Pretend No More

Ever since I officially came out to my family, I felt a huge burden has been lifted on my shoulders, despite the drama that surrounded it. With that, I felt that there's no need to pretend anymore. Take me as I am ang drama ko. However, wala rin namang need sa 'kin na i-broadcast ang buhay ko sa mga taong kilala ko. I owe them nothing. What's important is the support and acceptance of my family, secondary na lang 'yung iba. Although s'yempre, what happened was that I first came out to my closest friends almost 10 years ago. My life would've been different if it was otherwise, though.

I couldn't say that my mom has accepted "me" already. After our conversation last week, she ignored me completely for two days. It was such a painful experience because mom it has never happened before. Kahit nagkakabanggaan kami, usually, it would be her who'd come to me and apologize. Hindi niya ako inaayang sumama sa kanila. Hindi niya ako inaayang kumain. Bahala ka sa buhay mo ang pahiwatig n'ya sa 'kin. I was so hurt that everytime I think about it, I'd cry.
Last Thursday, as I was about to leave the house, I left her a letter. I poured out my feelings to her. I told her how hurt I was that she was angry at me not because of what I did but because of who I am. Then I apologized for hurting her so badly.

Going to Megamall, I received a text message from her saying sorry for what had happened, as well. Masakit pa rin sa kanya at hindi pa rin niya matanggap. But she wants us to move past the hurt and look into the future.

Jusme, mangiyak-ngiyak ako while walking towards Megamall. I didn't have much energy then because I left the house without having any lunch (kahit breakfast wala, tubig lang ang laman ng tiyan ko). Past 4 na when I reached Mega. Eat ako sa Jollibee. Sa table, sobra ako naluha. If I could just cry out loud, I would've. Medyo humihikbi-hikbi na nga ako. Ang problema, I didn't know why I was crying: was it tears of joy that finally, may linaw ang pag-aayos namin ni Mommy or was it still tears of a broken heart? Ayoko pa namang umiiyak na di ko alam ang dahilan. Kapag ganu'n kasi, hindi ko masyadong feel ang pag-iyak. Anyway, after that, okay na. I went home at past 11, I think, and just hugged my mom. She apologized once again.

I don't know what level of acceptance is my mom at so far, or if there's already an acceptance in her heart to begin with. But I'm optimistic. At least it's out there, ala X-Files. Nakuha pa nga niyang magbiro na makakabili raw siya ng formal dress uli kapag kinasal na ko.

At this moment, I don't want to push things further. Hindi ko muna pinapunta si Biboy rito as much as I'd want her to get to know him. Gusto pa nga ni Biboy na i-treat kami sa dinner just so he could prove himself to her. But I told him not yet. We should give her enough time to absorb everything.

Aside from my family, it seems like na naikalat na rin ni Daddy ang istorya ng buhay ko sa mga relatives namin, on his side. He's close to his siblings and they talk about everything, so I expected na ikukuwento niya rin sa kanila. Hindi ko lang in-expect that it'd be this soon. My tita called tonight at ako ang nakasagot. She was reminding us about her birthday celebration on Saturday. "Dalhin mo rin ang friend mo," dagdag niya. S'ympre medyo naloka ako run pero ang sagot ko na lang ay di pa pwede. Jusko, di ko carry toh! I just wish that there'd be no interview portions on Saturday. One thing I hate about coming out like this is answering the whens, the whys, and the hows. Kung may duda na kayo before sa 'kin, ganu'n na lang 'yun. Mag-"sabi ko na nga ba" na lang kayo hanggang gusto n'yo. Pero 'la ng tanong-tanong pa.

;)