Happened during the Ghost Month of 2022 (July-Aug). This letter was sent on September 4, 2022.
Dearest Dave,
The recent weeks have been tough for me particularly the past one since I felt the world was caving in on me. Been trying to deal with what happened between us, and I’m at a point where my emotions are getting the best of me and my heart just keeps on pounding like a hammer. I know that I’d be better in time, but in the meantime, this has to be dealt with.
A friend advised me to tell you what I was feeling from the moment we met till that fateful day of August 24, a month after we matched on Bumble. Para daw at least alam mo kung ano ang nararamdaman ko. I don’t know when you’d be reading this but it’s here. Any time maisipan mong buksan ang messages ko sa ‘yo. Don’t wanna sound pathetic but here it goes. Bahala na si Batman.
The day we matched on Bumble, medyo na-intimidate ako. Mukha ka kasing masungit at no-nonsense type of guy but the picture of you with your wig on made me think otherwise.
So we talked, and we clicked, right? We respond to each other well at hindi ‘yong usual "isang tanong, isang tanong" kind of thing na halos mauuwi na lang sa wala dahil sa pagka-boring. Halos sumakit na nga ang kamay ko kakagamit ng phone, but I didn’t care. I like talking to you. You wanted to meet kaagad but work sched didn’t allow me until napagkasunduan nating magkita nang Friday.
Kinabahan pa ko kasi I didn’t know how you’d respond once I told you about my condition. May mga na-meet naman akong okay lang sa kanila pero mayroon ding pagkasabi ko pa lang, hindi na ko kakausapin kahit naging maayos naman ang usapan prior to that. I was glad that you were okay with it. But the true test is when you could actually see my condition.
So, ayon na nga. We met. Ang gaan-gaan lang ng feeling ko sa ‘yo. Parang we fit like a glove sa dami ng common at saka sobrang sexually compatible tayo, di ba? May listahan ako sa isip ko ng sana future bf at ang dami mong check.
May stable job, √.
Nagshe-share sa gastos during dates, √. (Though I wouldn't mind kung ako ang gagastos kasi I like you.)
Geographically near sa house, √. Madaling magkita. Madaling sunduin at ihatid. (You live in 10th Avenue.) Malapit ang work location, √. Para in case susunduin sa trabaho, madali lang din. (You work in Quezon Avenue.)
Physically, √ na √! Gwapo! Chest, √. Butt, √. Dick, √. Fits perfectly, anywhere. In short, masarap!
Matalino, √. Masarap at masayang kausap.
You’re 32 so not that young though may 13-yr gap tayo. Naisip ko, ok lang ba sa ‘yo ang age difference natin? Hindi ba mukhang awkward?
Bukod diyan, ang daming pumasok sa isip ko: Gusto mo rin kaya ako the way I do? May patutunguhan ba tayo? Will I be someone na you can be proud of? Na kaya mong ipakilala sa friends mo (or even family)? Kaya ko pa bang ibigay ang the best of me given na I'm not that young anymore, and I've been broken a million times? How long will this last? Kakayanin ko ba kung mauuwi tayo sa wala?
Alam kong I was overthinking kaya iniwasan ko. E-enjoyin ko na lang ang moments natin. Ang pag-iyak mo sa sineng pinanood natin--that was Thor: Love and Thunder. Ang pagsasabi mo ng “Good Morning”; ang pagsasabi ng “I miss you, too” kapag sinabihan kita; ang pangungumusta mo ng araw ko; ang pagsasabi ng “Ingat”; ang pag-aalala sa ‘kin every now and then; ang pagsagot mo sa mga messages ko; at ang pagse-send mo ng selfie of the day whenever I asked for it. Ang tawa mo, ang mga kwento mo, ang pag-roll mo ng mga mata. Ang kiliti mo, ang panggigigil mo sa akin, ang mga halik mo. Ang paghawak mo sa mga kamay ko at ang pagpisil-pisil mo nito.
Ang kalma ko lang kahit may mga worries sa ilang bagay at nakangiti ang puso. Parang lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman ay nawala. Even my stomach which is usually upset was in a good mood. Laging nakikisama. Laging malinis.
Ayokong i-jinx ang mga nangyayari given na Ghost Month. Kaya I tried to be as cool as possible kahit atat na atat na kong tanungin ka kung pwede bang maging tayo. Ang sabi kasi, huwag magsisimula ng kontrata o relasyon sa Ghost Month kasi masisira. So I didn't. I didn't even mention about starting a relationship with you or asked you if you were seeing other people. Basta chill lang. Kahit mga drama sa buhay, iniwasan ko muna. Doon muna tayo sa positive things about us.
Sabi ko, finally, eto na. After so many years of searching and hookups and heartaches, the search is over. I didn’t see the need to talk to other guys anymore. I stopped opening my dating apps. Nakonsensya din ako pag napapatingin sa ibang guys o nakikipagbiruang-landian. Suddenly, the loyal and faithful guy in me eh nag-on. At nasabi ko, may ibubuga pa pala ako. May maibibigay pa. I heard Dua Lipa’s singing “Love Again.”
I never thought that I would find a way out
I never thought I'd hear my heart beat so loud
I can't believe there's something left in my chest anymore
But goddamn, you got me in love again
Finally, sa isip ko, mayro’n na kong mapagyayabang sa lahat ng mga nanakit sa akin. Sa lahat ng mga hindi pumili sa akin. Finally, may mape-flex na ko. May magiging companion na until, maybe, just maybe, the rest of our lives. Masasabi ko nang, dreams really to come true. Akala ko na hindi na mauulit ang natapos na 6-yr relationship with an ex pero mayro’n pa pala.
So many nights, my tears fell harder than rain
Scared I would take my broken heart to the grave
I'd rather die than have to live in a storm like before
But goddamn (goddamn), you got me in love again
One time, sa third date natin, during sex, naluha ko. Biglaan. Out of nowhere. Nagulat nga rin ako. I was just so elated. I felt mutually desired by someone I really like. And someone who likes me, too. The way you say my name while inside of me and looking at me, I felt the desire and like I was longing for a very long time.
It was the kind of sex na very fulfilling. That lasted a week. Na kahit di ako magpalabas, okay lang. Kasi may nilu-look forward na kasunod.
But during the last few days of August, naging unresponsive ka which was so unlikely of you. Inisip ko na lang na busy ka nga talaga at pagod. And you needed some rest. Kahit buksan ang messages ko, di mo magawa. It felt weird. I know ghosting when I see one kasi ilang beses ko nang naranasan to, eh. But I dismissed it. Until I hear it from you na you were really blowing me off, iniwasan kong mag-overthink even though I'm going crazy inside. Even if the pit of my stomach was churning. Anong nangyayari? Bakit ganito?
Then a few days after ignoring me, you apologized and said na may problema ka sa work and sa family. Na you need to deal with them at the same time deal with yourself. Na hindi mo kayang isabay ang dating at unfair na i-consume mo pa ang oras ko. Sabi ko na sasamahan kita but you wouldn't let me. You have to do it alone.
This was so sudden. Hindi ko maintindihan. Naguguluhan ako.
Minsan nasabi ko sa opening year meeting sa office na hindi na ko magwi-wish ng tao kasi di naman binibigay. Bagay na lang kasi pwedeng hingin o bilhin. Suko na ko. Taon-taon na lang, may darating at mananakit. Pero no’ng dumating ka, akala ko na matutupad na ang isang parangarap. Nagkamali ako. Pero saan nga ba ko nagkakamali? Ano nga ba ang mali? Ako nga ba ang mali? Nag-ingat naman ako.
Pilit kong binabalikan ang mga nagawa ko, trying to figure out where I went wrong. May naging kasalanan ba ko? Did I scare you when I dropped by at your house one night and brought you cookies? Was it too much? Was I lovebombing?
Natapos ang Ghost Month no’ng 26th. Kasabay nang pagtatapos natin, Dave. Gusto pa sanang ipaglaban pero ayaw mo kong bigyan ng chance. Wala na kong magagawa kasi wala rin naman tayong naging commitment sa isa’t isa.
Don't you go
It makes no sense
When all your talking supermen
Just take away the time
And get in the way
Ain't it just like rain?
And love, love, love,
Love is only heaven away
Nakuwento mo na meron kang gustong jowain dati kaso di pa ready mag-commit so you let it go. Pero ba’t pagdating sa ‘kin, ikaw na ang hindi ready? Hypothetical question lang dahil, again, wala ka namang obligasyon sa akin. Wala naman tayong naging usapan. I wouldn’t insist naman to have a relationship kung hindi ka pa ready. Nakakalungkot lang na we never got the chance to fully know each other well.
Ang bigat ng feeling. Been feeling depressed. Pag depressed ako, antukin ako. One time, despite having enough sleep, I felt tired paggising ko. Kaya pag-uwi from work, tulog kaagad. Last weekend, nag-breakdown na ko. Naiyak ko lahat nang nasa loob.
Naiisip pa rin kita hanggang ngayon. Naghahanap ng sagot sa mga nangyari. Gustong maintindihan ang mga nangyayari. But it seems futile. Walang binibigay na sagot ang universe sa akin. Looks like I have to deal with it hanggang matapos at maging parte na lang ng nakaraan.
Thank you, Dave, for making me feel special in the three weeks we were together. Sana I made you feel special, too.
I wish you well.
Hindi kita makakalimutan. Huwag mo rin sana akong kalimutan.
Yours,
Jek
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