Withdrawal

Last week, my PC died on me. For a few times, it would suddenly turned itself off after a few minutes of being on until it doesn't turn on anymore. I refused to think that the power supply might be busted for it was just replaced a few months back. But when I had it checked, it seemed that the new power supply had given up, as well. It stayed at the repair shop for observation. Aside from the broken CPU fan, nagha-hang din daw siya.

While at the "hospital," I felt upset. Parang baby ko na ang PC ko, and whenever it exhibits some faulty behavior, nabo-bother ako. Parang isang anak, hindi ako mapakali until I know that it's doing OK. Bukod pa sa worries about sa magiging expenses, I just can't function well without it. May laptop ako, but nothing beats my PC. I do most of my work with it particularly blogging. Dami na naming napagdaanan. Marami na kaming ginawa together. Marami na kaming sikretong binahagi sa isa't-isa. Tumawa at umiyak na kaming magkasama.

For the past 6 years, everytime na magkaka-problema ang baby ko, si ex ang lagi kong takbuhan. Siya ang pinabubuhusan ko ng worries ko especially 'pag may mga nakatenggang orders. Having a computer background, the ex would stay all night just to fix the problem, without having to resort to changing any parts. Lumang PC pa ang gamit ko n'ung magkakilala kami. Ilang beses na siyang pumalya, but the ex had managed to revived it again and again. Pero s'yempre dumating din 'yung time na na niya kinaya ang hirap dala ng katandaan. Naawa na rin ako sa kanya so I decided to retire it, and buy myself a new baby in 2006. Mas bongga! Mas hi-tech! With matching LCD screen. Until now siya pa rin ang gamit ko.

One of my worries when the ex left was how would I handle it kapag tinopak ang baby ko. I was able to handle the problems myself, but somehow telling the ex about it was my way of coping with it. Alam ko namang wala na siya rito para ayusin ang problema, but the mere act of telling him gives me a sigh of relief. Alam naman niya kasi kung gaano ako nag-wo-worry everytime it happens, at marinig ko lang na sabihin niya noong nandito pa siya na he will look into it makes me feel better.

Last week I was having some withdrawal symptoms. Feeling upset, I was having the itch to contact the ex, and tell him about the condition of my baby. Its motherboard needed replacing. Nag-give up na nang tuluyan dahil ilang beses ding nag-exhibit siya ng motherboard defect signs before. But I stopped myself. What for? What would I say, anyway? Magmumukha na naman akong needy sa paningin niya. So instead of running to the ex, I sucked it up and accepted the situations: one, my baby needed surgery, and it has to be done or risk losing it completely, and; second, I can't run to the ex anymore when problems like these occur. For one thing, he can't help me anymore, and he had stopped caring a long time ago.

So ayun, new motherboard, CPU fan, and power supply (buti na lang at umabot 'to sa 6-month warranty!) for my baby. By Saturday it was home! Malaki ang nagastos s'ympre, but all for the love of it!

Welcome back, baby!

Speaking of withdrawal, yesterday naman, Angel was crying. She wanted to go with Daddy, but he refused. So umiyak, feeling iniwan. Whenever she feels like she is being left out, she'd cry about the ex, wishing that he was with us. Siguro naaalala niya rin 'yung mga times na kino-comfort siya ni ex 'pag umiiyak siya.

She cried and cried, talking how she missed him and can't wait for the day that he'd be with us. I'd naturally told her that it would never happen, but she insisted. Nagsisinungaling daw ako. Nag-promise daw kasi si ex at tutuparin niya 'yun. Sinabi ko na he might've promised it, pero di niya 'yun gagawin talaga. He will come back pero di na namin siya makakasama.

"Saan siya pupunta?" Angel cried.

"Sa kanila ni mama niya," I told her.

Angel continued to cry. There was a point nga na tinitigan niya ko nang masama, feeling that I was lying to her.

"Ba't mo ba sinasabi 'yan? Kapamilya na natin siya, di ba?"

"Dati 'yun, pero hindi na ngayon,"I said.

Umiyak pa rin siya. I felt that she was getting confused with what I was telling her. I sensed na nahihirapan siyang paniwalaan 'yun. Yet in my heart, I can't fully explain it to her. Pa'no ko nga ba sasabihing nasa kandungan na ng iba si ex? At kung magkagan'un man, pa'no ko ipapaliwanag ang koneksyon niyon sa kanya, without completely disclosing what the true nature of my relationship was with the ex? Naku, hindi pa 'ata ako handang magpaliwanag ng mga gan'yang bagay, kahit hindi ko naman nililihim sa kanya ang totoo.

"Mahal ka n'un. Babalik pa 'yun."

"Hindi na niya ako mahal. Hindi na babalik 'yun."

"Hindi totoo 'yan!" she said, almost screaming.

"Itanong mo pa sa kanya."

"Mahal ako nu'n. Siya rin naman ang nagpalaki sa 'kin."

Jusme. At that time hindi ko na alam ang sasabihin sa kanya. Of course, wala siyang kinalaman sa kung anuman ang nangyari sa 'min ni ex, pero kailangan niyang malaman na things wouldn't go back to what they were before. Hindi na titira sa 'min si ex pagbalik niya. I wouldn't even count on us being in the same room together as a family like before.

I hugged her, and asked her to stop crying. Sabi ko magsuklay na siya ng buhok since she just took a bath.

She got up, brushed her hair, and left my room. I think she continued to pour out her feelings to Ginger. Medyo naririnig-rinig ko nang bahagya ang pagbanggit niya sa pangalan ni ex.

After a few minutes, she came back. Kalmado na siya. She came to me and said, "Sige na nga. Di ko na iiyakan si Kuya Biboy. Pero kilitiin mo muna ko!"

Ayun, natigil na siya. May mga times kasi na papasok lang 'yun ng kwarto ko para magpakiliti. Parang pang-relax niya sa buhay.

"Siguro gan'un talaga 'pag nagkaru'n siya ng bagong anak. Makakalimutan na niya ko," pahuling sabi ni Angel bago ko siya kilitiin.

That's it! Natigil na rin ang loka-lokahan moments namin.

Prayers for Family & Friends

Prayer for Inner Healing

Speak clearly, Lord, into my heart.
In the past, I had been busy with life and I forgot what it meant to really life
In the midst of my pains and difficulties, allow me to know You
so that I may understand what living for You is all about.

I am weak, Lord,and helpless without you.
I surrender to You, Lord, all my fears, all my burdens.
I will focus on Your truth that you will be with me always.
I will never understand Your wars
but I know that You have a purpose for me.

Lord, as I continue this prayer, gently touch me with your healing hands.
You are the Divine Healer and the greatest Physician of all.
I believe in my heart that nothing is impossible to You.
Heal my most innermost being, my spirit, and my soul.

I know, Lord, that there is an end to my loneliness and sickness
because You died on the cross and rose from the dead.
From now on I just want to live with a loving heart
and not with grumbling heart,
from now on, Lord, I just want to live with a faithful heart
and not with a fearful heart.
In the mighty name of Jesus,
Amen.


***

Prayer in Time of Depression

Dear Lord, You are the one who created me
and You are the one who has provided for my salvation and for my spiritual growth.
I firmly believe that You are the great God who loves me very much
and that You know where I am going and what is good for me.
I humbly beseech You now, dear Lord, because I am confused,
struggling with hurting pain.
I am afraid and discouraged.
I feel lost and very depressed.
Let me feel Your loving care and compassion.
Let me feel Your sense of purpose and understand what You have planned for me
in this crisis that I am now undergoing.

Lord, You are my refuge, my hope, and my stronghold
in this very difficult time of my life.
I lean on and confidently put my trust in You.
For I know that You will not forsake me.
I pray that You will let time heal this wound
and I will become a better person because of Your work in me in this crisis.
Amen.


***

Prayer for Those Who Suffer

For those who suffer,
and those who cry this night,
give them repose, Lord;
a pause in their burdens.
Let there be minutes
where they experience peace,
not of man but of angels.
Love them, Lord, when others cannot.
Hold them, Lord, when we fail with human arms.
Hear their prayers and give them the ability to hear you back
in whatever language they best understand.
Amen.


***

Prayers for Protection

For Oneself

Lord God, Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
I come before You in the name of the Lord Jesus.
I ask that I may have the powerful protection that comes from
the Precious Blood of Your Son
that was poured out for me on the cross at Calvary.
In the name of your Son, the Lord Jesus,
I ask that you send angels to protect and defend me
from any attack of the enemy
and to defend all the members of my family, my friends, and my loved ones.
Protect and bless everyone who has asked me to pray for them.
Give me the grace to hear Your voice
and the courage to walk in Your ways.
I ask this in the name of the Jesus Christ,
who will come again in the fullness of His glory.
To Him be glory and praise,
now and forever.
Amen.


For Another

Father in heaven,
I lift up (Name) to you in the name of Your Son the Lord Jesus.
In Jesus' name I ask You to release warrior angles
to drive away from him/her/them any evil spirits that may be harassing,
controlling, attacking, or deceiving him/her/them.

Let you servant (Name) enjoy the powerful protection
that comes from the Precious Blood of Your Son, Jesus Christ,
which was shed for him/her/them on Calvary.
Let him/her/them hear Your voice
and always walk in Your ways.
Amen.


***

Prayer for Serenity

God grant me serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know difference.

Living one day at a time
enjoying one moment at a time,
accepting hardship as a pathway to peace!

Taking, as Jesus did,
this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it.

Trusting that You will make all things right
if I surrender to Your will,
so that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.


***

Prayer for Strength

Lord, enlighten what is dark in me;
strengthen what is weak in me;
mend what is broken in me;
bind what is bruised in me;
heal what is sick in me;
straighten whatever is crooked
and revive whenever peace and love have dies in me.
Amen.

Mother, Where's My Big Book of Penis?!

This is such a funny review of the book above. I can't stop laughing while reading it!

"Oh dear. I am a 70 year old woman and I just happened across this big penis book in my son's room. My son is 45 years old and still single. I think he might be gay. That said, his big penis book is now in my room under my bed. So now my 45 year old single son is probably gay and angry. Well, he should get a job anyway or at least go find some real penis and stop reading about them in books like this. Good Lord this is a big penis book. And I love a big penis. And so does my son, apparently. I give this book ten thumbs up. I can't believe I never knew he was gay. He should get a job. Maybe as a dancer. Anyway, if you like a big penis, you will like this big penis book. Lord there are big penis's in this book. I mean big. Oh dear."

P.S. I don't own the book personally, thank you very much! :p

Bold But Not Daring

Speaking of crossing over, Dinig Sana Kita is one indie film that has crossed-over the mainstream cinema in terms of how its storytelling goes.

As far as mainstream Pinoy cinema is concern, there is nothing commercial about the two leads: a rocker chick and a deaf dancer dude. Kapag pinitch sila sa mga major studios, di sila bebenta for such characters are from the other end of the spectrum. Kokonti ang makaka-relate, ang sasabihin sa 'yo ng mga bosses. 'Pag nagkaganu'n, potential flop na siya kaagad.

Buti na lang at may Cinemalaya who saw the potential in these characters. Di man sila commercial, for sure, mamahalin naman sila ng audience sila.

Just knowing how different the leads are, makakaisip ka na ng maraming scenarios para sa kanila. How would a rocker chick, who is so exposed to the noise, deal with a deaf dude and a dancer at that? Could music be enough to bond them together, even if one can hear and the other can't? How can they communicate with each other when one blocks herself through noise while the other lives in silence? If ever they surpass the physical barriers, how will they work with the scrutinizing eyes of the society?

There are so many possibilities on how the story could go with such distinct characters. However, instead of going boldly, Dinig Sana Kita preferred to go the conventional way-- a typical family drama. Instead of dealing with the characters' physical differences and inner struggles, it went externally -- having an uncommunicative family and the lack thereof.

Nina (Zoe Sandejas) meets Kiko (Romalito Mallari) in Baguio where she is sent off to camp with other hearing and non-hearing teens to bond with them and eventually realize her mistakes in the past and be a changed person with the experience. She is a problem child and her parents can't deal with her anymore. Kiko, on the other hand, is an abandoned child, who reaches out to her. He longs to be with his mother whom he sees everyday in a neighboring house in a community where he moved. Friendship blossoms between them as they realized that there are more common things between them than there are differences.

I didn't like how the movie resolved the physical differences between the two leads. One would expect that Nina will learn sign language to communicate well with Kiko, but she didn't. She became deaf herself because of how she badly she exposed her ears to noise. It was only then that her father had stopped yelling at her and learned to listen to her needs. I don't get why the filmmakers had to resort to such extreme to get their point across when there are alternatives to it. Ayokong isipin na ang statement lang nila about it is take care of one's ears.

As far as Kiko is concerned, whom I believe is a much interesting character, he is reunited with his mother in the end, whom he learns was a dancer in her younger years, as well. No drama. No explanations about the past. Parang enough na pinagbuklod sila ng dancing.

While there is magic written all over the film, it was lackluster. The direction it wanted to take was clear, a romantic drama meant for kiligs. No pretentions na magpaka-deep o tunay na buksan ang mga mata ng audience sa plight ng mga kapatid nating hindi nakakarinig. Having a handicap myself, I could relate. But what about the rest of the audience? Yes, it is just right to treat them as equals, but we can't deny that they have special needs to be attended to. 'Yun ang dapat iparating sa audience. That we are alike and different at the same time. Pero 'yun nga. It seems that the movie has no desire to delve into it.

Nakakahinayang nga lang because there was so much going for it storywise. Instead of taking the high road, it took the common route. It could've been a great romantic drama if it was daring enough to go to uncharted territories. However, it sure is refreshing to watch different set of characters falling in love on film! Hindi lang ang major studios ang nakakagawa ng leads whom we can relate to and fall in love with.

Crossing Over

Francis Cruz, a film critic, in his tribute post to Alexis Tioseco, mentioned how Alexis had once teased him about crossing over to the other side -- i.e. filmmaking. He continued that once a critic had crossed-over, he may never be objective anymore in his film analysis. He would developed sympathy to the filmmakers for he would know the painstaking ways on how to create a film. Of course, that would be bad. Critics should always be objective, and should never be inclined to put his biases in his work. Since we are human and prone to judgment error, biases do happen at times.

Anyway, I have crossed-over ever since I started my workshop in GMA and moved on to Star Cinema. That was why, if you have noticed, naging madalang 'yung pag-review ko ng Pinoy movies the past few years. Naging malambot na kasi ako sa pagtira, if I may say so.

Una, I didn't want to offend anyone from the workplace. Nag-alala nga ako nu'ng biharin ko ang Moments of Love before my GMA stint and learned that one of our mentors in the workshop was the writer of the film. Ayoko namang mabansagang nagmamarunong. (Sa mga fans pa nga lang, nagkaru'n na ng uproar sa post ko na 'yun! Kaya I felt the need to write another post.) Second, you get to learn how a film was made and gets to know what happened along the way. Minsan kapag nalaman mo kung saan nagkamali ang filmmakers, you tend to be forgiving and understanding. Third, you get to be friends with the people involved in the film. Once it happens, wala nang taluhan kung minsan. Kung hindi mo nagustuhan ang ginawa ng isang kaibigan, quiet ka na lang. O kaya ay 'wag mo na lang isulat.

One reason why I was in limbo the past few months was that, in my mind, I was still trying to understand what he did and why he did it. I was rationalizing for his behaviors, even during through the course of our relationship. Gets ko siya, I'd tell myself. But from an outsider's point of view, they'd tell me na niloko niya ko, and I really had to let go. Sa isip ko pangloloko ngang maituturing ang nangyari, but I still get to justify it. Kasi ito ang need niya. Kasi ito ang dapat niyang punan.

Kakahanap ko ng excuse sa nangyari, I have overlooked what I was doing to myself. Kakabigay ko pala ng dahilan sa kanya, sarili ko lang ang sinaktan ko, ang pinabayaan ko.

Joseph Estrada, in his Probe Profiles interview, was asked by Che-che Lazaro if his wife, Loi, ever gets hurt with his philandering ways. He answered, "Kaya nga ako nag-asawa ng psychologist, eh. Para maintindihan ako." That was me. No doubt about it.

However, no matter what the circumstances are, the end does not justify the means. Sa paggawa ng pelikula o kung ano mang trabaho, it doesn't matter what the makers went through in making it. What matters is the by-product. Pulido ba? Maayos ba? Worthy bang parangalang? Sa pag-critic, one should always bear that in mind. It is the work that matters and not the process. A critic is not interested in the drama behind it (as what Rajo Laurel always say in Project Runway Philippines when contestants start to make excuses for their bad designs).

In relationships ang pangloloko ay pangloloko. Walang dahilan na pwedeng mag-justify sa pananakit ng iba. Whether the other party is to be blame for the decline of the relationship, the moral thing to do is end the relationship immediately.

Just like in Alexis's and his gf's death, the criminals had no excuse to do so, kahit pa sabihing gipit na gipit sila. Kapit sa patalim, 'ika nga. Di pa ba sapat na ninakawan na nila sila? (Although may theory na baka may kinalaman ito sa pagiging kritiko ni Alexis, lalo na sa recent National Artist scandal.)

In life there are things that should always be seen in black and white, no grays in between. 'Pag maganda, maganda! 'Pag pangit, pangit! No excuses. If one can't be objective about it, he should excuse himself then from making judgments.

Goodbye Before Hello

I woke up with the news that film critic Alexis Tioseco died. I was shocked, of course, and had to know what happened to him. According to news report, he and his girl friend were murdered by three gunmen who were robbing their house. The robbers were already inside the house when they arrived. It was an inside job. Their newly-hired house help was with the robbers.

I don't know Alexis personally. Napapanood ko lang siya nu'ng nag-re-review siya ng movies sa Review Night sa Cinema One a few years back. Then I saw him again on cable in ANC's Media In Focus a few weeks ago talking about the recent Cinemalaya festival. Somehow, I feel some sort of affiliation with him since we're both movie critics. (Hindi nga lang ako professional critic like he was.) Kahit hindi kami magkakilala, I feel a connection just because we both love movies. It is the same connection I have with fellow Sharonians or Madonna fans. Kapag nagkakilala kayo, may instant bonding na, 'ika nga. Nasa isang circle kasi kayo. So I can't help feel saddened by the news. (Just like the way I felt when I learned that Wanggo Gallaga, whom I also know through Review Night, is sick. But of course, this case is different.) Hindi ko pa man siya nakikilala nang personal, nawala na siya. I was hoping to meet him pa naman. (O sige na nga! Crush ko siya, kaya ganu'n! Pati si Wanggo! :D)

Murder is not the way to go! Nakakalungkot talaga at nakapanggigigil at the same time! It was a case of coming home at a wrong time. Napaisip nga ako na what if na-delay sila ng kaunti sa pag-uwi. What if they stopped for gas muna? What if they had coffee muna? O nasiraan kaya? Maaga-aga pa rin naman nu'n kung tutuusin. Or hadn't left the house at all?

Bakit ba ganu'n na lang kadali sa iba na kumitil ng buhay ng tao? It is one thing to take their possessions and another to take their lives, as well. Ganu'n na ba kaliit ang halaga ng buhay ng tao?


Photo taken from Reenshi's Flickr account
See his works:
Atioseco's Photostream
CritiCine
Read more write-ups about him by fellow critics:
Noel Vera
Francis Cruz

A Star-Studded Dream

I have forgotten how it started, but what I remembered what that I was on top of Joseph, faking the pleasure I was getting from him. I was holding out for somebody 'ata, and I didn't want him to know that I was doing it with Joseph. Don't ask me to elaborate anymore 'cause it was just a dream! 'Di ko nga alam ba't si Joseph ang nandu'n eh I find him kaderder!

After we're done, he put on his briefs and shirt, and turned on his tsipipay laptop. Then he sat in front of my PC and turned it on, as well. (Kinda reminiscent of what exes did. Haha!) When it was on, he played solitaire -- which was kinda metaphorical with him asking if I enjoyed what we did. I said yes, only that I was having an asthma attack to actually enjoy it fully. So feeling alone siya with the solitaire, ganu'n?

Then I told him to put on his pants when I heard people coming in. He stood up, put on a towel on his waist, and checked who was outside. When he came back, Gerald and Jake was with him, in their backpacks. I remembered that I called for them before the Joseph thingy happened.

I didn't know whether to be embarrassed at that situation or not. But I just played it cool, acting as if nothing happened. I asked Gerald for photocopies of some lesson (or script 'ata 'yun). Then I handed them their previous works. Si Gerald medyo pasaway. Hindi nag-pass ng ilang activities. Si Jake, OC. He had asked me kung ano ang grades niya sa lahat ng activities.

Joseph left. Sabi ko 'wag muna, but he did. Na-OP siguro o na-insecure.

Jake commented, "Bakit kasi hindi maghanap ng ibang trabaho, eh?"

Sabi ko, "'Uy, ex ni Sandara 'yan." In my mind I thought that they knew what had happened between us pero parang OK lang. Still, I was getting embarrassed. Like your parents, you don't want to know that your teachers are doing it!

"Alam ba niya?"

"Malay ko. Hindi na sila, eh."

Then I saw Joseph's laptop in front of me saying, "Babalik 'yan. Naiwan niya laptop, o."

Bago pa man magpatuloy ang kuwento, I woke up at the calling of the garbage collector! Keyniz!

The dream may have come about when I saw my favorite student's drawing of me and his letter yesterday. Na-miss ko siya. Hindi ko na siya mahagilap. Nagtatago sa bundok ng UPLB! Saka na-miss ko rin ang pagtuturo. I wish to teach film once I'm done with my master's program. Sana nga magtuloy-tuloy na ang paggaling ko. Amen!