. And the longer it takes, the more I feel you slipping away from me. Sinabi mong busy ka kasi at baón sa trabaho, but my weak and questioning heart doesn’t accept it as such. Then it brought me back to reality when we separated—na hanggang doon lang ‘yon. I may want more but I can’t have any more than that.

Ilang beses na rin naman akong nadagukan ng realidad—

During your Davao trip, lagi tayong magkausap. Lagi kang nag-a-update, nagpapadala ng pictures. Made me feel good. Made me feel special. Till I saw your pictures with your girlfriend… 

I decided not to react to the video you sent that night kasi nainis ako. Nag-dalawang-isip ako kung sasama ba kong mag-lunch out with you the next day, but I still did. Marupok ako sa ‘yo that way. Nang mag-update ka pa nga lang na lumanding ka na sa airport, di ko na napigilang sabihan ka na mag-ingat sa biyahe. And I was excited to see you despite of…

May 4, nakita ko ang Stories mo with her. When I asked you kung nasaan ka, you just said, “Nag-Rob Mla ako then balik trabaho.” 

I cried myself to sleep. Nagseselos ako s’ympre pero wala namang akong karapatan. Hindi na ko nag-message then. I also unsent some messages. Which you noticed. Gusto ko nang umiwas at kumalas. 

Alam kong mayroong “siya.” We never talked about her. I didn’t ask about her. Kasi masasaktan lang ako. Pero sa tuwing nakikita ko kayong magkasama, mas nagiging totoo siya. Nasasampal ako ng realidad na hindi magiging tayo. Na hindi pwedeng magkaroon ng tayo.  

The next day, May 5, nabangga ako. Tinanggap ko na lang ang nangyari kasi wala akong lakas na lumaban pa. May laban man ako, I felt so defeated sa maraming bagay. Pero ikaw pa rin ang una kong naisip na lapitan at kapitan. But you were not available. At wala ka rin namang obligasyon to be there with me.

“Reality Check: This is not a ‘maybe someday’ situation. He isn't available. He's not yours to hope for — no matter how sweet or close he is.”

OO NA NGA! SINABI KO NA NGA, DI BA??? MAY GIRLFRIEND NGA!

To help me move on, suggestion ni Chateng na gumawa ng sulat sa ‘yo or journal na di ko ipapabasa sa ‘yo. Just so I can pour my heart out and the feelings I have for you. Nag-volunteer pa nga na siya na raw susulat. Teka, teh! OA ka na. Know your boundaries.

The truth is, one of the reasons why I was asking for a date with you is so I can talk to you. Kaya lang hindi magtugma ang schedule natin.  If we were still at the office, it would’ve been easier to sneak out the way we did when we watched My Love Will Make You Disappear. 

Hindi ko alam kung paano sisimulan ang usap o ano ang lalamanin, pero ang isa sa gusto kong mangyari ay mapaliwanag sa ‘yo ang dahilan kung bakit may mga araw na hindi kita pinapansin o papansinin. Nangyari na nga ang mga ito at alam mo ‘yan. May guilt ako for doing so kasi feeling ko na unfair para sa ‘yo. Hindi naman nga maganda sa pakiramdam kung suddenly ay di ka na pinapansin ng kaibigan mo. Alam ko ‘yan. Pinagdaanan ko ‘yan. At ayokong i-ghost ka. Ayoko ring saktan ka.

I like talking with you. I enjoy our banters. Our meme-sharing moments. But to what extent? How long can I keep it going without hurting? As I’ve said, the pain comes and goes. May mga araw na masaya akong makikipagkulitan sa ‘yo then suddenly, may batong pupukol—

Last week ng March, di ko na tanda ang exact circumstances pero nainis ako sa ‘yo. I was out of the office for days, at di kita mine-message. Hindi ka rin naman nagme-message so quits lang. By the weekend, nakita ko ang live video mo na you were with friends at a resort.

By Monday, I sent you an instruction—Update mo ang birthday ng partners. You obliged to it then sabi mo, nahulog sa pool ang phone mo. I thought, Oh, nasira ang phone niya kaya di siya nagme-message. Akala ko lang, kaya di ka nagme-message kasi di rin naman ako nagme-message. Nakikiramdam kumbaga. Pero wishful thinking lang ‘yon. Natural cause naman pala.

Do you remember though the first thing you said when I came back to the office the next day???

“Direk, bakit di mo ko mine-message? Di mo ba ko nami-miss?”

My heart melted instantly. Hindi ko alam kung napansin mo pero tumalikod ako sa ‘yo para itago ang kilig. I felt my blood rushing through my veins at parang sasabog. I was screaming inside. 

Inulit mo pa when during a group talk: “Di ako kinakausap ni direk. Feeling ko nagtatampo ‘to.”

After that, everything changed. I began having deeper feelings for you.

The next pag-iwas happened no’ng nabangga ako. I was unsending messages here and there. Messages na di mo nababasa kaagad at di ko na hinintay ang sagot. Dahil ayokong mauwi pa sa conversation.

You asked how I was doing after the accident pero next day pa ko sumagot, coldly, “Oks lang ako.” But I wasn’t OK. Gustong-gusto kong magkwento sa ‘yo. Gustong-gusto kong sabihin ang nararamdaman ko, ang pinagdaraanan ko ng panahon na ‘yon. Pero I was acting tough.

Sa group GC na ako nagkwento ng nangyari kasi alam kong mababasa mo rin naman doon. If I were feeling differently though, direkta kong ikukuwento sa ‘yo ang nangyari.

“Di mo na ko pinapansin direk 🙁”

I reacted with a sad emoji. I didn’t know how to response to that. Di ko alam kung paano ipapaliwanag ang sarili ko. And I was feeling guilty for ghosting you that way. Feeling ko na di mo deserve ‘yon.

“Sad”

“Paanong sad?” I sent a broken heart gif because my heart was really breaking that time.

You sent a crying child gif and a somewhat sad/serious picture of you. Na kaiba sa usual smiling pic na pinadala mo. First time kong makita ang gano’ng reaction mo. Nalungkot ako. 

Before that, April 20, kumalas din ako when you said you were finally resigning. I needed time to breathe and accept the situation. The next day—

“Lunch out tayo direk”

“Di mo ba ko mamimiss”

I ignored your messages.

“Di mo ko namimiss direeeek,” you asked again. 

Pero di kita matiis. “Hmph ako ba namimiss mo????”

“Kanina pa nga ko nandito eh”

“Di yan sagot”

“Means namimiss ka syempre kaya maaga nandito”

Today, May 25, you messaged again, “Isnabera ka na direk.” I was so tempted to talk to you, but   I need to take hold of the situation. Hindi ako isnabera. Nagmamatapang lang.

“Kindness from him might feel like a connection, but it can also be misleading. If his behavior makes you feel emotionally close in ways that stir your hope or longing, you might need to create some space.”

I wonder, tama ba ang sinasabi nitong si Chateng? Mali bang mag-isip akong may something beyond friendship between us o sadyang ganyan ka lang sa mga kaibigan mo? Perhaps, di pa nga kita kilala nang lubusan kung hindi ko ma-distinguish ang friendship and romance between us. Pero nang minsang sabihin mong kilang-kilala mo ako, natunugan mo na rin ba ang nararamdaman ko sa 'yo?

Lumapit si *** a few days ago, asking kung may gusto ba ako sa ‘yo. I denied it. Ilang beses na rin niya kong hinuhuli o tini-tease sa ‘yo. It would sometimes feel na parang nang-aasar siya by telling me that you hugged her from behind or that your perfume was sprayed on her neck pillow. Isa sa dahilan kung bakit ko binago ang name mo sa Messenger (bukod sa pagkakaro'n ng nickname sa ‘yo) ay dahil chine-check niya minsan ang conversations ko pag nagpupunta siya sa table ko. Hindi ko ma-gets ang purpose niya, pero hindi rin naman ako aamin ng feelings na mayroon ako sa ‘yo hanggang di ko nasasabi sa ‘yo. Besides, I don’t owe her anything. It is just between you and me.

“Nagka-fling kami,” she said. 

She made me promise not to tell you about it, pero parte ito ng buong kwento ko… ng buong kuwento natin. Di naman siya gaanong nagdetalye at di rin naman ako gaanong nagtanong. Masasaktan lang ako nang husto. Ang sinabi niya lang ay tapos na.

(Yet I heard her asking you kung kailan kayo magkikita nang pauwi na kami from the wake.)

Alam kong hindi naman tayo pero I felt betrayed. Bumalik ang mga pinagdanaan ko sa iba-ibang tao—na ang mga taong ginusto ko, nagkakagusto sa isa't isa. Pero hindi sa akin. Ang experience ko sa isang minahal na pinili ang isang “kaibigang” babae over me kahit di ko naman siya pinapapili. Na pinili ding jowain ang isang kaibigang lalaki over me. Ang dating ginusto na ghinost na lang ako bigla. Ang ex na nangibang bansa at pinagpalit ako sa iba. Ang minahal noong college na kinalimutan na ako bilang kaibigan.

Lalo lang akong nadurog at nawalan ng pag-asa. Talunan sa multiple rounds ng boxing.

It felt like a final nail on the coffin. I was bawling my heart out and was screaming in the car while I was driving home. “Gusto ko lang naman ma-in love at kiligin! Bakit ang daming complications???” I shouted.

Honestly, I don’t know how to be casual with her anymore as of this time. Hindi ko alam ang purpose niya ng pagsasabi. Maybe gusto niya lang na may mapagsabihan. But I can’t be there for her sa pagkakataong ito. If we were in a different situation, I might’ve listened to her. I might’ve comforted her. 

(It’s up to you if you would confront her about what she told me. Pero aling parts ang sasabihin mo? Paano mo sasabihin? This is my story at ayokong kasama siya.) 

Looking at the timeline, halos nitong tatlong buwan lang nangyari ang lahat ng ito. But examining it even further, parang my feelings have been brewing for quite some time now. Kaya ko chine-check ang conversations natin. Paano nga ba nagsimula ang lahat ng ito? Ano ang naging puno’t dulo? Was it during the holidays and our holiday conversations? Did it begin when we started saying "Miss you" to one another? 

Hindi ko ma-pinpoint pero ang alam ko, interview mo pa lang sa Zoom, crush na kita. Di ko lang pinursue gaano kasi may gusto sa ‘yo si ***. Ayokong pag-awayan ka namin. When you agreed to accept the Regular position, that is when I told myself that I want to see where this will go. But you cut it short. You left… me. 

What is next for us? Hindi ko alam ang patutunguhan nito. Hindi ko alam kung paano mo tatanggapin ang bagay na ‘to. Hindi ko alam kung magiging magkaibigan pa ba tayo after this. O kung gusto mo pa ba akong maging kaibigan. And vice versa. 

Hindi ko alam kung ano ba ang gusto kong mangyari after this. Hindi ko alam kung kakayanin ba kitang iwasan na nang tuluyan. Hindi ko alam how to move on from this. 

Gusto pa rin kitang maging kaibigan. I don’t know how long it will take para maging magaan siyang muli sa pakiramdam. But we’ll get there eventually.

You once joked when I asked kung ano ang plano mo (once your Probationary status ends). You answered, “Bumuo ng future with u.” That was March 29, and we’re technically in the future. Is this the future you have in mind? 

I’m sorry. Di ko na kayang mag-pretend na di ako apektado. Di ko rin kayang itago pa ito.

I apologize din sa una kong sinabi—

Loving you was not a stupid decision. Dahil alam ko ang sitwasyon. 

Loving you is not stupidity. Dahil pinasaya mo ako.

Loving you is not a stupid thing to do. Dahil kamahal-mahal ka.  

Talk to you soon. See you soon.