Thursday, November 04, 2010

It's TGIF For Me

Ikinuwento ni Boy Abunda sa birthday episode(s) niya sa Bottomline ang isa sa di niya malilimutang karanasan noong nagkasakit ang kanyang ama. Hirap na hirap sila sa buhay noon. Wala silang pera kaya nang isugod nila ito sa isang ospital sa Maynila, di ito tinanggap. Naging malaki ang epekto ng pagkakataong iyon sa karamdaman ng ama at tumatak nang husto sa isipan ni Boy. Ayon sa kanya, hanggang sa ngayon, sa tuwing napapadaan siya sa ospital na iyon ay hindi niya ito magawang tingnan. Hindi na niya ito napasok pa magmula nang tanggihan sila nito. Nag-iwan ito ng matinding pait sa puso at pagkatao ni Boy.

Kung ang ospital na iyon sa Maynila ang iniiwasan ni Boy, ang sa akin ay T.G.I. Friday's. I have never eaten nor set foot at any of their restaurants since my fateful experience from them.

It was 1997. I was fresh out of college, looking for a job. Isa sa inaplayan ko ay HR Assistant ng TGIF. Upon filling in the form, tinanong ako ng secretary kung makakapagsimula na ba raw ako kaagad dahil kailangan talaga nilang mapunan ang posisyon. I said yes dahil wala rin naman akong pending application that time. Besides, sino ba namang bagong graduate ang hindi tatanggapin ang unang trabaho ialok sa kanya, hindi ba?

I was seated then. Then, she told me to follow her in the office. I stood up and walked behind her. Kitang-kita ko ang pagkagulat sa kanyang mga mata when she saw me walked. It was as if it was her first time to encounter someone with physical handicap. Every now and then, on the way to the office of the manager, palingon-lingon siya.

When we reached the office, tumayo ako in front of the manager's desk. In class we were taught that on job interviews, we shouldn't sit unless told to do so. The secretary approached the manager and whispered something to him while looking at me. Alam ko na kung ano ang nangyayari, but I kept my cool. The secretary left, and I was alone with the manager.

I was told to sit, so I did. The manager looked at my resume for a while and asked me not about my qualifications, but about my physical condition. I told him that I had it since birth. He told me to stand up and walk around as if he was a doctor doing an exam on me, trying to make a diagnosis on his head. He even made sure na makikita niya kung paano ako maglakad by being in the front row! Lumayo at tumayo pa siya sa tabi ng desk.

Once he gotten what he wanted (and perhaps satisfied with what he saw), he asked me about my teeth. "Ano nangyari sa ngipin mo?" I didn't have braces then kaya may pagkasungki pa 'yung two front teeth ko. Mayro'n din ako white spot on one tooth na tatak-David 'ata. Parang birth mark sa ipin. Sabi ko it was there since birth. Pakiramdam ko ay hinahanap niya lahat ng mali sa katawan ko ng sandaling iyon.

Pinaupo niya ako at tiningnan sumandali uli ang resume ko. He then said, "We'll call you." I stood up, thanked him, and shook his hand. Pakiramdam ko noon ay sinusundan pa rin niya ako nang tingin as I leave.

Nanginginig ang buong laman ko noong panahon na iyon. A friend, Arnel, accompanied me at wala akong binanggit sa kanya about what just transpired in the office. Sa MRT, unti-unti akong naluluha pero pinapahid ko kaagad. Ayokong malaman niya ang tungkol sa nangyari.

When I got home, doon ko naibuhos ang sama ng loob ko. May ilang araw din akong nag-iiyak until I decided that I wouldn't pursue the corporate world anymore. It was the first time that I have experienced blatant discrimination right to my face. Pinahiya nila ako. Minaliit.

On my journal entry dated September 11, 1997, I had hoped that I was trained on how to deal with such experiences. I knew how the world could be cruel, but I never realized na mararanasan ko ang hagupit ng latay niya. These things were never taught in school. Kaya paglabas mo ng unibersidad, hindi sapat ipanglaban ang mga teoryang itunuro sa 'yo ng iyong mga guro sa lupit ng mundo.

I have never shared this experience with anyone except my parents and two closest friends that time, Elma and Arnel. Ipinaliwanag ko kasi sa kanila why I was pursuing an MA degree in Ateneo (then). Gusto ko kasing magturo sa college once I gained some units. (But I got into elementary teaching the year after.) But even then, natakot akong pasukin ang mundo kung saan ihaharap mo ang iyong sarili sa iyong mga estudyante.

From then on, I told myself never to eat or visit any of their restaurants.

Sa ngayon, I'm tougher when dealing with these days. I really wouldn't mind the curiosity about it so long as walang malice o halong pangbabastos, the way other people ask about one's sexuality.

P.S.
This is, by the way, the continuation of "A 12-Year Old Story Part 1"
I've written last year. Technically, 13-year old story na siya. Hindi kasi siya madaling isulat. Hindi madaling ibahagi sa iba. I have never verbalized this ordeal to anyone. I have told my parents and friends this through letters.

Upon reading the said post last year, nabasa ko roon na sinulat kong I have experienced discrimination twice.

Ang isa pa ay mula sa AMA-CLC na diniscriminate ako because of the university I graduated at--CEU. Naghahanap sila noon ng English professor at pasado ako sa exams, interviews, and demo. Pagdating sa upper management, I was easily dismissed because I was a CEU graduate. Hindi raw kasali ang graduates ng university ko sa mga tinatanggap nila. Galing lang daw sa UP, Ateneo, La Salle, at kung anu-ano pang mamahaling universities ang kino-consider nila.

Natawa na lang ako sa dahilang iyon. Sino naman sila para maging prejudiced sa graduates ng ibang universities kung sila ay mas malayo pa ang ranking ng mga unibersibad sa Pilipinas sa CEU?! Kalokohan!


Read "A 12-Year Story Part 1" here.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Promises, Lies, & Deadmahan


Promise is such a scared word to me. Binibigyan ko siya ng malaking pagpapahalaga na kapag ginamit mo siya sa akin, I'll hold you to it. Para siyang seal dealer for me; isang contract na pinapasukan mo with me; ang iyong John Hancock.

The sad thing with people today is that they throw the word like piece of shit. Ginagamit nila ito to get what they want that when it comes to giving their end of the bargain, they fall short. Despite the loose use of the word, umaasa pa rin naman ako madalas na aakuin ng tao ang salitang binitawan nila sa akin. It's my weakness really. Kahit pa ilang beses na akong napagsinungalingan, I still give people the benefit of the doubt. Laging iniisip ko na, "Maybe this time, they would own it." However, it's me who end up eating my own words.

The ex and I converse once in a while because of the expenses he left here that I need to attend to. I send him e-mails or text messages reminding him of due dates. However, lately, I haven't been hearing from him despite my numerous messages to him. The last words I received from him was that he'd send the payments eventually. Eventually? How could he give me such a time when due dates come every month?

I wouldn't mind the delay so long as natutupad niya 'yung obligation niya. The thing is, ni hindi siya sumasagot sa mga e-mails ko despite my pleas. Ako kasi ang kinukulit at hinahabol ng mga credit card companies at pangalan ko ang nasisira dahil card ko ang ginamit niya noong andito pa siya. Bukod pa sa naiwan niyang sarili niyang card na may balance pa rin at dito naka-address sa 'min.

Before that, three months ago, he'd promised that he would send the payment in a week's time. Buwan na ang lumipas at wala pa rin. Dagdag pa ru'n 'yung sasabihin niyang the payment was on its way at bangko ang may problema sa delay. Then the delay would take such a long time na parang di na 'ata tamang tanggapin na bangko ang may problema. I've asked him about it pero deadma siya. Ang gusto ko lang naman ay explanation para maintindihan ko ang nangyayari. Para hindi ako nag-e-expect. But nothing! Nakasanayan na niya talaga lokohin ako na until now ay ginagawa pa rin niya.

Nagpahiram ako ng (rare) CDs sa isang "kaibigan." Those were in exchange of the CDs that I borrowed from him, as well. Then, a few months ago, nagkaproblema kami with each other. I was borrowing some Tagalog VCDs from him that I'd be using sana for a class project, pero pinagdamutan niya ko. Sinabi niyang hindi siya nagdamot when I confronted him about it a few weeks after, saying that he was just busy then. But I knew better. I knew he was lying kasi hindi tugma ang sinabi niyang dahilan sa Facebook statuses niya that time. Eh ang gusto ko lang naman ay sabihin niya sa akin ang totoo. The lies made how I feel worst. Idagdag pa sa fact na everytime na may gusto siyang hingin o hiramin sa 'kin noon, pinagbibigyan ko siya.

I asked for my CDs back, telling him to ship them to me. Gusto niya makipagkita ng personal, but I didn't want to see him. Kinulit ko siya about it that he became defensive. "Isosoli ko rin ang mga CDs mo. Hindi ako magnanakaw," he said. He didn't use the word promise, but the words he used were pretty much guarantee that he would do what he said.

Pinangako niyang ibabalik ang CDs ko by August 30, but it didn't happen. I waited patiently even if I already shipped his CDs to him. I asked again last week, and he said that he was about to send the CDs to me. May sinabi pa nga siyang he's hoping that we have the friendship back and that he would do what it takes to win back my confidence in him.

The CDs did not arrive. I asked him for updates several times pero deadma siya. Di nagre-reply sa texts ko o FB messages. Di rin sumasagot sa mga tawag ko.

Again, I wouldn't mind the delay basta lang ipaalam niya sa 'kin. Maiintindihan ko kung wala pa siyang perang pang-ship. I even suggested na mag-meet na lang kami. But nothing. I asked him for an explanation dahil ayokong isiping ninenok na nga niya 'yung CDs. Deadma siya. Kung nawala naman during shipping or whatever, tell me! 'Yun ang gusto ko. Pero mukhang pinaninindigan na niya ang pagiging asshole tulad ng paninindigan niyang bisexual siya.

The CDs he borrowed are not available in stores anymore: Kung Ako Na Lang Sana and Forever soundtracks and Sharon's Seafood City compilation given to me from the US. So hindi sila mapapalitan basta-basta.

'Yung isang kakilala ko naman ay pinahiram ko ng (rare) DVD at VCD of two different movies. Nu'ng pinapasoli ko na sa kanya, he also became defensive saying na hindi niya pinag-iinteresan ang mga movies na 'yun. Ako naman si tanga ay naniwala sa kanya. Same thing happened. Deadma sa messages and calls.

I guess this one ay sanay na sanay sa pagsisinungaling. When we met, sinabing niya wala na sila ng bf niya. He's starting anew. Yet I got a message from his bf na sa house niya pa rin ito tumutuloy at ongoing ang relationship nila kahit ayaw na niya (nu'ng bf).

When I asked the guy about it, nag-sorry siya about the "lie" at sinabing wala na sila talaga at kukunin na niya ang gamit niya to move back to his parent's house. Hindi na ko nagtanong pa about the bf dahil alam kong kasinungalingan lang ang matatanggap ko. (Napatunayan ko rin 'yun dahil nag-I love you siya sa mga photos ng supposedy ex-bf niya na nilagay niya sa FB.) I just want my videos back para tuluyan na siyang mawala sa buhay ko.

Ganyan 'ata talaga when you're dealing with a (once a) child actor. He blurs the line between the truth and the staged life.

Crush promised to come here on Oct. 30. He didn't. Ni hindi sumasagot sa texts ko at FB messages when I asked him what happened. Kahit sa FB chat, deadma siya.

Naghanda ako sa pagpunta niya rito. I even cooked pasta for him. Also bought a gift for him to remember me by. I made sure na gusto niya 'yung binili ko para ma-appreciate niya ng husto. Kahit pa pagkamahal-mahal nu'n para ibigay sa isang crush lang.

I asked for an explanation. Iintindihin ko so long as maipaliwanag niya. But nothing. Deadma siya.

Tinatanong ko kay God kung bakit ganito ang nangyayari sa 'kin. Bakit sunod-sunod. What pattern am I in na kailangan kong alisan para magbago ang kapalaran ko? Is He saying na huwag na ko magtiwala? Na huwag akong maniniwala kaagad sa mga pangakong binibitiwan ng tao sa akin? What would I become then if I do that? Tuluyan na ba akong magiging jaded at bitter?

What did I do to deserve this kind of treatment?

Sana hindi ka lang nangako. Sana hindi na lang kayo nangako.

Edit:

As of 11:50 PM, nagkaru'n ng linaw ang kwento ni crush. No phone siya for two days now. (I didn't bother calling him actually.) And he thought na 31st ang dapat pagpunta niya kaso wala pa raw siya tulog till now. Pagluluto ko pa raw ba siya kapag nagpunta siya?

Ewan ko ba! Sobrang nakakainis na ang nangyayari! Laging mali ang diskarte ko sa isang ito.

"Sex and the City 2" (Philippine Release DVDs)

Sex and the City 2 comes in three 1-disc DVD editions:

1. With free shades that come in four styles depending on each character.
(Since I am a Miranda character, I chose her. Though it will be just for collection purposes! I wouldn't have the nerve to wear them in public.)


2. With free notebook


3. Regular edition - no free item

Friday, October 29, 2010

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Age Is Not Just a Number

Age is just a number, so goes the saying. But we often hear such words from older people who don't want their ages to define them or be use it against them. However, for the young, it isn't so. When it comes to relationships, age is a major player.

I must admit that I like 'em young (and fresh). The innocent, cute boy looking strike up a tingly chord in me. As I age though, I don't see them the way I do before. Sa ngayon, mga inosenteng crush na lang na parang high-schooler ang dating. I don't see them as potential partners or at least having a long-term commitment with them. If ever, for fun na lang.

I have a friend (slightly younger than me) who I learned is in a relationship with a 17-year old boy. Medyo takot siyang pumasok sa mga relationship dahil hindi naman siya completely out, so I was surprised to see a change in his Facebook status. Two days ago, he felt bad, citing that this boy tells him he loves him, yet still communicates with "others." Nasasaktan siya.

That is how with this so-called relationship with teens goes. I had once a fling with a 17-year old boy. Alam ko namang walang patutunguhan ang relasyon namin. Nevertheless, pinatulan ko pa rin. Gwapo at cute, eh. The same with my friend, this boy told me he loved me several times. Napakadali para sa kanyang sabihing ang katagang 'yun kaya naman wala rin kadating-dating sa 'kin. Empty words; hallow feelings. Still, sinakyan ko. It was good until it lasted--for about a week or so! (After ko mabili 'yung polo na gustong-gusto niya sa Folded and Hung. He made sure na gustong-gusto niya kasi hindi siya tumigil sa kakasabi habang nasa Megamall kami.)

Unless matapang ang sikmura mo na makipagsabayan sa mga bagets or you get the upper hand, importante na malaman mo ang susuungin mo when it comes to dealing with them. These kids are so volatile. Konting alog lang, sumasabog na. Lalo na sa panahon ngayon kung saan they are free to express themselves well. Kasehodang makasakit ng iba, gagawin nila ang gusto nila. (I don't think na may concept sila ng konsensya at this stage of their lives.) They also get into "relationships" easily na parang nagpapalit lang ng brief. (Assuming they wear briefs at hindi nila naiiwan 'yun sa last encounter nila.) If straight teens can be promiscuous, lalo na ang gay teens. Pagsamahin ba naman ang dalawang lalaki na di uso ang ligawan!

Nabanggit ni Marc na ang hilig ko nga raw talaga sa bata when he learned that I am into this UP undergrad classmate of mine. (See previous posts.) Pero never naman ako na-attract sa kanya because he's young(er). (He's in his 20s.) What attracted him to me is 'yung dating niya--smart and confident. Isa sa hinahanap ko ay 'yung may laman ang utak. 'Yung makakapag-usap kami at the end of the day ng tungkol sa kahit ano. Aanhin ko ang super hunk kung mani naman ang laman ng utak? Further, he has this huge booming voice na very butch ang dating. Plus, one can never dismiss his wide smile and dimples. Kaya naman never ko ring naisip na we're so many years apart from each other until he tells me na hindi niya napanood ang Dawson's Creek! That's when I realized na ang tagal-tagal na nga ng 1993! Sa generation namin, parang kailan lang iyon.

Isa 'yun sa biglang naging consideration ko in pursuing him. Makakasabay pa ba ako sa kanya? Mahahabol pa ba niya ako?

Anyway, age consideration or not, I've decided to lay low. When I asked him before kung sa'n siya sa QC nakatira, he jokingly said, "Sa puso mo." Then, let it just be. Stay there until I know what my next move would be...



Photo Credit: http://latinaish.com/2010/09/01/escritura-y-diferencias/

Taking Chances


I was trying to make a good impression by letting you know that I have been thinking about you, yet mas nakasama pa 'ata. You were offended by my misquotes when it wasn't really my intention. Sinabi mo na nadadalas ang pagmi-misquote ko, and I'm clueless about those instances. However, it wasn't intentional. I was focused more on the idea about my memories of you than the actual words used and sentences told. Nasabi ko nga sa sarili ko na I want more of those. I want to have a future with you.

But do I really?

Never in my entire life that I tried to impress someone much the way I want to do with you. But it seems like no matter what I say, parang laging may mali. It feels like I'm walking on thin ice. The moment I let the cat out of the bag, I don't know how to be cool with you again. Parang make or break for me palagi.

I met someone online a few months ago. (Or it was last year, I think.) We kinda hit it off, and he seemed nice enough to hang around with. He likes movies the way I do so major pogi points na 'yun. However, the minute I told him that I took some MA units in Ateneo and is in UP for MA Film, he took some steps backward. Intimidated daw siya sa mga ganu'n kasi di siya nakatapos ng college. From then on, unti-unti na siyang lumayo until he stopped communicating with me.

Hindi naman ganu'n katagal ang naging communication namin sa isa't-isa. A few days lang 'ata. We haven't met personally and had not talked much, so I haven't had the chance to prove myself to him that I don't wear my "accomplishments" as badges. Kaya I don't understand why he suddenly brushed me aside just because he feels intimidated.

Now I get it. Ganu'n pala ang pakiramdam when you feel like someone is way out of your league. You don't even wanna give it a try. The problem is, the more I try, the more I feel like a failure. Parang I can't get through you. I can't win.

So what am I to do?

I don't know really. Parang tama na sa 'kin that I took a leap of faith by letting you know how I feel. Fate na lang ang magde-decide whether we're meant to be or not given the odds between us.

Mahirap kasing makipaglaban if you feel na mag-isa ka lang sa struggles mo. Ang sa 'kin, I did my part. It's up to you to do yours, whether in favor sa 'kin o hindi. I just don't wanna look as if I'm pushing myself hard on you. And I don't wanna feel pathetic by being glad with whatever crumbs you hand out to me.

I am tired really. I've been burned so many times before. Is it so bad to ask na maging in favor naman sa 'kin ang mundo once in a while?

Don’t know much about your life.
Don’t know much about your world, but
Don’t want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.

You don’t know about my past, and
I don’t have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it’s not meant to last...

The World's First Bionic Burger

Monday, October 18, 2010

Tempting Fate

They say that when you are about to die, memories of your past life flash before your eyes. I feel that it's the same thing when something in you is about to get lost forever. Memories of your good times together start to haunt you, making you regret what you did.

Memories rewind, from the latest ones to the oldest; from the time you were walking away to your destination, texting me "babay", to the time that we almost sat beside together in class during the first day then asking me for a spare pen on the next meeting.

Memories flash by, from one scene to the next; from the time you were teasing me about my 6-page final exam, saying how it was so lazy, undergrad-like, to the time you were smitten about the clock in my room, asking if it rings on alarm.

I should've stayed away from you the minute I learned your name. But I couldn't resist. I just had to get close to you. I had to fight fear. I had to stay strong.

I should've kept a distance from you when you told me that you weren't into relationships. But I was stubborn. I didn't listen, thinking you might turn the other way.

I have tempted fate. It felt like the signs were all against us, yet I took a chance. I have risked our friendship, and I was left with none.

I am sorry that I have overstepped my boundaries. I just wanted to get it out there. But jumping out of the bus has it consequences. You'd either die or survive. You'd either be scratch-free or wounded.

I'm sure that I'll survive. I just couldn't say if I'll be scratch-free.

This is what happens when you look for happiness. You get hurt. I hope that once it finds me, I'd still be alive to enjoy it.

So I walked under a bus
I got hit by a train
Keep falling in love
Which is kinda the same
I've sunk out at sea
Crashed my car, gone insane
And it felt so good
I want to do it again...

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Danny Zialcita's "Palabra de Honor" (1983)

Formspring.Me 002

When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

Singer. I always buy one to two Minus One cassette tapes every week when I was in elementary. But then I realized that show business (being on TV or screen) is not a place handicapable people, so I quit dreaming about it.

Ask me anything

Formspring.Me 001

If you could be invited to one person's birthday party, whose would it be?

Sharon Cuneta.

Ask me anything

Fast Forward

Read post here: Fast Forward

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Hachi Ka Ba?

I needed a good cry today. The bad news I've received from an interviewee (for one of my class papers) who backed-out had tipped me over. For a while now, I've been experiencing some bouts of emotional pains, and I needed a release. T'was the best time to do so.

Enter Hachi: A Dog's Tale, the key to unlocking the flood gates of Angat dam! Based from a true story in Japan in the 1920s-30s, it is about an Akito dog named Hachi found by Parker Wilson (Richard Gere) at a train station. Immediately, they formed a strong bond that everyone who knows them has witnessed. During work days, Hachi would send Parker at the train station and goes back at exactly 5 PM to fetch him. When Parker didn't return home after suffering from a heart attack, Hachi waited for him. Parker dies, and Hachi waits at the station for ten years till its demise.

Sino ba naman ang di maapektuhan sa pelikulang ito? From the time Parker has died, di na ko natigil sa pag-iyak. Walang panama ang pinakawalang tubig ng Angat dam nu'ng Ondoy! I sobbed and sobbed until there's no more tears left. Truly a good release for me!

Whenever I hit a hump on the road, I always go back to what I considered as the saddest day of my life so far. I didn't realize it then, but it was such a terrible day when I lost the most important person in my life. Hindi man iyon ang eksaktong dahilan ng iniiyak ko kanina, yet parang 'yun pa rin ang tinutumbok niya kahit pa isang taon na ang nakalipas.

A friend from class, Chrissy, told me, "After you lick your wounds, relax." Ang sagot ko, "Dumudugo pa siya." Kapag nakakaranas ako ng kasawian, I couldn't think well. Hindi ako makapagplano nang maigi until ma-absorb ko ang kabiguang iyon. I guess the event that happened a year ago is something that I haven't fully gotten over. A deep wound needs a great deal of time to heal; like a broken bone in cast; like a heart that experienced a stroke.

Back then nu'ng andito pa siya, pakiramdam ko'y ako na ang pinakamaswerte at pinakamaligayang tao sa mundo. I couldn't ask for more. I may not have a good and stable career to speak of, I'm fine with it so long as he's there. Hindi importante ang mga materyal na bagay sa 'kin because I get by just by being with him.

When I lost him, I had to start all over again; pick myself up from the devastation. I had to struggle with the other things in my life; focus on other aspects.

When all else fails me, alam kong maaasahan ko siya. Hindi masakit tanggapin ang pagkabigo sa iba dahil alam kong may matatakbuhan akong di ako bibiguin. Pero pa'no ka nga ba makakabangon kung ang nag-iisang taong inasahan mo ang siyang bumigo sa 'yo?

Acy asks in my Facebook post, "Hachi ka ba? Ako, certified Hachi!"

Yes, I am. Until now I've been waiting for something... for someone. Something na magpaparamdam uli sa 'kin ng pagiging buo. Something na magbubuo muli sa nadurog kong pagkatao. Tao man siya o hindi.

Pero sana ay di ako maging katulad ni Hachi na naghintay sa kawalan, na naghintay hanggang sa kanyang kamatayan. That would be the saddest part of it all. In dog years it has waited for 70 years! Hindi ko 'ata kakayanin ang ganu'ng katagal na paghihintay.

Kaya kung ano o sino ka man, please, get here soon!

Saturday, September 04, 2010

Ah... Men!


I want to post a general statement regarding men and the ways they utter words, but I didn't want to be accused of making generalizations. So instead, I'll give you samples. Just let me know which one/s you can relate to.

Here it goes:

Man A has the sweetest words for you whenever he wants something from you. Pupugpugin ka niya ng mga salitang "Alam ko namang mabait ka..." just to melt your heart. Papangakuan ka niya ng mga bagay-bagay na alam mong pipiliting niya lang gawin para sa 'yo para makuha niya ang gusto mula sa 'yo. Ikaw naman bilang isang "mabait" na tao would appreciate the gesture more of considering doing the act you want him to do more than doing the deed itself. With that, di mo na malalaman kung gagawin ba niya talaga ang pinangako niya o hindi. Nevertheless, you'd already know that he's that kind of person who would supposedly do anything just to get what he wants. Kaya use it to your advantage. Aalm mo kung pa'no siya paglalawayin at pasusunurin sa 'yo na parang tuta.

Pero ingat!

Itong klaseng lalaki na rin na ito ay marunong magbuhol ng kasinungalingan. Dahil nga kaya niyang mangako, kaya niya ring ipako ito lalo pa kung nakuha na niya ang gusto niya sa 'yo.

Man B has the boyish, innocent charms. With such looks, how can one suspect that he lies? Ito ang klase ng lalaking ginagamit ang kanyang looks para paniwalain ka sa kanyang mga sinasabi. Yet kapag nagkabuko-buko na, napakadali niya ring magsabi ng sorry na parang mae-erase na lahat ng lies niya with such word. Kung aware ka sa power niya, alam mo kung sa'n mo ilulugar ang sarili mo. Alam mo kung kailan didistansya o lalapit.

Pero ingat!

Sa paglapit-lapit mo ay baka tuluyan ka nang mahulog sa patibong niya. He blurs the line between the truth and the lie. At kapag nagkataon, baka pati ikaw ay mawindang na rin sa kanyang mga salita.

(Posted pic is from Funny Times.)

Man C uses his charms by being funny and honest. Mabilis mahuhulog ang loob mo sa kanya just because pinapatawa ka niya. He's honest enough to let you know his (open) commitments to other people. Pinapaalam niya rin sa 'yo ang style niya sa lahat ng mga bagay. Then, he'd tell you that he likes you. Of course, paniniwalaan mo since alam mo namang naging open siya sa 'yo from the start. This so-called honesty is endearing.

Pero ingat!

Ang so-called honesty niya rin ang maglulunod sa 'yo sa putikan. Kung wala ka sa ulirat mo, pwede kang bumigay at madala sa kanyang salita. Kapag nagkataon, napapabilang ka sa mga taong pinaiikot niya sa kanyang mga kamay sa kanyang "katotohanan."

Man D is the sensitive one. He never forgets to acknowledge the things you do for him and the way you feel for him. He's sweet without giving an umay feeling. He's someone you feel like talking to anytime about anything. He seems perfect, but he's not.

Beware!

He's the type who shuts himself out when it comes to his feelings. He is a pretender. He pretends that everything is OK with him even if you know it isn't. He believes that by not talking about issues, they will just go away. In meeting with him, he'd make you feel like nothing wrong has ever happened and acts as if things were just as the way they were before. Yet, when separated from each other, he acts as cold as ice. At palalabasin niya sa iba na OK kayo. So you'd ask yourself, sa'n ka lulugar?

If my post seems disjointed, pasensya na. I'm just venting out. These days kasi, I'm finding it hard to trust people particularly men. Feeling ko ay lagi silang may tinatago sa 'kin. Nagkakataon nga na mayro'n nga! Kapag instinct na ang nagsasabi sa 'yo, 90% tama siya.

Despite receiving one lie after another from a previous relationship, I remained a trusting person. I am positive about the innate goodness of people. Call it gullibility, but I always tend to give them the benefit of the doubt. However, after the six-year relationship ended, I became conscious and wary of what to believe in. I guess, 'yun ang nagagawa kapag ang taong pinagkatiwalaan mo ng husto ang malalaman mong nagsinungaling sa 'yo nang paulit-ulit. Pakiramdam mo'y kung ang taong pinakamalapit sa 'yo ang nanloko sa 'yo, ano pa kaya ang mga taong hindi mo lubusang kilala.

Naitanong ko nga sa Facebook post: Alin ba ang mas masakit, ang malaman mo ang katotohanan o ang malalaman mong pinagsinungalingan ka? While both could hurt badly, mas masakit pa rin malaman na pinagsinungalingan ka. Ang malaman mo kasi ang katotohanan ay isang bagsakan lang. But with the second, you deal with both the truth and the lie. Kung minsan nga'y hindi mo na alam kung alin ang mas mabigat sa pakiramdam.

Effort ang magsinungaling at ang malaman mong nag-effort gumawa ng istorya ang isang tao sa 'yo says a lot about how he/she sees you. Andu'n na 'yung pakiramdam na di ka niya nirespeto sa ginawa niya lalo pa't paulit-ulit na nangyayari. Andu'n na rin ang questions about your self-worth and crushed ego. Napakadaming issues to deal with aside from the truth itself.

(Posted pic is from Cartoon Stock.)

Minsan nga ay mas gugustuhin mo pang 'wag nang tanungin ang issues na bumabagabag sa isip mo dahil baka makakuha ka pa ng kasinungalingan na mas makakasakit pa sa 'yo. You'd rather not know than receive a lie.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Nasa Libro Ako!

Recently, I bought several books on Pinoy cinema in Power Books, Mall of Asia.


I have started reading Filipino Directors Up Close: The Golden Ages of Philippine Cinema 1950-2010 by Bibsy Carballo. It is starting to be one of my favorite books since it talks about not just the (known) directors in the Philippines, but some inside, back stories, as well, about them. Eh hilig ko talaga ang mga personal stories about stars, directors, films, etc. Hindi lang ang mga tsismis tungkol sa kanila pero 'yung mga totoong kwento na hindi alam ng publiko. Those stories are what makes them human. What makes them true. 'Yung tipong mga kwentong nagsisimula sa mga katagang, "Alam mo ba..."

Siguro part na rin ng aking pagiging Psychology graduate--ang alamin ang katotohanan behind certain stories. Saka tsismoso na rin talaga by nature!

Anyway, as I was reading the part on Peque Gallaga and his Scorpio Nights, muntik ko nang mailuwa ang toothpaste sa bibig ko! (Huwag n'yo nang alamin kung ba't may toothpaste ako sa bibig! Pero kung interesado talaga kayo, 'wag na rin. Hindi naman masyadong interesanteng kwento 'yun.)


Paano ba naman I saw my old blogger's name, Filmphiler, mentioned! Sabi ko, "Uy ako 'to, ah." Nabanggit na I got a copy of Korea's Summer Time which was an adaptation of Scorpio Nights. At hindi lang 'yun, na-i-quote pa mismo ang nasabi ko about it!


Hanep naman! Natuwa naman ako sa sarili ko! To think that I have long abandoned that movie blog in favor of this personal blog where I post my movie reviews. Naisip ko tuloy na i-revive ang blog na 'yun at para mai-merge lahat ng reviews ko from this blog. That is, kung ma-retrieve ko pa ang e-mail at password na gamit ko ru'n. Besides may mga nakukuha pa rin akong visitors and comments du'n.


I'm recommending this book for (Pinoy) film enthusiasts! Not just because I was mentioned on it, but because it is a great read on Pinoy cinema. Bihira lang ang mga libro tungkol sa ating pelikula at ang iba sa kanila ay out of print na. So hangga't mainit-init pa ito at available pa sa store, get a copy now!

Sana sa future makapaglabas din ako ng libro na gaya nito...

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

J. Neil Garcia's Male Homosexuality in the Philippines: a short history

According to J. Neil Garcia, a prominent gay historian in the Philippines and UP professor, the (short) history of male homosexuality in the country is divided into three eras:

I. Pre-Hispanic period

In Garcia's oral accounts research of this period, women were revered by the society. They were priestesses and matriarchs who held themselves strongly. They had the power to divorce their husbands if they felt like it, choose their children's names, accumulate wealth and own properties.

With that, the so-called "somewhat-women" also had the distinction of being highly-regarded. They were called bayoguin (a bamboo specie), bayok, agi-ngin, asog, bido, and binabae. Part of their transformation was donning female clothes and acting as women, thus, they were more than cross-dressers, they were gender-crossers. They had crossed the male and female gender lines.

Like women, they were also babaylans and catalonans who healed sickness and intermediated between the world of the living and the spirits. They were respected leaders and figures of authority.

Further, men treated them as concubines.

(This research may raised eyebrows to some, but remember that they were no written reports before the Spanish era. Garcia relied on oral accounts that may need further study.)

II. Spanish period

As women's statuses deteriorated in the Spanish's patriarchal society, so did the gender-crossers who suffered ridicule and scorn. From bayoguin, they were referred to as bakla--meaning "confused" and cowardly. As to any confusion, there was always a resolution. It could be "straightened out."

To the Spaniards, kabaklaan was a temporary condition which might be corrected using "whatever persuasive, brutally loving means." (Garcia) Dito na pumasok ang pananakit sa mga bakla upang "itama sila" sa ngalan ng "pagmamahal" ng mga magulang.

Because there was something transient with kabaklaan, the Catholic Church had their sights more on sodomy and how un-Christian it was.


III. American period

With the onset of public education and mass media, sexuality was linked to psychological studies. Same-sex desire was labeled as homosexuality, and gay and lesbian terms were coined. Moreover, homo/hetero distinctions were classified and put in a box.

The Philippines subscribes to American education and it poses a problem since the homosexual (a genitally-male man whose object of sexual desire is the same sex) was equated with the bakla.

In his book, "Philippine Gay Culture: Binabae To Bakla, Silahis To MSM," Garcia differentiates a bakla to a homosexual:

1. Bakla as term is specifically denotative of the identity of the effeminate and/or cross-dressing male, while homosexual strictly refers to sexual object choice and hence it cuts across sexes. (And so, the term homosexual may be appended to either male or female, while bakla may not.) (Preface, xxi)

Homosexuality is a general term to which the LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) community belongs and is not gender-specific--whether one acts masculine or feminine. A bakla, in Pinoy world, is an effeminate male alone. A lesbian cannot be called a bakla. A masculine gay man would refused to be called bakla.

2. Bakla connotes a certain comportment in the same-sexual act which differentiates him from his masculine partner who is not considered a bakla precisely, while homosexual connotes a certain form of orientation, preference, or desire which both parties in a same-sexual experience engender and share. (Preface, xxii)

A bakla typifies with the female role in the relationship, thus, s/he prefers and is attracted to a straight man. Usually he feels like a woman whether he wants to act on it or not (be transsexual), so he is a transgendered individual.

Homosexual acts encompass a great deal of affairs between the persons involved in the relationship that both share and experience. No gender-specific activities; no typical roles to play. Both partners can be gay (or lesbian) which is a no-no to a bakla.

In Filipino culture, a straight man who has sex (for whatever reasons) with a bakla is not a bakla, therefore, is inconsistent with American studies.

3. Bakla’s specific history predates that of homosexuality in the Philippines, and until now, certain of its former nonsexual significance that relate to fear and confusion may be seen to persist in it. (Preface, xxii)

Even though homosexuality is relatively a new study, Filipinos use the terms bakla and homosexual interchangeably, and both suffer the same social stigmatization especially that homosexuality was considered to be a disorder in the beginning. The baklas concerned themselves not only with how they present themselves in public, but also with the thought that they were sick and sexual predators.

As homosexual changes from sexual disorder to sexual orientation, effeminacy becomes the target of homosexual studies. Effeminate behavior is likened to gayness which is not the case always. Eve Kosofsky, a Queer theorist, in her essay "How To Bring Your Kids Up Gay," it causes a problem since effeminate children are already tagged as gays even though they have yet to establish their sexual orientation.

This issue brings forth gender studies pioneered by Kosofsky, Judith Butler, and others who contest the boxing of male and female into gender-specific roles.

Tom Hardy, star of Inception, couldn't expressed it any better in his admittance of his sexual relations with men: "As a boy? Of course I have. I'm an actor for fuck's sake. I've played with everything and everyone. I love the form and the physicality, but now that I'm in my thirties, it doesn't do it for me. I'm done experimenting, but there's plenty of stuff in a relationship with another man, especially gay men, that I need in my life. A lot of gay men get my thing for shoes. I have definite feminine qualities and a lot of gay men are incredibly masculine." (Underline mine.) (Just Jared)

Tulad ng mga 'Kano, mahilig tayong mag-kahon ng mga kilos at ugali ng tao, but it isn't the case in other countries. Hindi issue sa kanila ang kung ano ang ginagawa mo sa pribado mong espasyo.

In local flavor, Uma Khouny declared recently that he is not gay despite kissing another man. "Nakipaghalikan ako sa lalake, gumimik ako sa gay bar. Because for me, bakla man o tomboy, we're all the same, di ba? Dito lang sa Pilipinas is the weirdest thing ever na bakit hindi tanggap yung bakla? For me, we're all the same." (PEP)

For many Filipinos, Uma seems to be "gender-crossing" (for lack of a better term) for he is neither that masculine nor feminine. That creates confusion dahil hindi siya mailagay sa kahon. We have to realize, though, that he grew up in Israel, and men out there don't exactly subscribe to specific gender ways.

There are other countries, as well, with customary men kissing as greeting, yet they don't brand themselves as homosexuals.

4. Finally, it needs to be reiterated that bakla and homosexual are terms belonging to two different knowledge systems, and therefore can only be irrevocably different from each other. (Preface, xxii)

A bakla is a homosexual, but a homosexual is not always a bakla. It is significant that they be studied distinctively from each other. Kaya importante ang mga pag-aaral ni Garcia tungkol sa mga homosexual sa Pilipinas. Binibigyang-linaw nito ang pinagmulan, kasalukuyang estado, at paroroonan ng homosekwalidad sa ating bansa.


Post-script:

Like some gay men in the Philippines, I have always been uncomfortable in identifying myself as bakla. I may be gay, but certainly, I don't feel like a bakla. I thought that it was just because that baklas are always equated here as the "parlorista types," and I didn't want to be associated with them. I don't go for straight men, and I am not into paying men for sex. Ang iniisip ko, bakit ako magbabayad kung makukuha naman ng libre. At sakit ng ulo lang ma-in love sa straight men.

I don't understand why such feeling exists within me until I get to read Garcia's differentiation. Naintindihan ko na iba nga ang bakla sa pagiging gay in general. Naintindihan ko rin na iba ang desires nila at hindi ko pwedeng ikumpara nang sa akin. I really can't call myself as such because I don't identify with it.

I haven't read Garcia's entire book, so I don't know what different Pinoy gays use to call or describe themselves. Most closeted Pinoy gay men prefer to loosely call themselves "bi" (for bisexual) to avoid the stigma attached to being gay even if their attractions are solely for the same sex.

Others use the term "discreet" which connotes acting or looking straight. My apprehension in using the term is that it gives a feeling of deceitfulness; something hidden; something shameful. I may not be fully out then, but I was never entirely inside the closet. I was never ashamed of who I was.

As I've mentioned before in one of my posts, the word bakla makes me uneasy. Pakiramdam ko kasi ay offensive siya at derogatory. But these days, OK na ako with it kasi alam ko na kung saan at paano siya gagamitin. Sana lang ay matuto rin ang karamihan sa paggamit nito ng tama at walang halong pangbabastos.

Friday, July 09, 2010

Monday, July 05, 2010

The Last Two Decades of the Philippine Cinema

This essay has been tweaked for this blog post. There are additional information and opinion that are not present on the paper I've passed on class.

NO REPRINTING WITHOUT PERMISSION.


***
The Last Two Decades of the Philippine Cinema

A Paper on Film 280 Class in UPD

The 1980s has whipped about 1,427 films. The 1990s saw a decline with 1,366 films produced. (Carreon, October 2005) It may be just a small amount of difference, but it was a vision of the things to come in the industry in the succeeding decade.

The film industry was beset with a couple of problems in the ‘90s that until this very time is challenging. For one thing, there was heavy taxation on film productions along with exorbitant talent fees of superstars. Given that the industry was star-based that time, producers were at the mercy of such superstars, most of the budget being allotted to them.

Eddie Romero (National Artist for Film) explained that film, since its invention, has belonged to the so-called “non-essential enterprise”. (Carreon, November 2005) Thus, it is only seen by the government as money-making opportunity, gaining one-third of the shared film’s profit. The other third goes to the theater owners who don’t do much in the promotion of the film, but nonetheless get an equal shared profit. The last third goes to the producers.

Secondly, there was severe MTRCB censorship under the watchful eyes of Etta Mendez-Manoling Morato, which dictated what and which scenes in the film to be shown in public depending on what they deemed as immoral and objectionable, regardless of the content the scene had come about. Their vicious ways even reached Hollywood when they try to cut some scenes of the Oscar-nominated films in 1993 (“Schindler’s List” & “The Piano”) and in 1995 (“The Bridges of Madison County”). The films’ makers raised their objections, opting for non-showing here than butchering. Protests from the concerned industry ensued. The government approved the films’ release. Crusades against MTRCB continued, making the industry proposed its abolition. But until now, it exists. It may have already put its scissors down, but it made the producers themselves to do their own cutting upon its suggestions. Not abiding by such would guarantee an X rating that is tantamount to non-showing in theaters. Therefore, causing the producers give in to its will.

Philippine movies also had to deal with competition from Hollywood films. Dealing with economic crisis, audiences was forced to choose between seeing a technically-polished Hollywood film and a Philippine release. There was a battle against Hollywood’s new or redressed plots and Philippine’s formulaic and safe story lines. Given that colonial mentality still pervades most of our senses, there is an inclination towards Hollywood films rather than our own.

The clamor for something fresh and ground-breaking did not go unnoticed to producers. They knew that we were not yet ready to compete with Hollywood’s big-budget release and wider audience, so they tried different ways in dealing with the situation.

In 1990, Lino Brocka’s (National Artist for Film) “Macho Dancer” made it to the Toronto Film Festival which became the first Filipino film to make it big there. It paved the way to the international video release, and made the world known about the existence of remarkable directors, writers, and actors in the Philippines. It also jump started films of such kind that shows “the sensitivity of human relationships through a Filipino perspective,” (Macaro, October 2005) which, incidentally, also made the rounds in different international film festivals like Mel Chionglo’s “Sibak” (1995) and “Burlesk King” (1997). Such films started a trend with movies that we send abroad—gay-themed and poverty-centered.

Armida Siguion-Reyna, a prominent fixture in the industry and a remarkable advocate of the cinema established Reyna Films that aimed to bring quality filmmaking. She also made sure to make them commercially viable. Indeed, she succeeded. Her first venture, “Hihintayin Kita Sa Langit” (1991), has garnered commercial and critical recognition. She may have lost a number of audiences as years went by, but the unrelenting quality of her films remained the same until her last production packed up in 2000 via “Azucena.” (Tiongson, 2010)



“Hihintayin Kita Sa Langit” starred Richard Gomez and Dawn Zulueta, then a celebrated couple on and off screen. They made a great deal of film contributions in the ‘90s by starring in a number of significantly recognized films, winning acting or technical awards every now and then. Richard was a huge ‘90’s star who started as a bit player in “Inday Bote” (1985) and became a multi-awarded dramatic actor and paired with the likes of the best actresses of the decade.

Aga Muhlach made a comeback, taking second fiddle to Richard, until he became a much-sought leading man. In time he garnered accolades for his portrayals.

To encourage the making of quality films, Manila Film Festival was revived. However, most of its releases were considered disappointments rather than achievements especially in 1994 when the so-called “switching scam” happened during the awards night. Lolit Solis replaced the winning ballots to favor the wins of “Loretta” stars, Ruffa Gutierrez and Gabby Concepcion. Then Manila mayor, Alfredo Lim, exposed the cheating and created uproar in the industry that eventually led Gabby into leaving the country. Lolit confessed while Ruffa and Gabby denied their participation.

In 1993 Star Cinema launched its initial offering, “Adan Ronquillo”, co-producing with Regal Films. From then on they become the industry’s leading film producer, taking most number of the box-office successes and releasing the most number of films every year. They launched Claudine Barretto into stardom and skyrocketed Judy Ann Santos’s career. Today Juday leads her contemporaries in terms of the products she delivers on screen. Under its wing is Piolo Pascual as its top leading man in the late ‘90s to early 00’s. John Lloyd Cruz took the seat in the last few years of ‘00s.

Star Cinema released “May Minamahal” in 1993 under the helm of writer Jose Javier Reyes. Joey had changed the landscape of movie writing by having his characters speak in their colloquial, almost street-smart language. With that, flowery words and almost rhythmic dialogues that are very distinct in the ‘80s were eliminated. Movie dialogues had never been the same since then. In 2001 he made “Live Show” which created pandemonium within the government and church which deemed it pornographic. It was heavily-censored upon its release.

The need for new story materials never ceased. As a result, Carlo J. Caparas ventured into turning sensationalized crime stories to movies. His first film was “The Visconde Massacre” (1993), starring Kris Aquino. It was such a hit that in the following year, another version of the film spawned, and a series of different massacre films came thereafter. It was a box-office magnet that even the industry’s major players jumped-in like Vilma Santos and Sharon Cuneta. Soon enough the interest in such exploitative films dwindled and box-office returns diminished.

Another exploitative film had come about: ST (Sex Trip) Films in the early-mid ‘90s. It was later reborn as TF (Titillating Films) in the late ‘90s-early ‘00s. With Armida Siguion-Reyna heading the MTRCB that time during the late ‘90s, the Board became lenient. It was still governed by laws, but there was also quite a freedom experienced by the producers.

Seiko Films had led the way in coming up with ST Films. It catapulted ‘80s teen star, Gretchen Barretto, into fame by shedding her clothes onscreen, and she pretty much dominated the whole genre until Rosanna Roces entered the picture through TF. Rosanna became a legitimate actress when she did “Ligaya Ang Itawag Mo Sa Akin” (1997) for Reyna Films which also experienced the pangs of MTRCB during its release.

Regal Films, on the other hand, lowered productions costs by means of “pito-pito films” (films made in a 7-day/24-hr period) just to get by and make releases every now and then. Mother Lily had made a handful of movies in different genres under such banner which mostly suffered in quality. “Babae Sa Bubungang Lata” (Mario O’Hara, 1998) and “Tuhog” (Jeffrey Jeturian, 2001) were the two outstanding films to ever come out of this genre gaining international recognitions. (Manila Bulletin, 2008)

GMA Films had also ventured into filmmaking. They produced the highly-acclaimed “Jose Rizal” (Marilou Diaz-Abaya) in 1998 in line with the Philippines’ Centennial Celebration of freedom. They made other highly-regarded films in the next years that came, but had lost their momentum after.

By early 2000s, Philippine Cinema was said to be sick and dying. Filmmakers were alarmed and tried producing “quality” films. However, no matter how great the releases were, people were staying away from theaters. This is because film digital piracy appeared. Audience was inclined to watch movies more in their homes rather than cinemas, be it Hollywood or Pinoy. The PhP40 cost of pirated video goes against a hundred-ticket price. Aside from that, the price of going to the cinema costs more than it appears to be—jeepney/bus fares to the mall, food/snack fee, and exertion of time and effort. So families who can’t afford such luxury would opt for a cheap copy of the film rather than go through the rounds of a true cinema experience. With that, cinema has become an indulgence rather than a cheap entertainment for the masses.

TV has also become larger than the screen. More people are watching TV than cinemas. Even big movie stars relegate themselves into doing more TV projects than movies for it pays higher. Though they have reduced their rates, there are not enough producers making movies.

With such distractions, films vie for audience’s attention to lure them back into theaters in terms of plots and grandiose productions that are sometimes set abroad (OFW stories like those of “Anak” (Rory B. Quintos, 2000), “Milan” (Olivia Lamasan, 2004), and “Caregiver” (Chito Roño, 2008) or use digital enhancements not seen on TV (movies of superhero or fantasy genre). Thus, movie-producing becomes more expensive than ever.

In 2003 the first digital film was produced and released in theaters, “Duda” by Cris Pablo. It was a gay film with minimal budget, but had tremendous gains. Independent cinema was born out of it, and indie films have sprouted like mushrooms, producing more films than major studios combined.

The Bomba exploitation movies in the ‘60s, Bold in the ‘70s, Pene in the ‘80s, and ST-TF in the ‘90s resurface under the guise of gay movies dealing mostly with gay sex. The industry has seen the importance of the gay population in achieving monetary gains for their films.

Despite such films, a rise in local film festivals came subsequently, persuading aspiring filmmakers to make quality films by financing it and giving them incentives. Two of these are Cinemalaya in 2004 and Cinema One Originals in 2005 that aim to generate stories that are not so familiar in our mainstream consciousness yet equally appealing and noteworthy to tell.



There was also a surge of international fame and recognition for our films. Brillante Mendoza’s “Serbis” (2007) is the first Filipino full-length film to ever compete at the Cannes Film Festival since Brocka’s “Bayan Ko: Kapit Sa Patalim” (1984) made it there. In 2009 Mendoza won Best Director for “Kinatay” at the same festival where he received both approving remarks and off-putting gestures.

Other noteworthy filmmakers making the rounds abroad are Jeturian with “Kubrador” (2007); Maryo J. delos Reyes’s “Magnifico” (2003), won the Jury Prize at the Berlin International Film Festival; Aureaus Solito’s “Ang Pagdadalaga Ni Maximo Oliveros” (2005) garnered applauses and trophies abroad, and is the highly-successful digital film at the box-office; Pepe Diokno’s “Engkwentro” (2009) won the Venice Film Festival’s Horizons Prize and Lion of the Future Award For Debut Film; amongst others.

In 2009 an independent production called Spring Films led by Piolo Pascual released the breakthough hit, “Kimmy Dora” (Joyce Bernal, 2009). It was the production’s first movie and an unexpected box-office success at that. It was an independent production yet devoid of an “indie” feel to it. It had mainstream cinema written all over it. It was a comedy that was different from the usual comedies the country had produced—witty and could be slapstick at times without insulting the intelligence of its viewers.

Obviously, it is the audience’s cry for new “mainstream” material. A plea to producers for new dishes. Throughout the years, Pinoy audience has grown. They may be inclined to give in to what is presented to them, but breaks out when something does not work for them.

The Philippine Cinema as of these days is thriving and holding its ground firmly. It may not be as flourishing as it was in the ‘50s and ‘70s, but it is making its mark in the ever-changing industry of the world. It may not be able to run up against Hollywood’s technicalities, but the stories and lives are bigger than ever. It is sick and the curing continues. So long as the love and appreciation of it never falters, it will never die! Not in the hands of those who care for it deeply and honestly.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Ang Mukha Ng Bading Sa Pelikulang Filipino Sa Bagong Milenyo

I have been wanting to write something like this. In fact, I have a draft here that has been started and never finished. Now, I finally get to finish it because of this paper assigned in class. Mukhang OA nga ang paper na ito dahil sa dami ng nabanggit ko. (2 pages lang dapat pero umabot ako ng 5. Pumayag naman si prof. Though mas mahaba ngayon dito. May additional inputs na ako.) I'm not sure kung magulo lang nga ang instruction ng professor ko o ako lang ang nag-assume na ganito nga dapat 'yun.

Anyway, it has been written and passed. Bahala na kung pumasa. However, I'm glad that I wrote it. It would be a lot of help in case I pursue my thesis on it.

NO REPRINTING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

***

Ang Mukha Ng Bading Sa Pelikulang Pilipino Sa Bagong Milenyo
A Paper On Queer Cinema Course In UPD

Malaki na ang pinagbago ng mukha ng bading sa pelikulang Filipino simula ng lumabas sila sa mga katatawanang pelikula noong dekada singkwenta. Nagpumiglas na sila sa kahon ng pagiging malambot, parlorista, at cross-dressers hanggang sa pagiging everyday Joe na ang gawi ay tulad ng isang straight na lalaki.

Nag-ibang anyo at kilos man, nagbagong tunay nga ba ang portrayal ng pagiging bading sa Pelikulang Pilipino?

Ang mukha ng bading sa pelikulang Filipino ay nag-transform mula kina Facifica Falayfay (Dolphy) at Petrang Kabayo (Roderick Paulate) noong ‘60s at ‘80s, sa mga karakter ni Lino Brocka at mga derivatives nito kung saan napapaloob ang kwento ng buhay nila sa mundo ng mga nagbebenta ng aliw noong ‘80s-‘90s, hanggang sa pag-emerge ng mga (initially) self-loathing gays ni Cris Pablo ngayong ‘00s, kasama si Maxie (Nathan Lopez) ni Aureaus Solito, ang batang bading, at sina Mark (Luis Manzano) at Noel (John Lloyd Cruz) ni Olivia Lamasan, ang working class, straight-acting gays sa pagtatapos ng dekada. Ang mga karakter ng mga bading ay nagbabago depende sa may gawa nito at ang kanilang mga karanasan sa pagiging bading o pakikisalamuha sa kanila.

Sa mainstream cinema, sumulpot si Gerry (Ricky Davao) sa “American Adobo” (Laurice Guillen, 2003), isang working class citizen sa US na produkto ng Martial Law sa Pilipinas. Hindi siya lantad sa kanyang mga kaibigan maliban sa isa. May bahid man ng pagkamalambot, papasa pa ring siyang straight sa mundo ng mga heterosexual. May kinakasama siyang lover na may sakit na AIDS. Hanggang sa pumanaw ito, siya ang nag-alaga rito. Dito ipinakita ang pagiging maalaga at loyal ng mga bading pagdating sa pag-ibig.

Hindi man stereotyped na bading si Gerry, ang mundo naman niya ay punong-puno ng stereotypes: tulad na lamang ng sakit ng kanyang lover na associated as gay disease. Sa huli ay mag-isa pa rin siya sa mundo ng mga “couples.”

Sa pelikulang “Minsan, Minahal Kita” (Lamasan, 2000), si Jackie (Carmina Villaroel) ay isang lantad na lesbyana na may kinakasamang babae. Dahil dito ay itinuring siyang abnormal ng kanyang ina at halos ikumpara ito sa pakikiapid ng kanyang kapatid na si Diane (Sharon Cuneta), may asawa, sa isa pang may asawa, na isang imoral na gawain. Ang mas matindi pa rito ay itinuring na siyang patay ng kanyang ina. Hanggang sa matapos ang pelikula ay hindi na niya naitaas ang tingin ng kanyang ina sa kanyang pagkatao.

Kahit ganu’n man ang nangyari, maligaya siya sa kanyang relasyon sa kanyang kasintahan. Isa itong positibong pagtingin sa lesbian relationship dahil ang mga heterosexual relationship sa kanyang paligid ay nagkakasira. Maging ang kanilang ina ay nagtiis sa kanyang naging dalawang asawa just to stay married and be at a “straight” path. Sinasabi nitong hindi baleng maging miserable basta’t nasa itinuturing na “tamang daan” na hindi sinang-ayunan ni Jackie. Hindi niya kayang maging miserable sa isang bagay na alam niyang hindi magpapasaya sa kanya. Isa itong empowering image para sa mga lesbyana.

Sina Mark at Noel sa “In My Life” (Lamasan, 2009) ay nagpakita ng kaibang pagganap ng mga bading. Straight-acting sila at nasa isang give-and-take relationship. May active-passive roles na gaya sa mga heterosexual relationship, subalit nagdadamayan bilang magkatuwang sa buhay. Walang nanggagamit at walang nagpapagamit.

Gayon pa man, ang may gawa nito (Star Cinema) ang siyang nagtakda sa kung ano ang dapat ipakita sa manonood sa sinehan ukol sa kanilang relasyon. Ang theatrical version ng pelikula ay tinanggalan ng mga key (intimate) elements sa relasyon ng dalawa onscreen (na mapapanood sa DVD nito) na parang sinasabing hindi pa handa ang mga manonood para sa mga ganu’ng bagay. Kaya naman pagdating sa “hyped-up kiss” sa may tulay ay naghagikgikan ang mga (straight na) manonood. Bilang isang bading, pagtatakhan mo kung bakit kailangang pagtawanan ang isang bagay na natural lamang sa nagmamahalan. Ito nga ay dahil sa ang mga producer na mismo ang naglilimita sa mga maaring ipanood sa audience at nagdidikta sa kung ano ang matanggap nila at hindi. Imbes na kakitaan tuloy ng lambing at pagmamahalan ang eksenang iyon, naging katawa-tawa ito sa mapanuring manonood. (Isa rin ito sa dahilan kung bakit hindi nagma-mature ang ating audience.)

Bukod pa sa nabanggit, ramdam ko rin na may implikasyon din ang naging sakit ni Mark—colon cancer na nag-ugat na rin mismo sa pagkakaroon nito madalas ng diarrhea nu’ng bata pa ito. Sinasabi ba nito subtly na may kinalaman ang sakit niya sa bahagi ng katawan na ginagamit niya for sexual pleasure? At nakaligtas man si Mark sa sakit na ito ay namatay naman siya sa ibang paraan, thus leaving Noel alone just like Gerry. Sinasabi ba nitong walang nagtatagal sa mga relasyon ng bading? Na sa huli ay iiwan ka pa rin ng minamahal mo? (I might be reading too much into it, but it’s how I see it. We should really be careful with what we put out there.)

(Sabi ng prof ko, a butt or a penis is likely to be seen on screen rather than a kiss between two men. This is because a kiss is threatening to a straight audience, from "The Celluloid Closet." A kiss elicits a strong emotional response from an audience. Kapag ba kinilig ang mga straight, ibig sabihin ba nito ay bading na rin sila? If they enjoyed it, does it mean that they are encouraging it? Magkaka-possibility rin ba na pwede nila itong gawin?)

Subalit tulad nga nang sabi ng karakter ni John Lapus na si Toffee sa “Here Comes the Bride” (Chris Martinez, 2010) kung saan pumasok siya sa katawan ng isang babae at ayaw na niyang lisanin ito, “Hindi n’yo ako maiintindihan dahil hindi kayo bakla!” Ang mga naturang filmmakers ay straight kaya hindi nila maka-capture ng buo ang sensibilities ng pagiging bading. (No matter how much they are surrounded by gays. The same way that gays won't truly understand how it is to be straight.)

Sa independent cinema, nangahas gumawa ng mga pelikula si Pablo ng mga kwento tungkol sa mga bading para sa bading na gawa ng isang bading. Sa kanyang mga naunang pelikula (“Duda,” 2003; “Bath House,” Bilog,” 2005), ang bading ay laging may pangangailangan na ipaliwanag ang kanyang sarili sa mundong kanyang ginagalawan at sa kanyang manonood. Kadalasan ay binibigyan niyang dahilan ang kanyang pagiging bading at humihingi ng pang-unawa sa kanyang pagkatao. Sinasabi nitong hindi kasalanan ng isang tao ang pagiging bading kaya hindi siya dapat itatwa, hamakin, at pagtawanan ng lipunan. Subalit bakit ka hihingi ng simpatya sa mga tao kung alam mong hindi mo ito isang pagkakamali? At bakit ka magpapaliwanag sa kapwa mo bading? Ito ba ay tangkang itaas ang moral ng mga bading o sadyang tina-target ang mga straight audience?

Isa sa kapuri-puri na gawa ni Pablo ay pagpapakita niya ng halos lahat ng klase ng bading sa kanyang mga pelikula—effeminate, straight-acting, butch, pa-mhin, parlorista, cross-dressers, etc. Hindi niya nililimitahan ang sarili niya sa iisang klase ng bading, bagkus ay piniprisinta ang iba’t-ibang mukha ng bading. Well-represented, ‘ika nga kahit pa stereotyped kung minsan.


(Yes, very diverse ang mundo ng mga bading. No wonder na nawi-windang ang mga straight sa kanila! Hindi na sila mailagay sa iisang description.)
Nagbago naman ang takbo ng kwento ng mga sumunod na pelikula ni Pablo. Subalit natuon ito sa mga sexual escapades ng mga bading kahit pa wala itong ganoong kwento. Dito ay napagsamantalahan niya hindi lamang ang kanyang mga artistang handang maghubad for a price, maging ang mga bading na manonood na handang gastusin ang kanilang pinaghirapang pink money para lamang sa makapanood ng hubarang lalaki sa lalaki onscreen. Maituturing na itong softcore porn na hindi lamang si Pablo ang may gawa kundi ang iba pang nagsulputang gay filmmakers.

(Like what my professor asked, is it a matter of quantity or quality? Enough ba na maraming kwentong bading sa pelikula? Kung minsan nga ay nilalagyan na lang ng gay angle ang isang istorya para lang bumenta sa mga bading. "In My Life," in the end, is not about the gay couple, but a mother's journey in aging life.)


Noong 2005 ay lumabas ang isang well-adjusted na bading sa pagkatao ni Maxie. Siya ay isang teenager na walang hang-ups sa kanyang pagiging bading. Maging ang barako niyang pamilya (ama at dalawang kapatid) ay walang problema sa kanyang pagkatao at itinuturing pa siyang prinsesa. Kailanma’y hindi sila naringgan ng masasamang salita ukol kay Maxie.

Isa rin siyang contributing individual sa komunidad dahil sa pagtulong na ginagawa niya sa kanyang kapwa. Maliban sa pagiging inexperienced sa pag-ibig, wala na siyang intindihin pa sa mundo.

Sa pelikulang “Ang Pagdadalaga Ni Maximo Oliveros,” ipinakita ni Solito ang mundo kung saan kabilang ang bading sa isang pamilyang nagmamahalan. Walang pangungutya at hindi siya tino-tolerate lamang kundi tanggap siya ng lubusan. Sila rin ang maituturing na bagong mukha at henerasyon ng mga bading kung saan hindi kunukwestiyon ang kanilang sekswalidad, bagkus ay pinangangalagaan at pinagyayabong.

(Maximo has broke barriers din sa audience. Straight man o bading, natuwa sa kanyang kuwento. Bakit nagkaganito? Dahil pinakita si Maximo bilang isang harmless na bading. Maternal pa nga ang kanyang characterization. Inalis nito ang stigmatized character ng mga bilang sa pelikula bilang monters o victimizers. The question is, is it good or bad when you make the gay a non-sexual character?)

Subalit malaking bagay rin ang mundong kinabibilangan ni Maxie sa pagtanggap sa kanya. Siya ay napapabilang sa mga mahihirap kung saan, kadalasan sa totoong buhay, ang mga tulad niyang bading ang siyang nag-aakyat ng pera sa pamilya. Dahil dito, ang kabadingan ay hindi nakukuwestiyon dahil sa naidudulot nilang tulong sa pamilya. Ito nga ba ang tunay na mukha ng pagtanggap?


Ang mukha ng kabadingan ay patuloy na nagbabagong-anyo sa pelikulang Filipino tulad na lang sa pagtuklas ng mga tao na may iba’t-ibang mukha talaga ng bading sa tunay na buhay. Kay Jay Altajeros (“Ang Lalake Sa Parola,” 2007; “Little Boy/Big Boy,” 2009), ang kanyang mga bading ay straight-acting, working class individuals na mula sa middle-class families. Wala siyang isyu sa kanyang sekswalidad. Nagagawa niya ang kanyang gusto. Tulad ng ibang heterosexuals, problema niya rin ang pananatiling malakas ang relasyon sa kanyang kasintahan.


Kay Joel Lamangan (“Walang Kawala,” 2008; “I Luv Dreamguyz,” 2009), ang kanyang mga bading ay mula sa struggling class kung saan ginagamit ang kanilang sekswalidad upang kumita ng pera para mabuhay ang sarili at ang kanilang pamilya. Hanggang ngayon ay pinagpapatuloy pa rin niya ang "legacy" na nasimulan ng "Macho Dancer" (1988) ni Brocka. Nag-iba lang ang kwento, pero iisa pa rin ang kasuotan.


Kay Monti Parungao (“Bayaw,” 2009; “Santuaryo,” 2010), ang kanyang mga bading ay mga "straight" na nakikipagtalik sa kapwa lalaki para lamang makaraos. So, theoretically, hindi sila mga bading. Isa ito sa malaking problema ng kanyang characterizations na hindi lamang offensive sa mga bading, kundi maging sa mga straight na lalaki na pinakikitang hindi nag-iisip kapag tinamaan ng libog sa katawan.

Malayo na ang narating ng kabadingan sa pelikulang Filipino mula nu’ng ‘50s. Hindi na sila maikakahon sa iisang characterization na lamang. Hindi na sila ginagawang sentro ng katatawanan o breather sa pelikula (maliban na lang sa ilang mainstream movies), subalit parte na sila ng istorya. Hindi na sila maituturing na best friend o sidekick lamang ng bida, kundi sa kanila na mismo umiinog ang kwento ng pelikula. (Sa ngayon, sila na ang may best friend sa pelikula--ang fag hags na tinatawag.) May mga stereotyping pa rin paminsan-minsan (tulad na lang ng mga gawi ng karakter ni Manzano sa “In My Life” tulad ng mahinhing hagikgik at malambot na bali ng kamay), subalit kapata-patawad na ito in favor of a good story at maayos na representasyon.

Ang bading sa pelikulang Filipino ay patuloy na nag-e-evolve at nagbabagong-anyo ayon sa pangangailan ng kanyang manonood. Sa katunayan, sa panahong ito, ang mga pelikulang may kwentong kabadingan (directly or indirectly) ang siyang nagpapanatili sa naghihingalong industriya na nagha-highlight kung gaano ka-importante ang mga bading sa komunidad.

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If you noticed, I have refused to use the word "bakla". I find such word offensive and derogatory. Ka-level siya ng "fag" o "nigger" sa wikang Ingles para sa 'kin.