Good Ole Place/Displaced

My first week in college was a tough one for me. After every class, at night, I'd cry myself to sleep. I found it difficult to adjust since I didn't become friends with anyone that easily. I had wish that I was back in high school where everything was all right. Where everything was safe. I had wanted to be with my friends whom I knew would protect me with the difficulties I was facing then. However, I learned to get along with people and started developing a clique. From then on, college became a happy place.

When I started my masteral class in Ateneo (and my first work a few months after), I felt that I was back in my first day of college. Only this time, I was wishing that I was with college buddies. Back to the time when everything felt good. When everything was familiar and safe. Of course, after a while, I have adapted myself with the new life. So the emptiness during the few week faded.

As of today, I'm at a crossroad. My future seemed unclear. My life looked uncertain. Unsafe.

Whenever I am faced with such dilemma, like any other people, I resort to doing what would made me feel safe or good -- whether it'd be a place or food. During the last couple of months, I had this need in me to collect and watch the TV shows I grew up watching. Somehow, these shows make me feel secure even for a just a while. It brings me back to those days when I look for ward to seeing them every week. After I see them, it was a sure thing that they'd give me a pleasant feeling.

It is my coping mechanism when I need to examine my life and think about the path that I have to take. Before I'd go and take some action, I somehow go back to my past. Even though the past wasn't exactly a bed of roses, you know that it was a safe place to go back to because you managed to get past through it.

I don't know why is my life a big bowl of irony these days. I don't understand why I can't pay my obligations now that I have a job, as oppose to when I was a bum. When I was free, at the end of the month, I somehow get enough money to pay my debt and some extra cash for movies and food. It was more than what I am getting now with my job. I don't know why the job that I thought was a blessing turned out to be the lowest-paying salary of my entire career. Now, I have to decide whether to stay or not since the end of the semester is fast-approaching. If I leave, will there be something good coming for me? If I stay, would I get stuck and be in debt for the rest of my life? What I have right at the moment isn't exactly good but it makes me feel a contributing person to the society. Even though my salary isn't qualified enough to pay for taxes -- which could be good or bad, depending on how you look at it.

Soon, I have to choose the road I need to take. Whatever it may be, may God help me...

Am I making something worthwhile
Out of this place
Am I making something worthwhile
Out of this chase
I am displaced
I am displaced.

(From the song "Displaced" by Azure Ray from Felicity soundtrack)