Konek-Konek Tayo

Ang liit-liit talaga ng mundo. Everybody seem to be connected with everyone especially with the advent of Facebook and Twitter. Magugulat ka na lang na kakilala pala ni ganito si ganyan at ganu'n. Si ganyan na kaibigan mo o kaaway na kaopisina pala ni ganito . Si ganu'n na crush mo o naging ex mo na jowa pala ni ganito. It's amazing and freakishly weird at the same time.

In this post, I won't name names. Sana lang ma-gets n'yo ang pinupunto ko even without getting specific on people.

Si C (which meant crush) ay connected kay K (kaklase) sa Facebook. K and I are Fb friends. Dahil hindi naman kami magkakilala ni C, hindi ko siya in-add sa Fb. To get acquainted with him, I sent him questions via this question-forming site. Of course, anonymous ako, yet flirty in a way to get his attention. Then we started exchanging e-mails. Pakana ko rin kasi tinanong ko siya kung saan ko siya pwedeng kausapin aside from the said site. He asked me how I knew him, but I just managed to tell him a not so honest answer. I just don't want him to figure out how we are connected.

Last December, mas naging personal ang conversation namin via e-mail chat. May pinagdadaanan kasi siya. He caught his bf cheating on him. Ooops! Hindi ko inaasahan 'yung sagot niyang 'yon. May bf na pala siya! Ouch!

So tuloy ang kwentuhan on the hows and the whys and what he intended to do. Konting advice-advice at kung anu-anong question and answer portion till we said our good nights.

That night hindi ako makatulog. Iniisip ko siya. Gusto niya kasi magpakilala na ko, so we can be better friends. Ayoko pa. Kasi baka pag nagkakilala na kami ng husto, mahulog lang ako ng husto sa kanya at masaktan. I'm not willing to get hurt again.

I asked God for a sign. Sabi ko, magpapakilala ako sa kanya the very next day rin kung magte-text siya pagkagising na pagkagising niya saying, "Kakagising ko lang." Kung hindi, it means na ayaw ni God at may iba siyang plano. I just don't wanna pass the opportunity of having a chance on him, yet gusto ko rin namang makasigurong may aasahan ako.

I waited the whole day for the text. Kahit hapon na, umasa pa rin ako na makukuha ko 'yung sign. Malay natin, hapon na siya nagising. Pero wala. Nakipag-bargain pa ko, but I know, in my heart, He has given me an answer. I can't compete with that. At lalong hindi ako pwedeng makipagtalo with Him about it since ako ang nanghingi ng very specific sign.

We talked that night, and I told him na ayaw pa ni God na magpakilala ako sa kanya.

The next day, I learned why. Nakipagbalikan si C kay Bf. Bibigyan niya raw ng second chance si Bf. So talaga palang masasaktan ako if I had insisted myself to him. Besides, alam ko rin namang wala pa sa level ng tuluyang hiwalayan ang dalawa. Ramdam ko 'yun. I just wanted to take a chance.

I asked C to tell me Bf's name para mahanap ko sa Fb at makilatis. Ayaw niya. So natapos ang kwento.

Tonight I saw Tf's (Twitter friend) post tagging C and another person. I clicked on C's id, at siya nga 'yun! So di lang pala kami kay K connected, pati kay Tf. Di ko naisip 'yun since graduate na si Tf.

I clicked the other person's ID. Hindi private ang account niya so nakita kong ang dami niyang posts na naka-tag si C. Siya ba si Bf?

Hinanap ko si Bf sa Fb ni Tf. Andu'n siya! Pag click ko ng Fb ni Bf, andu'n ang pic niya with C. Oh-kay! Siya na nga!

Then si Bf ay connected din kay A (actor) ko na nakausap ko through Tf. Sila talaga ang magkakilala ni Tf at pinakilala lang siya ni Tf sa 'kin through Twitter pa rin.

Ayun! Hindi ko naman kinarir na makilala pa 'yung ka-kompetisyon, pero basta na lang bumulaga sa 'kin nang walang ka-warning-warning! Parang pinamumukha sa 'king olats ako sa department na gusto kong pasukin.

Ouch!


P.S.

Eto talagang si Tf, Miss Friendship! Ang dami-dami-dami-dami-daming kakilala at kaibigan! Di ko siya kaibigan talaga in the truest sense of the word. Sa Twitter ko lang din siya nakilala.

Hindi Ako Duwag, Segurista Lang

Duwag daw ako, sabi ng isang crush dahil mas pinili ko raw patusin ang kaibigan niya (na unang lumapit sa 'kin) kaysa siya mismo ang puntiryahin ko gayong siya naman talaga ang gusto ko. I lost my chance on him, and it's all my fault, dagdag pa niya.

I must've admit that it was my fault. Naunahan ako ng kaba at takot kasi naramdaman kong I was never a match for him. Hindi kami makatugma. At alam kong he would never have taken a second look at me if we bumped into each other somewhere.

Sinabi niyang mali raw ang naging judgment ko sa kanya. Inunahan ko raw siya.

Maybe I have judged him too quickly, but since nangyari na ang nanyari, there's no way na malalaman pa namin kung iba ang magiging turnout ng pangyayari had I known about this. Basta ang alam ko lang, there are people whom you really think are way out of league, kaya to spare you from pain, you wouldn't even try expressing yourself to them.

One can consider it cowardice, but I call it segurista. Sa dinami-dami nang pinagdaan mong sakit, matututo ka nang maniguro at hindi basta sugod lang ng sugod.

Binisita ako ng kaibigan nu'ng January 1 dito sa bahay. Ikinuwento niya ang bagong lalaki sa kanyang buhay na walang bayag na panindigan siya sa mga taong nakapaligid sa kanila. Ramdam ko ang pananabik sa kanyang buhay. Naiintindihan ko ang kanyang pinagdaraanan kaya pinayuhan ko siyang i-enjoy lamang ang moment with him kahit ramdam kong hindi siya ang lalaking para sa kanya. Karapatan din naman niyang lumigaya at mahalin ng iba.

Naiyak nga siya nang sabihing gusto niya lang maramdaman ang appreciation ng iba sa kanya. Makailang ulit siyang bastusin ng kanyang asawa at ang huli nga ay nang ituring siya nitong nakapandidiri.

Alam ko ang kanyang pinagdaraanan. I am going through the same thing. At hindi na madali para sa akin ang magtiwala at umibig ng lubos. Hindi ko na 'ata kayang ibigay ang sarili ko nang buong-buo kundi ako makakasisigurong tunay ang taong pagbibigyan ko.

Tawagin na n'yo akong duwag, if it meant protecting myself from pain. Tawagin na n'yo ako duwag, if it meant that I get to save whatever dignity I have left for myself.

The truth is, hindi ako takot magmahal. I'm open to it. Ang kinakatakot ko ay ang umibig sa maling tao na may kapasidad na mandurog ng puso kaysa buuin ito.

CMQJ Sent You a Message

Me: Update mo ko sa payment.
CMQJ: Uy. Sorry medyo busy-busihan lang kaya hindi pa kita maharap. We'll pay you soon. Sorry talaga. Paano nga ulit pumunta sa inyo?
Me: Deposit mo na lang sa bank account ko sa BPI.
CMQJ: Ah. Gusto ko pumunta sa inyo.
Me: Hay, CMQJ...
CMQJ: Why?
Me: I don't know kung dense ka lang o nagpapaka-dense.
CMQJ: Dense ata.
Me: That's sad, lalo na sa mga taong apektado mo.
CMQJ: Sorry.
Me: Ay, sus, CMQJ. Second nature na 'ata sa 'yo ang pagsasabi ng sorry.
CMQJ: Sorry.
Me: Not funny. Not appropriate.
CMQJ: Why?
Me: 'Cause I don't wanna hear you say sorry unless you really meant it or you know what you're being sorry for. Sorry and promise are two words na gasgas na gasgas na sa pandinig ko.


Kinalimutan na kita. Inalis na kita sa sistema ko. Pero bakit parang nanggugulo ka pa? Hindi ba sapat na hindi na kita tine-text at kunukulit pa? Hindi ba malinaw sa 'yo na iniiwasan na kita?

Kapag ba sinabi ko sa 'yo ang tunay na bumagabag sa isipan ko, makikinig ka? Kapag ibinuhos ko ba ang sama ng loob ko sa 'yo, iintindihin mo?

I am so tempted to tell you about how I feel, pero pinpigilan ko because it would entail opening up some wounds na alam kong naghilom na kahit papaano. Kapag binuksan ko pa ito, baka mahirapan akong muling pigilan ito sa pagdurugo.

When I made you a birthday video, sabi ko sa sarili ko na huling straw ko na 'yun. Isa 'yung pagbati at pamamaalam at the same time. Part of me hoped na may kabuluhan ang ginawa kong iyon para sa iyo, but part of me wanted to completely let go of you. Kahit nga sa mga huling sandali ay pilit pa rin akong kumakapit until nagbago ka ng Facebook status na nagsasabing "In a relationship" ka na. 'Yun na ang nakapagpabitaw sa 'kin sa umaapoy na barkong aking sinasakyan. Hindi ako marunong lumangoy, subalit imbes na masunog sa loob ng barko, mas minabuti kong tumalon sa dagat upang isalba ang sarili ko. At least I've given myself a chance to live.

Whether totoo mang may karelasyon ka na o wala, it doesn't matter. The fact is, we can never be together. Abot na ako sa sukdulan. Hindi ko na kayang magpakatanga pa.

Kaya sana, maawa ka naman sa akin. Lubayan mo na ko.

MMFF 2010

Nakalimang MMFF entries ako this year for the first time. It wasn't planned. It was also not because I was looking forward to seeing so many entries this year. It just so happened that I was feeling stressed with school works that I needed to de-stress. Watching movies does that for me, whether sa sinehan o sa DVD; whether maganda ang pinapanood ko o tamang pangpalipas-oras lang. It takes my mind off the stress and gives me enough time to relax and rethink about my options re the stressors.

Kapag school activities ang stressors ko, pelikula lang ang katapat niyan. Kapag emotional battle, ay, tulog na walang puknat ang sagot diyan at pag-iwas pansamantala sa mundo kaya deadma sa text at social activities. Maski nga blogging ay napabayaan ko nu'ng nakaraang buwan. May mga panggulo kasi sa buhay na minarapat kong tanggalin muna sa aking sistema para gumaganda-ganda naman ang takbo ng buhay. Ayun! Successful naman.

Anyway, to read more about my filmfest post, go here: MMFF 2010.

It's TGIF For Me

Ikinuwento ni Boy Abunda sa birthday episode(s) niya sa Bottomline ang isa sa di niya malilimutang karanasan noong nagkasakit ang kanyang ama. Hirap na hirap sila sa buhay noon. Wala silang pera kaya nang isugod nila ito sa isang ospital sa Maynila, di ito tinanggap. Naging malaki ang epekto ng pagkakataong iyon sa karamdaman ng ama at tumatak nang husto sa isipan ni Boy. Ayon sa kanya, hanggang sa ngayon, sa tuwing napapadaan siya sa ospital na iyon ay hindi niya ito magawang tingnan. Hindi na niya ito napasok pa magmula nang tanggihan sila nito. Nag-iwan ito ng matinding pait sa puso at pagkatao ni Boy.

Kung ang ospital na iyon sa Maynila ang iniiwasan ni Boy, ang sa akin ay T.G.I. Friday's. I have never eaten nor set foot at any of their restaurants since my fateful experience from them.

It was 1997. I was fresh out of college, looking for a job. Isa sa inaplayan ko ay HR Assistant ng TGIF. Upon filling in the form, tinanong ako ng secretary kung makakapagsimula na ba raw ako kaagad dahil kailangan talaga nilang mapunan ang posisyon. I said yes dahil wala rin naman akong pending application that time. Besides, sino ba namang bagong graduate ang hindi tatanggapin ang unang trabaho ialok sa kanya, hindi ba?

I was seated then. Then, she told me to follow her in the office. I stood up and walked behind her. Kitang-kita ko ang pagkagulat sa kanyang mga mata when she saw me walked. It was as if it was her first time to encounter someone with physical handicap. Every now and then, on the way to the office of the manager, palingon-lingon siya.

When we reached the office, tumayo ako in front of the manager's desk. In class we were taught that on job interviews, we shouldn't sit unless told to do so. The secretary approached the manager and whispered something to him while looking at me. Alam ko na kung ano ang nangyayari, but I kept my cool. The secretary left, and I was alone with the manager.

I was told to sit, so I did. The manager looked at my resume for a while and asked me not about my qualifications, but about my physical condition. I told him that I had it since birth. He told me to stand up and walk around as if he was a doctor doing an exam on me, trying to make a diagnosis on his head. He even made sure na makikita niya kung paano ako maglakad by being in the front row! Lumayo at tumayo pa siya sa tabi ng desk.

Once he gotten what he wanted (and perhaps satisfied with what he saw), he asked me about my teeth. "Ano nangyari sa ngipin mo?" I didn't have braces then kaya may pagkasungki pa 'yung two front teeth ko. Mayro'n din ako white spot on one tooth na tatak-David 'ata. Parang birth mark sa ipin. Sabi ko it was there since birth. Pakiramdam ko ay hinahanap niya lahat ng mali sa katawan ko ng sandaling iyon.

Pinaupo niya ako at tiningnan sumandali uli ang resume ko. He then said, "We'll call you." I stood up, thanked him, and shook his hand. Pakiramdam ko noon ay sinusundan pa rin niya ako nang tingin as I leave.

Nanginginig ang buong laman ko noong panahon na iyon. A friend, Arnel, accompanied me at wala akong binanggit sa kanya about what just transpired in the office. Sa MRT, unti-unti akong naluluha pero pinapahid ko kaagad. Ayokong malaman niya ang tungkol sa nangyari.

When I got home, doon ko naibuhos ang sama ng loob ko. May ilang araw din akong nag-iiyak until I decided that I wouldn't pursue the corporate world anymore. It was the first time that I have experienced blatant discrimination right to my face. Pinahiya nila ako. Minaliit.

On my journal entry dated September 11, 1997, I had hoped that I was trained on how to deal with such experiences. I knew how the world could be cruel, but I never realized na mararanasan ko ang hagupit ng latay niya. These things were never taught in school. Kaya paglabas mo ng unibersidad, hindi sapat ipanglaban ang mga teoryang itunuro sa 'yo ng iyong mga guro sa lupit ng mundo.

I have never shared this experience with anyone except my parents and two closest friends that time, Elma and Arnel. Ipinaliwanag ko kasi sa kanila why I was pursuing an MA degree in Ateneo (then). Gusto ko kasing magturo sa college once I gained some units. (But I got into elementary teaching the year after.) But even then, natakot akong pasukin ang mundo kung saan ihaharap mo ang iyong sarili sa iyong mga estudyante.

From then on, I told myself never to eat or visit any of their restaurants.

Sa ngayon, I'm tougher when dealing with these days. I really wouldn't mind the curiosity about it so long as walang malice o halong pangbabastos, the way other people ask about one's sexuality.

P.S.
This is, by the way, the continuation of "A 12-Year Old Story Part 1" I've written last year. Technically, 13-year old story na siya. Hindi kasi siya madaling isulat. Hindi madaling ibahagi sa iba. I have never verbalized this ordeal to anyone. I have told my parents and friends this through letters.

Upon reading the said post last year, nabasa ko roon na sinulat kong I have experienced discrimination twice.

Ang isa pa ay mula sa AMA-CLC na diniscriminate ako because of the university I graduated at--CEU. Naghahanap sila noon ng English professor at pasado ako sa exams, interviews, and demo. Pagdating sa upper management, I was easily dismissed because I was a CEU graduate. Hindi raw kasali ang graduates ng university ko sa mga tinatanggap nila. Galing lang daw sa UP, Ateneo, La Salle, at kung anu-ano pang mamahaling universities ang kino-consider nila.

Natawa na lang ako sa dahilang iyon. Sino naman sila para maging prejudiced sa graduates ng ibang universities kung sila ay mas malayo pa ang ranking ng mga unibersibad sa Pilipinas sa CEU?! Kalokohan!


Read "A 12-Year Story Part 1" here.

Promises, Lies, & Deadmahan

Promise is such a scared word to me. Binibigyan ko siya ng malaking pagpapahalaga na kapag ginamit mo siya sa akin, I'll hold you to it. Para siyang seal dealer for me; isang contract na pinapasukan mo with me; ang iyong John Hancock.

The sad thing with people today is that they throw the word like piece of shit. Ginagamit nila ito to get what they want that when it comes to giving their end of the bargain, they fall short. Despite the loose use of the word, umaasa pa rin naman ako madalas na aakuin ng tao ang salitang binitawan nila sa akin. It's my weakness really. Kahit pa ilang beses na akong napagsinungalingan, I still give people the benefit of the doubt. Laging iniisip ko na, "Maybe this time, they would own it." However, it's me who end up eating my own words.

The ex and I converse once in a while because of the expenses he left here that I need to attend to. I send him e-mails or text messages reminding him of due dates. However, lately, I haven't been hearing from him despite my numerous messages to him. The last words I received from him was that he'd send the payments eventually. Eventually? How could he give me such a time when due dates come every month?

I wouldn't mind the delay so long as natutupad niya 'yung obligation niya. The thing is, ni hindi siya sumasagot sa mga e-mails ko despite my pleas. Ako kasi ang kinukulit at hinahabol ng mga credit card companies at pangalan ko ang nasisira dahil card ko ang ginamit niya noong andito pa siya. Bukod pa sa naiwan niyang sarili niyang card na may balance pa rin at dito naka-address sa 'min.

Before that, three months ago, he'd promised that he would send the payment in a week's time. Buwan na ang lumipas at wala pa rin. Dagdag pa ru'n 'yung sasabihin niyang the payment was on its way at bangko ang may problema sa delay. Then the delay would take such a long time na parang di na 'ata tamang tanggapin na bangko ang may problema. I've asked him about it pero deadma siya. Ang gusto ko lang naman ay explanation para maintindihan ko ang nangyayari. Para hindi ako nag-e-expect. But nothing! Nakasanayan na niya talaga lokohin ako na until now ay ginagawa pa rin niya.

Nagpahiram ako ng (rare) CDs sa isang "kaibigan." Those were in exchange of the CDs that I borrowed from him, as well. Then, a few months ago, nagkaproblema kami with each other. I was borrowing some Tagalog VCDs from him that I'd be using sana for a class project, pero pinagdamutan niya ko. Sinabi niyang hindi siya nagdamot when I confronted him about it a few weeks after, saying that he was just busy then. But I knew better. I knew he was lying kasi hindi tugma ang sinabi niyang dahilan sa Facebook statuses niya that time. Eh ang gusto ko lang naman ay sabihin niya sa akin ang totoo. The lies made how I feel worst. Idagdag pa sa fact na everytime na may gusto siyang hingin o hiramin sa 'kin noon, pinagbibigyan ko siya.

I asked for my CDs back, telling him to ship them to me. Gusto niya makipagkita ng personal, but I didn't want to see him. Kinulit ko siya about it that he became defensive. "Isosoli ko rin ang mga CDs mo. Hindi ako magnanakaw," he said. He didn't use the word promise, but the words he used were pretty much guarantee that he would do what he said.

Pinangako niyang ibabalik ang CDs ko by August 30, but it didn't happen. I waited patiently even if I already shipped his CDs to him. I asked again last week, and he said that he was about to send the CDs to me. May sinabi pa nga siyang he's hoping that we have the friendship back and that he would do what it takes to win back my confidence in him.

The CDs did not arrive. I asked him for updates several times pero deadma siya. Di nagre-reply sa texts ko o FB messages. Di rin sumasagot sa mga tawag ko.

Again, I wouldn't mind the delay basta lang ipaalam niya sa 'kin. Maiintindihan ko kung wala pa siyang perang pang-ship. I even suggested na mag-meet na lang kami. But nothing. I asked him for an explanation dahil ayokong isiping ninenok na nga niya 'yung CDs. Deadma siya. Kung nawala naman during shipping or whatever, tell me! 'Yun ang gusto ko. Pero mukhang pinaninindigan na niya ang pagiging asshole tulad ng paninindigan niyang bisexual siya.

The CDs he borrowed are not available in stores anymore: Kung Ako Na Lang Sana and Forever soundtracks and Sharon's Seafood City compilation given to me from the US. So hindi sila mapapalitan basta-basta.

'Yung isang kakilala ko naman ay pinahiram ko ng (rare) DVD at VCD of two different movies. Nu'ng pinapasoli ko na sa kanya, he also became defensive saying na hindi niya pinag-iinteresan ang mga movies na 'yun. Ako naman si tanga ay naniwala sa kanya. Same thing happened. Deadma sa messages and calls.

I guess this one ay sanay na sanay sa pagsisinungaling. When we met, sinabing niya wala na sila ng bf niya. He's starting anew. Yet I got a message from his bf na sa house niya pa rin ito tumutuloy at ongoing ang relationship nila kahit ayaw na niya (nu'ng bf).

When I asked the guy about it, nag-sorry siya about the "lie" at sinabing wala na sila talaga at kukunin na niya ang gamit niya to move back to his parent's house. Hindi na ko nagtanong pa about the bf dahil alam kong kasinungalingan lang ang matatanggap ko. (Napatunayan ko rin 'yun dahil nag-I love you siya sa mga photos ng supposedy ex-bf niya na nilagay niya sa FB.) I just want my videos back para tuluyan na siyang mawala sa buhay ko.

Ganyan 'ata talaga when you're dealing with a (once a) child actor. He blurs the line between the truth and the staged life.

Crush promised to come here on Oct. 30. He didn't. Ni hindi sumasagot sa texts ko at FB messages when I asked him what happened. Kahit sa FB chat, deadma siya.

Naghanda ako sa pagpunta niya rito. I even cooked pasta for him. Also bought a gift for him to remember me by. I made sure na gusto niya 'yung binili ko para ma-appreciate niya ng husto. Kahit pa pagkamahal-mahal nu'n para ibigay sa isang crush lang.

I asked for an explanation. Iintindihin ko so long as maipaliwanag niya. But nothing. Deadma siya.

Tinatanong ko kay God kung bakit ganito ang nangyayari sa 'kin. Bakit sunod-sunod. What pattern am I in na kailangan kong alisan para magbago ang kapalaran ko? Is He saying na huwag na ko magtiwala? Na huwag akong maniniwala kaagad sa mga pangakong binibitiwan ng tao sa akin? What would I become then if I do that? Tuluyan na ba akong magiging jaded at bitter?

What did I do to deserve this kind of treatment?

Sana hindi ka lang nangako. Sana hindi na lang kayo nangako.

Edit:

As of 11:50 PM, nagkaru'n ng linaw ang kwento ni crush. No phone siya for two days now. (I didn't bother calling him actually.) And he thought na 31st ang dapat pagpunta niya kaso wala pa raw siya tulog till now. Pagluluto ko pa raw ba siya kapag nagpunta siya?

Ewan ko ba! Sobrang nakakainis na ang nangyayari! Laging mali ang diskarte ko sa isang ito.

"Sex and the City 2" (Philippine Release DVDs)

Sex and the City 2 comes in three 1-disc DVD editions:

1. With free shades that come in four styles depending on each character.
(Since I am a Miranda character, I chose her. Though it will be just for collection purposes! I wouldn't have the nerve to wear them in public.)


2. With free notebook


3. Regular edition - no free item

Life: A Chronology

So true, right?

From Murray The Nut

"Hayop sa Sarap," Parang Timang Lang (1985)

Read entry here: "Hayop sa Sarap," Parang Timang Lang (1985)

Age Is Not Just a Number

Age is just a number, so goes the saying. But we often hear such words from older people who don't want their ages to define them or be use it against them. However, for the young, it isn't so. When it comes to relationships, age is a major player.

I must admit that I like 'em young (and fresh). The innocent, cute boy looking strike up a tingly chord in me. As I age though, I don't see them the way I do before. Sa ngayon, mga inosenteng crush na lang na parang high-schooler ang dating. I don't see them as potential partners or at least having a long-term commitment with them. If ever, for fun na lang.

I have a friend (slightly younger than me) who I learned is in a relationship with a 17-year old boy. Medyo takot siyang pumasok sa mga relationship dahil hindi naman siya completely out, so I was surprised to see a change in his Facebook status. Two days ago, he felt bad, citing that this boy tells him he loves him, yet still communicates with "others." Nasasaktan siya.

That is how with this so-called relationship with teens goes. I had once a fling with a 17-year old boy. Alam ko namang walang patutunguhan ang relasyon namin. Nevertheless, pinatulan ko pa rin. Gwapo at cute, eh. The same with my friend, this boy told me he loved me several times. Napakadali para sa kanyang sabihing ang katagang 'yun kaya naman wala rin kadating-dating sa 'kin. Empty words; hallow feelings. Still, sinakyan ko. It was good until it lasted--for about a week or so! (After ko mabili 'yung polo na gustong-gusto niya sa Folded and Hung. He made sure na gustong-gusto niya kasi hindi siya tumigil sa kakasabi habang nasa Megamall kami.)

Unless matapang ang sikmura mo na makipagsabayan sa mga bagets or you get the upper hand, importante na malaman mo ang susuungin mo when it comes to dealing with them. These kids are so volatile. Konting alog lang, sumasabog na. Lalo na sa panahon ngayon kung saan they are free to express themselves well. Kasehodang makasakit ng iba, gagawin nila ang gusto nila. (I don't think na may concept sila ng konsensya at this stage of their lives.) They also get into "relationships" easily na parang nagpapalit lang ng brief. (Assuming they wear briefs at hindi nila naiiwan 'yun sa last encounter nila.) If straight teens can be promiscuous, lalo na ang gay teens. Pagsamahin ba naman ang dalawang lalaki na di uso ang ligawan!

Nabanggit ni Marc na ang hilig ko nga raw talaga sa bata when he learned that I am into this UP undergrad classmate of mine. (See previous posts.) Pero never naman ako na-attract sa kanya because he's young(er). (He's in his 20s.) What attracted him to me is 'yung dating niya--smart and confident. Isa sa hinahanap ko ay 'yung may laman ang utak. 'Yung makakapag-usap kami at the end of the day ng tungkol sa kahit ano. Aanhin ko ang super hunk kung mani naman ang laman ng utak? Further, he has this huge booming voice na very butch ang dating. Plus, one can never dismiss his wide smile and dimples. Kaya naman never ko ring naisip na we're so many years apart from each other until he tells me na hindi niya napanood ang Dawson's Creek! That's when I realized na ang tagal-tagal na nga ng 1993! Sa generation namin, parang kailan lang iyon.

Isa 'yun sa biglang naging consideration ko in pursuing him. Makakasabay pa ba ako sa kanya? Mahahabol pa ba niya ako?

Anyway, age consideration or not, I've decided to lay low. When I asked him before kung sa'n siya sa QC nakatira, he jokingly said, "Sa puso mo." Then, let it just be. Stay there until I know what my next move would be...



Photo Credit: http://latinaish.com/2010/09/01/escritura-y-diferencias/

Taking Chances

I was trying to make a good impression by letting you know that I have been thinking about you, yet mas nakasama pa 'ata. You were offended by my misquotes when it wasn't really my intention. Sinabi mo na nadadalas ang pagmi-misquote ko, and I'm clueless about those instances. However, it wasn't intentional. I was focused more on the idea about my memories of you than the actual words used and sentences told. Nasabi ko nga sa sarili ko na I want more of those. I want to have a future with you.

But do I really?

Never in my entire life that I tried to impress someone much the way I want to do with you. But it seems like no matter what I say, parang laging may mali. It feels like I'm walking on thin ice. The moment I let the cat out of the bag, I don't know how to be cool with you again. Parang make or break for me palagi.

I met someone online a few months ago. (Or it was last year, I think.) We kinda hit it off, and he seemed nice enough to hang around with. He likes movies the way I do so major pogi points na 'yun. However, the minute I told him that I took some MA units in Ateneo and is in UP for MA Film, he took some steps backward. Intimidated daw siya sa mga ganu'n kasi di siya nakatapos ng college. From then on, unti-unti na siyang lumayo until he stopped communicating with me.

Hindi naman ganu'n katagal ang naging communication namin sa isa't-isa. A few days lang 'ata. We haven't met personally and had not talked much, so I haven't had the chance to prove myself to him that I don't wear my "accomplishments" as badges. Kaya I don't understand why he suddenly brushed me aside just because he feels intimidated.

Now I get it. Ganu'n pala ang pakiramdam when you feel like someone is way out of your league. You don't even wanna give it a try. The problem is, the more I try, the more I feel like a failure. Parang I can't get through you. I can't win.

So what am I to do?

I don't know really. Parang tama na sa 'kin that I took a leap of faith by letting you know how I feel. Fate na lang ang magde-decide whether we're meant to be or not given the odds between us.

Mahirap kasing makipaglaban if you feel na mag-isa ka lang sa struggles mo. Ang sa 'kin, I did my part. It's up to you to do yours, whether in favor sa 'kin o hindi. I just don't wanna look as if I'm pushing myself hard on you. And I don't wanna feel pathetic by being glad with whatever crumbs you hand out to me.

I am tired really. I've been burned so many times before. Is it so bad to ask na maging in favor naman sa 'kin ang mundo once in a while?

Don’t know much about your life.
Don’t know much about your world, but
Don’t want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.

You don’t know about my past, and
I don’t have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it’s not meant to last...

The World's First Bionic Burger