Call this post "argumentative." I don't care. This is my blog, and I have the right the say what I feel.
Ever since the storm has started, you have asked me several times for my thoughts, yet I couldn't for I was too dumbfounded to realize what was happening back then. I was blindsided. What must one feel when he was struck at the back by the person he trusted the most? What must one say when his world is starting to crumble down even before he comprehends the situation? You, too, would be stupid enough to react. And when I am already at the my proper state of mind to say something, you dissed me off, as if saying what I say doesn't matter. However, it actually doesn't matter anymore. You made your decision, and I just have to live by it. But then, whether it matters or not, I'll still express myself for it'd be the only way I can end this properly. It is the only way that I can say my piece and be at peace with myself. Because that's what matters the most, being at peace with yourself. At peace dahil wala kang tinatapakang ibang tao. At peace dahil wala kang iniwang sugatan. At peace because you have the decency na magpakatao at ituring ang kapwa mo bilang tao.
When you started your so-called confusion, idinamay mo ko. Ginulo mo ang mundo ko. You have left me clueless while you were figuring things out for yourself. (Note of wisdom: When a partner tells you he's confused, trust me, it's the end of the relationship!) Ako naman si tanga na napaniwala mo (as always) na confused ka ngang talaga. You wanted to believe that you were in such a state when from the beginning, you weren't. You just didn't have the balls then to lay your cards down in front of me. You made believe that you still love me o ayaw mo akong saktan. Well, guess what! Ang tunay na nagmamahal ay di nananakit. Kaya nga napapaisip ako if you have truly loved me gayong ilang ulit mo akong sinaktan in the six years we've been together. At kahit noong natapos na tayo ay patuloy ka pa rin sa pananakit. Ang hiniling ko lang noon ay ibigay mo ng isang bagsakan ng matapos na ang paghihirap ko subalit sadista ka. Inunti-unti mo ako hanggang sa wala na akong lakas para lumaban pa sa 'yo. That's why I'd rather not care for you than hate you. Because hating you would be such an effort on my part. I don't have the strength anymore to do so. Pagod na pagod na ko. I'd rather get you completely out of my system than feel something for you.
You said that you never got tired of taking care of me, yet you say that you want someone "independent." Isn't that a contradiction? Were we ever in a parasitic relationship? I thought that we were in a giving-and-taking one, silly me. Pero sino ba sa 'tin ang hindi nakatiis ng walang karelasyon sa malayo? Sino ba sa 'tin ang nakipagrelasyon sa unang taong nagpakita sa kanya ng motibo? At sino sa 'tin ang nagtiis at nagpilit umunawa sa mga pagkakamaling ginawa niya sa isa?
Hindi ba ikaw ang kumapit sa akin? Dahil sa mga panahong sa tingin mo ay walang nagmamahal sa 'yo, ako ang umaalalay sa 'yo. Sa mga panahong walang nagtitiwala sa 'yo, ako ang naniniwala sa 'yo. The truth is, you have held on to me until such a time you can find another one to hold onto.
Hindi ako nanunumbat. I just want to state some points. Para malinaw lahat in case you are still "confused."
A friend asked me why did I stay in the relationship despite your several sexcapades. I told him that I was in love with you. Because that was how I was with you -- I have loved you completely, faults and all. Despite the several times you humiliated me in so many ways, nagtiis ako. Despite the several times you fooled around with someone, I remained faithful and loyal. Understanding every bit of you. In our relationship, you have managed to made me feel me the most loved person in the world, yet made me feel shit at the same time. How cruel can you be? Minaliit mo ako hanggang sa huling pagkakataon. Dahil hanggang sa ating paghihiwalay, you didn't think that I could handle the truth.
Nagmakaawa ka noon na 'wag kitang iwan for I am the only you got, and I stayed with you. Not because naawa ako sa 'yo, but because I have loved you. No one has ever learned your misgivings for I didn't want my friends or family to think less of you. Dinala kong mag-isa ang sakit, believing that we could surpass such trials. But you were too weak even from the beginning to trust our relationship; too fragile to fight the demons inside of you.
You said that you didn't love me anymore. OK, I accept it. That was the last straw for me. It sure hurts like hell, but there was a like a burden lifted off my chest. 'Twas like I was freed from a chain. Sure, para sa akin din ang ginawa mong pakikipaghiwalay. But please, don't ever say that you did it for me. You did it for yourself. Huwag na tayong magplastikan at maglokohan pa. We have passed that stage.
During the course of our relationship, I have lost you several times. Pero hindi ka naman talaga naligaw. Naghahanap ka talaga ng ibang daan. When you left for New Zealand, you knew that you have found your way. And there's no turning back.
You asked me if I want you to be happy. I can't say it then, but I can tell you now. Sure, be happy. Be truly happy for you have found your place.
I, too, have started to dream anew. I, too, have started to become excited for the things to come. I, too, am looking forward to going in a new direction. I, too, don't seem to see a life with you anymore.
Ang mahirap lang ngayon ay kung pa'no ipaliliwanag kay Angel ang di mo pagtupad sa mga pangakong binitiwan mo sa kanya. She'd tell me at times that she's excited for your return; that you'd take us to where you are; that we'd live together. It breaks my heart knowing that I have to break her heart, as well. But I know that she'd get over it, the way I did. Children are more resilient than adults.
Sayang nga lang at you'd never get continue having her as a daughter. You'd never get to know her further. 'Wag mo na sanang paniwalain pa siya/kami na kaya mo siyang panindigan para wala nang masaktan pa. When you have given up on us, inisip mo sanang pati siya ay maaring mawala sa 'yo.
Tulad ng sabi sa kantang "I Will Survive," akala ko ay hindi ko kayang mawala ka. Sa una lang pala 'yun. In the end, I'll have the strength to really let go and move forward. If it means completely cutting you off of my life and everything associated with you, I'd do so just so I could have the peace I rightfully deserve.
Yes, six years was a long time para basta-basta na lang talikuran ang lahat. Pero kung nakaya mong ibasura ang matagal na panahon na 'yun, I should do it, as well. Mahal ko pa rin naman ang sarili ko para patuloy na magpakatanga sa 'yo. The pains I went through with you is too much for one heart to handle. And I don't wanna suffer anymore.
Tulad nga ng status ko sa Facebook, "If love is a decision, so does happiness." I decide to stop loving you so I can be happy.
Goodbye.
