The War Is On

Just when ceasefire between Lebanon and Israel started, our own war began. Last Sunday, Don & I have reached the highest peak of our disappointment upon learning the most shocking event in the history of our workshop lives -- the script that was asked to be rewritten a week prior to the original date of our shoot was not the one used on the day itself! Our director rewrote the script the way he truly wanted it to be without our knowledge. What's worst is that never did he approach us once during the entire shoot. He didn't apologize or the least inform us that he had to revise the script for so and so reason. He bypassed us as if it wasn't such a big deal.

People who had high concerns for us, of course, felt bad for us. However disappointed, I didn't know how to react properly with such faced situation. I guess, you could say that I felt sorta numb with the entire thing. For one thing, all my defenses were down since I don't have much energy to begin with. I hadn't slept well the night before. All day long, I had this lingering headache that stayed till the shooting ended. Second, there was so much to do that thinking and feeling were out of the question.

"If I were you, I have walked out on it," friends would say. Perhaps that was the best thing to do given that rude behavior that we have received from him. But as I've mentioned, I had a numbing feeling all day long. Besides, walking out would mean having to leave our friends behind during the entire shoot. We couldn't afford to leave Acy, Bibs, and Len because they would have a more difficult time without us. It wasn't the time or the place to think about ourselves. We stayed for our team -- Don, Acy, Bibs, Len, and I, and not for anyone else.

Yesterday, despite the lack of sleep since we arrived at home at around past 1 AM, Monday night, I went to school. I should have rested but I thought that since I will just be giving a quiz, it won't be that hard and tiring. During the quiz, 3 of my students cheated right under my nose! I was seated in front of them. They were doing it as if I wasn't there or as if I didn't notice. After class, I had called their attention to it. I told them, "Di na kayo nahiya sa kin? Nasa harapan n'yo pa man din ako?" I continued, "Sige, kung di kayo nahihiya sa kin, mahiya na lang kayo sa sarili n'yo!" While I was saying those words, I could almost cry. I felt that I was back at the time and place the day before it. The events started to sink in on me now. Our director spat on our faces! We were betrayed! We were stepped on! As if it wasn't enough, we were kicked, as well!

From then on, I decided to do something about it. No more nice guys anymore. We have kept our silence about the issues between us for too long. We can't just sit and wait for him to realize his mistakes.

I have asked Don to write the formal complaint letter addressed to GMA Artist Center while I would do my letter to the director cc to our head facilitator stating our feelings toward the entire production process until the day of the shoot. Prior to that, I have sent our director, cc to our head facilitator, text messages saying that Don & I wouldn't be attending any of the editing sessions. As a decent human being, I felt that informing him is the best thing to do. Besides, I felt that the more we participate, the more he thinks that what he was doing was OK with us. "We don't feel part of this whole endeavor anyway when you blatantly rewrite the whole script under our noses," I said. It wasn't our script anymore. It wasn't our story. What's more was that we requested to not put our names as screen writers on the credits.

Upon learning such, the head facilitator texted me saying, "We'll talk about it later. OK?" But I never received a message or call from him after that. Instead, I got a message from our director a few hours after. "Sorry about that. For awhile there, I just wanted to get done with Kasal kasi mabigat din because of the rift in the group at may ibang projects ako ginagawa. Na bring up ko sa last two meetings regarding the script, di ko lang nasabi din kasi busy din ako." Giving out the I'm-busy-reason was unacceptable to me. Don & I are just a phone call or text away. And since the rest of his group knew about it, why not asked them to tell us? Did he also forget that Acy was there at the last pre-prod meeting -- the night he'd be revising the script? He could've told her about it since he was his Assistant Director. Why was she left out of it? The truth is, he didn't tell us because he knew that what he'd be doing was so damn wrong!

It was a big deal! He had disrespected us not only as the assigned group's writers but as part of the group and paying students of the workshop. He made us feel worthless -- twice! Why the hell did he OK'd the two scripts that we wrote when in fact he didn't like it? Besides, don't we have a say regarding the production? Are we just his mere staff and crew that we need to abide by his rules? Nah-uh! No, siree! In reality, we are the most important students in the workshop since we paid for it and he was just a mere scholar! Has he forgotten that?! We somehow paid for his part on the workshop!

Last night, I started writing him a letter stating all my feelings toward him and the production. I had smoothly written it. Thoughts just came pouring in so easily. Partly, we allowed this to happen because we didn't say a damn thing about it earlier. We kept our silence because of fear. Now that the shooting is over, there is no need to stay mum anymore. We have kept our feelings to ourselves long enough.

Aside from him, I have poured out my feelings of disappointment towards another person in our group. It wasn't about her per se but about the thing that I felt that she should have done -- inform us or ask if we knew about the script revision. I was hurt knowing that she knew about it and did not do anything. I thought she was a friend. But then, instead of somehow getting my point, she lashed out on me saying this and that! I tried explaining to her my side yet she kept on pushing her own disappointments about the group on me. In the end, I had to surrender. I couldn't get through to her and there was no point of arguing with her.

I was forwarding some of the messages I was sending to my friends in the group. I want them to know the steps that I have been taking although I made it clear that I won't drag their names. In the complaint letter, it was my name and Don's who was in it. In the letter to our director, it was I who was the signee. The most unexpected text came in today, "Jheck, ayokong madamay. I don't wanna get involved. I'm sorry. But I'm still your friend. I hope you understand." Because I was half-asleep when I read it, I told her that it was OK. I understand.

But then, I couldn't go back to sleep anymore. That message bothered me -- a lot! I suddenly felt a tweak of pain in my chest. My heart was beating as if I had a needle stuck right to it. It had hurt me a lot. It felt like I was dropped like a hot potato by someone close to me. The thing is, I told her, she need not fight the battle for me or with me. As long as we know that she supports us, that would be enough. The truth is, she didn't even need to say it. We just feel that she'd be standing by our side. However, it was a wrong presumption on my side.

It was that message that made me cry. I swear, it was unexpected. I was very much offended by it. It is so sad that we get support more from friends outside our group instead of within our group. Still, I refuse to believe the saying that "You only know who your friends are in times of crisis." Because I do not believe that she is not a friend, in the first place. Or could I just be in denial? My instincts about people are almost always true and as I think about it, I may be... Nah! I don't wanna think about it at the moment.

War is an ugly battle. No one wins in it. There will always be casualities along the way. It is sickening to think that we are just on our way to it yet bridges have already been burned... Relationships have already been defiled...

P.S.
Don is having an emotional battle of his own. His mom is sick and he couldn't tell his parents about what happened knowing that they'd get hurt by it. His mom sickness might worsened because of it.