Ama, Ina, Kapatid

I'd like to make an apology in advance in case you'd notice some incoherent thoughts in the following post. You'll know why as you read along. . .

We are not an expressive family as much as we'd like to. We seldom articulate our feelings or thoughts to each other. There would be some "bangayan" once in a while but it'd be about some petty things, but the root of some problems are left unsaid. I could think of some reasons behind that but I won't go into that anymore.

However, tonight cannot be describe as the usual scene in our home. Tears were shed, words were spoken, emotions were poured.

It has been four years since my mom went home from Oman. It has been her longest absence since she goes home almost every year. There were already plans of retirement but it didn't push through because dad got laid-off from work months after she left the Philippines. My sister was still pursuing medicine so there was no choice but to continue working abroad. Since then, so many things have happened. Four years is a lot of time to do some catching up.

My biggest worry on this vacation of hers is how to introduce Biboy. I want her to get to know him and little by little, get used to his presence that would eventually lead to coming out. However, it happened sooner than I expected.

I know that it'd be hard for her to accept things the way they are. She's a mother, and most often than not, mothers want the best for their children: their son being gay wouldn't be one of those things.

I introduced Biboy to her yesterday. Biboy sensed a tone of doubt on her voice when she said, "Kaibigan mo?" I brushed it off. Then, she asked me, "Pa'no kayo nagkakilala?" I ignored the question as if I didn't hear it. Suddenly, tension started building up around the house. I confirmed the trepidation when my sister texted me saying that mom was asking dad if I was gay. Soon after, dad sent me a message saying that I should talk to mom and clear things up with her.

I played the scenario on my mind on how things would go over and over again. I was getting chills thinking about it. I felt like going to her room and hugging her. I'd asked her if she'd still love me, she'd say yes, and everything will be alright. I don't like confrontations, especially with her. We both have strong personalities and we would often clash every now and then. Afterwards, I'd hate myself for having a fight with her.

Around 10-ish at night, she came to my room. The moment she asked who was Biboy, I knew that I had to tell her the truth. Kasabay nu'n ay ang pag-iyak. Then, she asked, "Bakit?" How could you answer such a question? How could you explain to someone the reasons behind who you really are? Should there always be a reason behind that? This is why I don't like coming out. With dad, he eventually accepted the fact that I'm gay, without me telling him directly. With my sister, she just blurted out once that she knows what was going on with Biboy and me. From then on, wala nang explanations.

"Jheck, ayoko. . .," were the words the broke my heart into thousand pieces. The look on her face was not disgust but disappointment. It felt like I crushed her heart with my bare hands. The least thing that I'd want to do is disappoint her. Basically, that is why I wanted to avoid the situation as much as I can. I couldn't bear seeing her cry in pain and sorrow. I love her so much and I don't want hurt her this way.

This is inevitable, though. I'd rather want her to know than keep secrets from her. But everytime I see the look that she gave me, napapatulala na lang ako, napapaluha. Apart from hurting her, it pains me to know how she thinks about gay relationships. She is conventional and I am clueless as to how I could make her see or accept things the way they are. Dad told me in his message that I should be open-minded about this, but it is I who wants them to keep an open mind to whoever I am at this point in my life.

I know that my mom is bleeding. If only I know how to make it stop, I would. I stabbed her twice: first, with my admission, and second, with the fact that I have a bf. "Di ka na ba magbabago?" she cried. I told her no. This is who I am.

"Ikaw lang naman ang iniisip ko? Pa'no ka na 'pag wala na ko? Sinong mag-aalaga sa 'yo?"

I wanted to tell her that Biboy will be with me but I didn't. Ayoko nang dagdagan pa 'yung sakit na nararamdam niya. Family concerns came up. Frustrations were vented out. She blames herself for every single "mistake" that had happened in our lives. Tuloy-tuloy lang ang pagputok ng baril. Sunod-sunod na hindi mo na alam kung alin ang pagtutuunan mo ng pansin. Clearly, so many skeletons came out of the closet, not just mine.

When she left my room, dad came in. Sana raw medyo nagdahan-dahan ako. But I know that whatever I do, however I do it, she'd still react in the same way. There's no easy way to break someone's heart. My dad, for the first time, told me that he supports whatever I want in my life. "Di kita pakikialaman. Buhay mo 'yan." Intindihin ko na lang daw si Mommy since it'll take time before she could accept things, the way it took him time to do such. Further, he knows how good Biboy is to me and he, too, wants her to get to know to him.

Afterwards, my sister, na maga ang mata sa pag-iyak, hugged me. Napaiyak na rin ako ng husto. She declared how much she loves me and that she is happy for me.

Following the tearful emotions was a deafening silence. Each one was calculating his next move. Each one was assessing how things would go after the emotional event.

As of now, all I could is pray. Kahit hindi na muna tanggapin ni Mommy ang pagkatao ko. What I want is for her not to blame herself sa mga nangyari. We all have our faults. We can't do anything about the lost time but we could do something about the present and the future. Almost three weeks pa before she goes back to Oman. I hope that by then, wala na siyang masyadong iniindang sama ng loob. Di ko kakayananin if, God forbids, something bad happens to her abroad.

Kahit pa'no, I'm relieved that everything is out in the open. Di na kailangang magkunwari. Wala nang dapat itago.

Rustom's line in PBB came out of my mouth several times, "Hindi ako masamang tao," because they have to understand and know we are not living in sin.

I love you, mom! I'm still your son and would not ceased to be. . .

Multo Ng Nakaraan

Kay tagal na noon itay bakit ayaw pang kalimutan?
Hindi naman masama ang aking kinalabasan
Kahit papaano ako’y may narating
Kahit na hindi ang pinangarap mo para sa akin

Hindi naman maaaring ako’y sunud-sunuran lamang
At parati na lang tatanghod sa inyo

Kahit ang puso ko ba’y pipigilan?
Ang pagdurusa ko ay inyo ba’ng kaligayahan?

Paki-buksan ninyo ang puso niyo
Kahit kaunting siwang, pasilipin ako
Nag-iisang anak na sa iyo’y nagmamahal
Ang araw na ito’y matagal ko nang pinagdarasal

Paki-buksan ninyo ang puso niyo
(Paki-buksan ninyo ang puso)
Tanggapin ng buo ang pagkatao ko
(Tanggapin nang buo ang pagkatao ko)
Ang pagkakataon huwag palalampasin
Ang araw na ito’y matagal ko nang pinagdarasal
Ang multo ng nakaraan ay atin nang kalimutan

Dugo man ang iluha ko’y walang magbabago
Kailanman di niya matatanggap ang kagandahan ko

Anong ba’ng naisip ko at ngayon pa ako umasa?

Dahil kahit nung siya’y nabubuhay pa…
Malamig na ang puso niya...