Withdrawal

Last week, my PC died on me. For a few times, it would suddenly turned itself off after a few minutes of being on until it doesn't turn on anymore. I refused to think that the power supply might be busted for it was just replaced a few months back. But when I had it checked, it seemed that the new power supply had given up, as well. It stayed at the repair shop for observation. Aside from the broken CPU fan, nagha-hang din daw siya.

While at the "hospital," I felt upset. Parang baby ko na ang PC ko, and whenever it exhibits some faulty behavior, nabo-bother ako. Parang isang anak, hindi ako mapakali until I know that it's doing OK. Bukod pa sa worries about sa magiging expenses, I just can't function well without it. May laptop ako, but nothing beats my PC. I do most of my work with it particularly blogging. Dami na naming napagdaanan. Marami na kaming ginawa together. Marami na kaming sikretong binahagi sa isa't-isa. Tumawa at umiyak na kaming magkasama.

For the past 6 years, everytime na magkaka-problema ang baby ko, si ex ang lagi kong takbuhan. Siya ang pinabubuhusan ko ng worries ko especially 'pag may mga nakatenggang orders. Having a computer background, the ex would stay all night just to fix the problem, without having to resort to changing any parts. Lumang PC pa ang gamit ko n'ung magkakilala kami. Ilang beses na siyang pumalya, but the ex had managed to revived it again and again. Pero s'yempre dumating din 'yung time na na niya kinaya ang hirap dala ng katandaan. Naawa na rin ako sa kanya so I decided to retire it, and buy myself a new baby in 2006. Mas bongga! Mas hi-tech! With matching LCD screen. Until now siya pa rin ang gamit ko.

One of my worries when the ex left was how would I handle it kapag tinopak ang baby ko. I was able to handle the problems myself, but somehow telling the ex about it was my way of coping with it. Alam ko namang wala na siya rito para ayusin ang problema, but the mere act of telling him gives me a sigh of relief. Alam naman niya kasi kung gaano ako nag-wo-worry everytime it happens, at marinig ko lang na sabihin niya noong nandito pa siya na he will look into it makes me feel better.

Last week I was having some withdrawal symptoms. Feeling upset, I was having the itch to contact the ex, and tell him about the condition of my baby. Its motherboard needed replacing. Nag-give up na nang tuluyan dahil ilang beses ding nag-exhibit siya ng motherboard defect signs before. But I stopped myself. What for? What would I say, anyway? Magmumukha na naman akong needy sa paningin niya. So instead of running to the ex, I sucked it up and accepted the situations: one, my baby needed surgery, and it has to be done or risk losing it completely, and; second, I can't run to the ex anymore when problems like these occur. For one thing, he can't help me anymore, and he had stopped caring a long time ago.

So ayun, new motherboard, CPU fan, and power supply (buti na lang at umabot 'to sa 6-month warranty!) for my baby. By Saturday it was home! Malaki ang nagastos s'ympre, but all for the love of it!

Welcome back, baby!

Speaking of withdrawal, yesterday naman, Angel was crying. She wanted to go with Daddy, but he refused. So umiyak, feeling iniwan. Whenever she feels like she is being left out, she'd cry about the ex, wishing that he was with us. Siguro naaalala niya rin 'yung mga times na kino-comfort siya ni ex 'pag umiiyak siya.

She cried and cried, talking how she missed him and can't wait for the day that he'd be with us. I'd naturally told her that it would never happen, but she insisted. Nagsisinungaling daw ako. Nag-promise daw kasi si ex at tutuparin niya 'yun. Sinabi ko na he might've promised it, pero di niya 'yun gagawin talaga. He will come back pero di na namin siya makakasama.

"Saan siya pupunta?" Angel cried.

"Sa kanila ni mama niya," I told her.

Angel continued to cry. There was a point nga na tinitigan niya ko nang masama, feeling that I was lying to her.

"Ba't mo ba sinasabi 'yan? Kapamilya na natin siya, di ba?"

"Dati 'yun, pero hindi na ngayon,"I said.

Umiyak pa rin siya. I felt that she was getting confused with what I was telling her. I sensed na nahihirapan siyang paniwalaan 'yun. Yet in my heart, I can't fully explain it to her. Pa'no ko nga ba sasabihing nasa kandungan na ng iba si ex? At kung magkagan'un man, pa'no ko ipapaliwanag ang koneksyon niyon sa kanya, without completely disclosing what the true nature of my relationship was with the ex? Naku, hindi pa 'ata ako handang magpaliwanag ng mga gan'yang bagay, kahit hindi ko naman nililihim sa kanya ang totoo.

"Mahal ka n'un. Babalik pa 'yun."

"Hindi na niya ako mahal. Hindi na babalik 'yun."

"Hindi totoo 'yan!" she said, almost screaming.

"Itanong mo pa sa kanya."

"Mahal ako nu'n. Siya rin naman ang nagpalaki sa 'kin."

Jusme. At that time hindi ko na alam ang sasabihin sa kanya. Of course, wala siyang kinalaman sa kung anuman ang nangyari sa 'min ni ex, pero kailangan niyang malaman na things wouldn't go back to what they were before. Hindi na titira sa 'min si ex pagbalik niya. I wouldn't even count on us being in the same room together as a family like before.

I hugged her, and asked her to stop crying. Sabi ko magsuklay na siya ng buhok since she just took a bath.

She got up, brushed her hair, and left my room. I think she continued to pour out her feelings to Ginger. Medyo naririnig-rinig ko nang bahagya ang pagbanggit niya sa pangalan ni ex.

After a few minutes, she came back. Kalmado na siya. She came to me and said, "Sige na nga. Di ko na iiyakan si Kuya Biboy. Pero kilitiin mo muna ko!"

Ayun, natigil na siya. May mga times kasi na papasok lang 'yun ng kwarto ko para magpakiliti. Parang pang-relax niya sa buhay.

"Siguro gan'un talaga 'pag nagkaru'n siya ng bagong anak. Makakalimutan na niya ko," pahuling sabi ni Angel bago ko siya kilitiin.

That's it! Natigil na rin ang loka-lokahan moments namin.